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Tuesday, 22 February 2011

Hurt

So I have my appointment with L later. I am not feeling remotely positive about it. I can't see an outcome that could improve things or make me feel any more positive about anything. I feel like it is going to be a difficult appointment for both of us - she is going to be frustrated by me because I don't feel able to do simple things like get dressed and go out for walks daily, and eat regular meals, and improve my sleep, and I am going to feel useless because I can't do any of those things, and frustrated with myself for being so pathetic, and with her for not being able to do more, which I know is unfair, but I just feel so horrible. I seriously considered not going to the appointment. Not just not turning up, because I don't do that, but cancelling - I am not sure whether for her sake or mine, or both. I did actually send her an email in the afternoon to that effect, saying that I was concerned it would be frustrating as she would want me to do things that I don't feel able to do, and I didn't want to make things tense, or to frustrate her, or make me feel worse. She replied that she thought we should talk about the options, and so would be happier if I kept the appointment, so I will go. I am worried, and I think not without reason, that she is going to stop seeing me. She talked last time about how if I am feeling this bad she obviously isn't helping, and maybe she is either taking a wrong approach, or she is the wrong person to be working with me at the moment. I have a strong suspicion that she may suggest we either take a break from sessions, or that she will pass me to another member of the team. I know I must be immensely frustrating at the moment, and based on the last time I saw her I just wouldn't be surprised if something like that happens. I will just have to see what happens I suppose, but I really won't be shocked if something along those lines does come up, particularly given what she said about talking about the options, as I am unsure as to what else she could mean by that. I feel like I am letting her down at the moment by not being able to do the things she wants me to.

It has been yet another difficult night. It begun by me getting a bit upset by some comments I received regarding this blog. I was told amongst other things "Sorry Bip but your self-pity and self indulgence is starting to grate. And, 'Madospherites', i do know what I'm talking about (more than most of you cyan imagine) don't come back at me with self-indulgent drivel." I was quite hurt to be honest. I suppose it touched too close to home to what I worry people will think of me, and what I think the professionals might be thinking of me. The thing with this blog is that although I do really appreciate all of the comments and support I receive through it, I write it for me. I write it because I am encouraged to write about my feelings and thoughts, as it helps me, and I like using blogging to do that because it allows me to connect with others. I don't write in order to garner sympathy or pity. I write whatever I am thinking at the time. But to be honest this has made me consider taking a blogging hiatus, at least whilst this particularly bad episode persists. Although I would continue to write, as I need to do that for me, I may not publish anything for a while, although I will see how I feel. I never wanted my blog to turn into one long moan, and essentially it has, and I don't want people to think of me as a continuously negative person who just whines non stop. I do not want people to reassure me regarding this because they don't want to hurt my feelings by telling me how dull and whiny I am, I honestly don't. So I am considering a blogging break. I will post later to say what happens with L, but I will see how I feel after that. If I continue to write, and you do think I am whiny and need to get over myself, please just stop reading. I don't want anyone to read out of a sense of obligation. If you are a friend and feel like you should read so you know what is going on in my life, but find my writing grates, then just stop - I honestly don't mind. This is primarily for me, and whilst I have met some fantastic people through this blog, who I now consider friends, I don't want anyone to read if they don't want to.

I really am fully aware that I am difficult and frustrating at the moment, probably to professionals and friends alike. I appear to be in an incredibly deep depression, that is certainly amongst the worst I have ever experienced, if not the worst, and despite time passing, it isn't easing at all. If anything, I seem to be feeling increasingly hopeless. I suppose it could be seen as fortunate that things have been as bad as they have. I have had so little energy and felt so terrible that the vast majority of my time seems to be spent either asleep (although I am not getting much sleep), just lying in bed feeling paralysed and so completely unable to do anything, or just somehow disappearing without me even really realising it - I suppose through dissociation. It literally sometimes takes me an hour or two to manage to get myself out of bed when I need the toilet (although I was also told "No-one is literally unable to get out of bed unless they are physically disabled"). I have no appetite most of the time, although I am forcing myself to eat anyway, although not regularly. To be honest, I feel almost certain that if I had slightly more energy I would have attempted to kill myself by now, but despite the thoughts constantly churning around in my head, I just feel too exhausted to act on them. It always strikes me as somewhat ironic that you can be too depressed to kill yourself. Plus I have genuinely been trying to get by for the sake of those who care about me, despite not wanting to, and so I have been putting whatever energy I have been able to find into asking for help when I feel like I need it, although it has proven to be fairly futile on the whole, writing here to try and clear my head, and trying not to cut myself off from people completely, which is certainly tempting when I feel like this. I have been making a lot of effort, although it evidently doesn't appear that way to some people, but I know how I feel, I know the thoughts I am having to contend with on a daily basis, and I know how desperate I am, and how strongly I feel I don't want to be here, and although that may mean I am coming across as self pitying and self indulgent, (and perhaps I am these things) I am doing absolutely everything I feel able to do at the moment. I am still alive, and although I think that is largely due to the extent of my depression, I suppose I have to view it as an achievement, despite it not feeling like one.

So where from here? I don't know right now. I suppose I go to my appointment this afternoon with L, and try to be honest about my feelings, despite knowing it isn't what she wants to hear. And then, who knows? I will blog following my appointment, which to be perfectly honest I am already dreading, and after that I will make a decision about whether I want to continue to blog at the moment or not. And life generally I guess. Que sera, sera.

21 comments:

  1. I hope it gets easier for you soon. Take care

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  2. I don't think you come across as self pitying or self indulgent. Surely anyone who has experience of a really severe depressive episode would be able to understand? Like you said, this is your space to write, if people don't want to read then that should be their problem, not yours! I'm sorry you got those comments <3 good luck for your appointment later xx

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  3. I can't think of much to say, as much as I'd like to, and something useful at that. Thinking of you.

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  4. I am so cross on your behalf. Why are people so horrid at times? Seriously, it says more about them than it does you. As has been said, this is YOUR SPACE. If you use it as your 'pillow to scream into' then that's your choice. We are all guests here and don't have to read if we don't want.
    You are also not self pitying. You are reporting how you are. You are always well reasoned and matter of fact, reporting on the changes and possible courses of action open to you. You come across as a very courageous person battling a very painful illness.
    I am sure other people do not have the same cruel view, many won't understand and will struggle to help appropriately, but I can't see how anyone thinks 'self pity, indulgent' Urgh.
    The person commenting may just be spouting what was once said to them when they were low. I had a carer like that who thought calling me 'attention seeking' was constructive.
    I am so hurt for you. Comments really stick, true or not, they can really cut deeply. Just remember you have lots of people here who know what it's like to suffer and they are with you all the way.

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  5. You continue to write whatever you want, it's your blog for your words. Best of luck with L this afternoon.

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  6. *hugs* I cannot believe how rude some people are. No-one has to read your blog if they din't want to.

    Take care.

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  7. I am inclined to agree with whoever left the comment but I didn’t see it.

    This you can’t go out for a walk or eat is crap. You are fucking depressed not dying of a serious illness. You have a pair of legs, arms and the ability to get up and go for a walk.

    I have been reading for a long time but never comment as this is just one of many blogs I read online. You are full of self pity and it is time you got over it.

    If you want to die seek help, go into hospital, but please stop writing the garbage for other people to read because it is making you out to be nothing but an attention seeker.

    I mean there is a possibility your family are reading this given the heading at the top, if they are then they should be certainly intervening and getting you help, if not talk to them tell them how you are feeling, break the stigma to what you are going through, if they love you then they will support you.

    Only you can get over what bad period you are going through, no one can do it for you. Be thankful though that you have your health and depression is something in time you can recover from.

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  8. Bip,

    I know this is difficult and I haven't written much for the reasons you stated above. Instead of seeing something that you deem negative as an "attack", perhaps try to understand that this person might be saying the very thing that is what you need to hear to move forward and grow. Perhaps, not in the most genteel way, but I do know when I've been "hit in the head with a hammer", that there's a message in there, somewhere. I know its painful, oh my do I when I've been on the receiving end myself, but when I sat down and really looked deeply inside, at what they were trying to tell me, I knew that they were right and the thing I was doing was masking something else I did not want to face. This was even true with predator, to some extent. I tried to change him and I could not and it wasn't my place. I could not help him anymore than I can help you or anyone else and I know that you are not asking us for help, but its human nature to try to help someone in need, who's clearly suffering.

    I am reading and listening, because I care. I keep hoping that one day, you'll have a breakthrough. I think the person you need the most for support, is your lovely self.

    hugs,

    L

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  9. Depression is not a serious illness?! Who do you and your predecessor think you are? You are not the arbiter of life and sickness, and your presumption that you know it all is much more of a reflection on you than Bip's "self pity" is on her.

    Mental illnesses, depression included, are serious diseases. And yes, some people can recover, but your over-simplification on the issue would be funny if it wasn't so offensive. This kind of thing is by its nature subjective, so just because you were or knew someone who could fight it and recover so easily does not mean that everyone, or even most people, can or will.

    Bip - write what the hell you like, when you like. Just because a couple of people have elected to be nasty doesn't mean you should be silenced. It just means that there are some people who are wilfully ignorant. You aren't one of them.

    Many hugs

    P xxx

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  10. Oh so fucking nice "anonymous" that you commented anonymously!!! Really damn brave of you. Fucking coward. If you find this blog soooooo hideous to read then DONT!!!!! Simple. If you really do read this blog as often as you say you do then you would know that Bip has tried everything she can to get help INCLUDING asking her parents. God do you people have nothing better to do than cut people up with your cruel words... HOW DARE YOU?!?! How fucking dare you make a comment like that on Bip's blog it is so beyond cruel and unnecessary. You make me sick and i hope you never have to experience the kind of depression that Bip is suffering right now. Asshole!

    Bip, despite what these morons are saying, you have every right to blog and please dont let a few comments from complete ignorant bastards stop you from writing how you feel. We all worry about you and if you took a break from blogging and communicating with us, we are gonna wonder even more how you are doing. This is YOUR blog... if you have to, password protect it for a little while and only give the password out to the people who wanna keep up with you.

    No matter what, i know i am not alone in saying that i love you very much and really do want to see you better and i KNOW you are doing everything you can.

    xxxxx

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  11. I've also been reading for a while, I'm just sorry it has taken things getting so bad for you, and the emergence of such unpleasantness in some comments for me to speak up.

    I think the fact that people feel the need to write Anonymous comments such as the one you mention (or the one above), says a lot about them, and nothing at all about you.

    That they think they can bully or criticise someone out of a period of intense mental suffering - or, being generous to them, if they are in fact trying to be constructive but they think such criticism will somehow help - shows that they are either have very little understanding, or that they do not have the ability or inclination to express themselves in a more sophisticated way. Either that or it's just trolling and the kind of individual who gets a power kick from attacking those who are least likely to have the self belief to be in a place to mount an effective defence.

    Whatever, they are not worth listening to.

    I really hope things start to get better for you soon. There are lots of people who care about you, even though they've never met you, or may not be in a good enough place themselves to express it or be as much of a support to you as they might want to be.

    Emmie
    x

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  12. Can't get over what a complete asshole "anonymous" is!!!!

    Hey,... anonymous,... Have you got a PHD? Are you a doctor of any kind? No? Then SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! You obviously haven't got a clue what your talking about.
    Do you have a blog? Then publish the address of it so we can all go and read your drival and add nasty comments to you. Un-fucking-believable!!!

    Bip: As I've mentioned before, I have grown very fond of you and do care how your doing. I have a daughter nearly the same age as you who suffers from depression, BPD & bipolar (as I myself do) so my heart goes out to you even more. Please keep blogging even if its only short entries just so we all know how your doing. Please stay in touch with us. <3 <3
    (((hugs)))

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  13. No we are not worth listening to because we speak the truth. We choose to write anonymously because of the counterattack from certain people. People who commented under anonymously do it to avoid the fact that they could be friends of Bip or other people many of who have commented on the original comment that was posted.

    If Bip chooses to ignore the professional advice offered and does not wish to help herself by taking up simple everyday tasks like going for a short walk then she is never going to get better.

    She writes here crying out for help, desperate for someone – perhaps one of her friends who knows the real Bip and not the one who writes anonymously should help her. She talks about wanting to tie and noose around her neck and you assume she is just venting what she feels on her blog.

    Personally if a friend of mine was writing like this on a public domain I would be the first to seek them some proper professional help by contacting there local NHS, but I cannot do this because I do not know who the real Bip is.

    What are her friends going to think when Bip perhaps goes too far and does take her life? Are you all going to sit there and say “I didn’t think she would do it” – when perhaps it will be too late.

    Bip I am not out to offend you, I would just like to say please seek some help from the crisis team, your GP or whoever you can trust. You need to be in hospital and I think you know this but I do realise how hard it is to reach out and ask for help. If you do not ask then the professionals will continue to ignore how unwell you are. Perhaps consider giving the last few posts you have written to L, in order for this person involved in your care to help you.

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  14. @myblackfog

    Yes I have a blog, yes I enthusiastically write online. You may already read it and not have a fucking clue.

    You want to know about me? Yes I have a mental illness, perhaps a PD you will never know, like I would tell you either way!

    I probably have more experience that you could have a fucking clue about you jumped up little turd!

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  15. I'm sorry I don't understand. While perhaps Anonymous worded her post a little more strongly than I would have, I do think there's a possibility that the message behind her words is what is being misunderstood by some.

    I have a teenaged son with high functioning autism who has taught me to see the world in an entirely different way. Without meaning to, there have been many ways that in trying to HELP him, we are actually ENABLING the very behaviors we are trying to change and it just came to me that this may be happening right here with our Bippidee. Behavioral changes are best effected through a system of rewarding the desired behavior (so that the person will feel encouraged to do that more) which will change neural pathways in the brain, over-time. This is a simplistic explanation, but it works. The problem is, that this type of behavior modification is not really available to Bip. (i don't think) or its not understood.

    Bippie has two issues. She has BPD and she has depression. Now, the $64,000 question is-- Does she have depression because she has BPD or is it a completely separate entity or a little of both? I think it may be both and I have been dismayed for quite some time, that she can't be offered some medication relief, but again, perhaps there is a reason we don't know that could explain why that is not a viable option for her treatment.

    My therapist (who does have a PHD);) told me that borderlines typically are attention seeking (we all know that) and Bip who's a smart girl has figured out is that she gets more attention if things aren't going well. She gets rewarded for not feeling well (sympathetic comments) and ignored more or less when things are good. This is a hypothesis and simplistic explanation and you can certainly disagree, but please be respectful as I would be to you.

    In some ways, I think the best support is to listen and try to encourage her to do the things that are difficult for her to do without making judgments if she is still unable to do them.

    I do think that by calling other people names on her behalf is also wrong and very upsetting. I don't think that anyone is trying to attack or hurt Bip, and I do believe that woman's heart was in the right place and that she was brave to go against the status quo. That is how change is made.

    Isn't that the goal? Don't we all want Bippie to feel good and free and not want to harm herself?

    I do think that it is alright to challenge Bip without tearing her down and if you disagree with me, or anyone else on here, I would like to be the first to say, that calling people words like "moron" "fucking coward" "asshole", etc. (even if you think that they are) is not a productive way to speak to someone. Again, just my opinion and from someone who's spent a lifetime getting my wicked temper under control.:) We are ALL imperfect beings and we are ALL anonymous on here. My name is not Lexie, but I am a real person with feelings and so are we all.

    Blessings and much love to all who tread gently here.

    L

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  16. oops, I wrote that before I had read her response. I'm in, over my head. Forgive me. L

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  17. Wow, Anonymous, I think *you* need to look at yourself and why you feel the need to leave such rude and unpleasant comments on someone's blog - a blog you clearly haven't read, given that Bip has tried to seek help.

    Needless to say, Bip, don't listen to these arseholes. It says more about them than you. Seriously, don't even read their comments any more once you get that it's the a-holes. If it was me I would ban those people from commenting ever.

    I can only speak for myself but I read your blog because I want to, not out of a sense of responsibility or anything, although I do care. Honestly, if I didn't feel I was up to reading, I wouldn't...that's called taking responsibility for myself, and being an adult. No-one *has* to read your blog, and the anonymous idiot/s commenting need to remember that.

    'Go for walks' is crap advice. So many people don't understand depression and need to shut up. You are ill, not being lazy, hon. I hope it went well with

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  18. @ Lexie

    Thank you, it seems someone did understand the point I was trying to make. I perhaps could have worded what I initially said a lot better, the way you word it is perfect.

    @Butterflywings

    She has sought help, help comes but she fails to tell them how bad she is, she needs to be in hospital.

    What Lexie said was pretty much what I wanted to say but she beat me to it, BPD is a form of attention seeking, when Bip writes she gets comments from her friends offering support, hugs and it makes her feel better, she feels loved by those people who perhaps can relate to her condition whether they have depression, bipolar or BPD.

    I can get as angry as the next person, maybe my initial comment was harsh but it was the truth and I am certain there are others who feel the same it is just no one wanted to comment whether it be anon or with a real name.

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  19. I have replied to most of the comments addressed here in a new post, but I just wanted to reply to the last anonymous comment, as I posted before I saw it. I have sought help, I have told exactly how bad things are, I have said how desperate I am feeling, and I have said how suicidal I am feeling. And despite in many ways it being the last thing I wanted, I did email L a week or two ago and say I felt I needed to be in hospital, as that was the only way I saw of getting through this and getting help to get things back on track, but I was told no. It was incredibly difficult to do, as I know her views on hospital, and so I knew she would say no, and a large part of me didn't and doesn't want to be in hospital anyway. But I know it is the only way I am likely to get through this, so I asked, but I was told no. It isn't about attention seeking - if I wanted to attention seek I would keep self harming or taking small overdoses and then going to A&E, and I have never done that in my life. I write here as an outlet, not for attention.

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  20. Someone said that Bip writes mournfully because we all jump to attention and shower her with loving and supportive comments when she does. There was some reference to nobody doing so when things are not so rough.

    Go back and read this blog properly. On the (sadly rare) occasions on which she has mentioned feelings bit better, you will see that the comments are filled with genuine delight and encouragement from her fellow bloggers.

    And BPD is not "a form of attention-seeking". BPD is a serious mental illness in which some of the more extreme behaviour observed in some sufferers could be thus considered. It is certainly not always seen by people who meet each criterion for diagnosis. Generalisations based on stereotypes seem unhelpful to me.

    I would add, and it's my final comment on the matter, than some - maybe even most - of us did understand your point, but your reality ("I can go for walks, I can convince staff I need hospital", whatever) is not universal, and you presented yourself unnecessarily brusquely and offensively. At least you do recognise that bit, but it would be helpful if we could all just remember that our mental illnesses, even where similar diagnoses and pathology are present, can affect us all differently, and there is no catch-all solution.

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  21. Bip, I love you and I love reading your blog. That is all.

    xxx

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