Wednesday, 23 February 2011

This evening

I am absolutely exhausted, to the point where I don't think I can keep my eyes open any more. I got very little sleep last night, and it has been a really draining day. I feel gutted. I was really determined to kill myself tonight, but my parents will still be up for another hour/hour and a half, and I don't think I can say awake that long. I feel immensely frustrated. My GP rung me earlier, after afternoon surgery. Actually she rung the landline and spoke to my mum first, but I don't know what she said to her. Then she spoke to me and said that things were really tough at the moment weren't they, and I said yes. She said how it seemed a particularly bad period, and I said it is. I talked to her for quite a while. I got quite upset several times. She said she wanted me to go and see her Friday - I said I couldn't cope and I intended to be dead by then. She said that she had spoken to L, and L had very clearly told her not to refer me to the crisis team under any circumstances. She kept saying she really wanted to see me on Friday and we could talk about things then. I said there was no point, as there was nothing she could do, and I wanted to die today, but she said she was putting it in her diary anyway and would expect to see me. She said I sounded too exhausted to act on my thoughts. I said I was absolutely shattered but that I would find the energy. And yet now I don't seem to be able to, and it is upsetting me. I can't remember what else my GP said. She was very supportive, but it was also very clear she had been told by L not to suggest admission or crisis team input, as she responded different to how she usually would, and did make a point a couple of times of saying she had spoken to L. I said how pissed off and upset I was that I felt like I was being treated like a typical Borderline, and given no support or help, when this was quite clearly a depressive episode, and that if I didn't have a BPD diagnosis there was no way on earth that I would just be left to get on with things like this with no support, and people knowing I was planning to kill myself. She didn't disagree.

My mum then wanted to talk to me. I explained to her the same BPD/Depression frustrations, and how I don't understand why when I meet every criteria without exception for one illness, and just about manage to get the 5 criteria needed for diagnosis for the other, that is seen as my primary diagnosis and I am treated based on that. She asked to see the diagnostic criteria and printed it off and said she would call L tomorrow. I also told her how much L had changed - that she used to be really supportive and caring and how she is just totally unhelpful and I think she hates me, and I think she has been taken over or replaced or something, because it is genuinely like she is a different person - based on the way she speaks to me now compared with six months ago I wouldn't recognise her as the same person. I am worried about my mum talked to L. L can clearly force her way of thinking onto others, in the way that she has with my GP (although I believe it was somehow forced onto L in the first place, but I am not sure how) and so she will make my mum think she is right about everything. All of this was probably about a ten minute conversation and then she seemed to get bored of the wanting to talk thing and went off downstairs, and then later when I said I thought she wanted to talk, she first of all said that I wouldn't ever talk to her, then remembered I had and said that we had already talked and that she wanted to go downstairs and drink her wine. I can't trust anyone. Nobody is reliable. I was prepared to tell my mum everything, including my suicidal intent, but she was more interested in going and having a glass of wine. My GP has been restricted so she is as good as useless, as she can't even refer me to someone, and it doesn't matter how sympathetic she is, if she can't do anything it doesn't help. And L has changed beyond recognition.

I can't keep my eyes open. I suppose I am going to have to sleep. Maybe I will be able to wake up in the night. I don't know. I don't want to sleep. I don't want to get through tonight. I want to die. But it appears that my GP was right and I am too bloody exhausted to even do that. I feel thoroughly useless.


  1. Go to sleep Bip, tomorrow is another day. Not necessarily a better day but another day nonetheless. I want to take L and shake her until she actually listens to you, not helpful I know but you deserve help and you deserve to be heard. Keep fighting and hang on in there.

  2. Sleep and DON'T act on the thoughts. x

  3. Just realised how pathetic that sounds and how little I can help but just give in to sleep and don't act on anything thoughts.

  4. Oh Bip hon...yeah, sign me up for shaking of L.
    Also agree with Anickdaler, it's good that you're tired in a way, try to sleep.
    It sounds like your GP cares. Please go and see her on Friday. You never know there may be something she can do.
    Hope you get a decent nights' sleep for once hon. I won't say I hope you feel better because it would sound so trite and belittling, although of course I *do* hope that...but sleep heals...you might feel just a tiny little bit less shit tomorrow.

  5. Get some much needed rest tonight and if tomorrow is no better get yourself off to A&E stuff L, the GP your mum and whoever else seems to not give a fucking shit (now I’m swearing I must be annoyed!).

    Or better give us L's details and we'll bombard her with what a useless piece of crap she really is!

  6. If you can get some sleep then take the opportunity while you can, I know how hard you find sleep at times.

    As anickdaler says tomorrow is another day, even if it doesn't prove to be better.

    I wish you were getting the help you need/deserve, but that seems to be a running theme at the moment, which makes you wonder what services actually get paid for sometimes.

    Are there any voluntary/third sector organisations around - I know you live rurally so there's less chance, but we have a crisis house which allows people to stay up to 10 days, and offers 1-1 time to talk about stuff, and plan ways forward. There may be something similar nearby, or even a phone line so you can talk to someone who'll really listen (I'm still all for the Samaritans, as much as I hate Shrink for telling me they were my crisis plan, I've only phoned once, but I did find it useful).

    But a lot of it depends on what you want, and what you would find useful (if we take out what you aren't going to be offered anyway, since that's beyond your control). I don't mind having a hunt round the internet for other possibilities. Anything if only to give you some hope, because it sounds a bit like you've run out of it, which I can understand - you do sound exhausted and hopeless and ready to give up and maybe whilst acknowledging that isn't going to change it, it's a start.

    Hope you manage to get some well-deserved rest.

    Take care,

  7. I hope that a little bit of sleep manages to clear your perspective a little bit as we want you around still. Please try to hang in there for the appointment with the GP on Friday and hear her out to see what she can offer. Even if it is nothing more than a supportive ear that is still worth something.

  8. For some reason it cut off the end of my comment - which was if you ever want to talk to someone let me know and to keep fighting as I know you can make it through this. Even though they should definitely be offering you more support, you are strong and can do it without them.
    Hang in there

  9. you really deserve better care than you're getting, believe me. i not too long ago wrote a blog pertaining to that issue; sorta. it''s hypocritical of me to say this but hang in there

  10. Bip, I hope you are sleeping. If you wake up during the night, could you contact me? I'll be around until the morning comes (probably around 6/7am).

    If not, I hope you sleep well and I hope to hear from you tomorrow.

  11. What everyone else said more eloquently than I presently can. It's them that's shit, not you, and I hope that you get some decent sleep for a change.

    Hugs <3 xxx

  12. It frustrates ME how unsupportive L is towards you, I can't imagine how frustrated and let down you must be feeling. Please try not to act on those thoughts. *hugs*

  13. The approach L is taking towards you at the moment makes me angry. And some of the things she's said are rubbish - like not taking steps to stop someone killing themselves. Crisis team here have told me before that is exactly their job!

    I don't know what else to say. Would your parents pay for you to see a psychiatrist privately? I can't help thinking you need to be on medication.

    Saying take care sounds stupid right now, when you're feeling so desperate, but I hope you at least got some sleep x x

  14. I'm sorry things are still so shit for you. :( I would echo the suggestions others have made - about A&E, or voluntary/3rd sector organisations, or seeing a private psychiatrist even just for a one-off appt. I hope you had a good sleep and are OK, or as OK as can be expected. Take care hon. x

  15. I wish I could send you a gift-wrapped package of restful sleep. xx

  16. I hope you got some sleep.

    I'm angry about the care, or rather complete lack of it, you are getting. Something has to be wrong if they are point-blank refusing to admit you or give you access to the crisis team.

    I agree about looking for voluntary sector support, although it is often lacking in rural areas. There may be a crisis place you could go stay at somewhere though? Even if it isn't that close, if you are staying that could be ok? Would give you a break and your parents a break too.

    My other thought is - I know you feel going to A&E will be pointless because it will only be the same crisis team that will assess you and won't take you on, soooo... how far away is the next-nearest NHS trust and therefore the nearest A&E that has a different mental health liaison? Would presenting there be a possibility? Is there someone you could visit that could then try and contact a different trust. If you ended up elsewhere and then were to be transferred home, your trust would probably have to at least listen to the advice of the referring trust.

    Now that is all a bit theoretical and possibly could back-fire, but I've often wondered about it in the past because one of the other trusts near to me has a really good reputation compared to the trust I am in. No idea if it is the same for you?

    Anyway hope you're surviving. xx

  17. Thinking of you. x