Saturday, 26 February 2011


I was lucky enough today to be visited by the lovely Karita. I can honestly say that she is one of the most caring, supportive people I have ever met. It was really good to have someone there, in 'real life' who I didn't need to pretend with, and who was completely non judgemental and made me feel cared about. Despite having never met her before, I felt able to be completely honest with her, which although I do when writing on this blog, I find incredibly hard to do when actually speaking to someone, but I just felt completely at ease with her. She spent hours listening to me and cuddling me and letting me cry, and just being completely wonderful. I can't say how much I appreciated her visit. Her husband, who is also lovely, drove her up here, and then left us to it for a few hours, and then I had my appointment with Dr O, which she came to with me, and then we came back home and they both came in for several hours, and left at about 9pm. They don't live close to me, and so it really did mean such a lot that they had made so much effort to come and visit me. I am always amazed that anyone could care about me at all, let alone someone who had never even met me, and had to travel hours to come and see me, just because I am struggling so much. I am immensely grateful that she did though, and just for the record, she gives great hugs! I really can't thank her enough.

My GP appointment was fairly uneventful I think. Karita may remember more if than I do - I don't have a great memory about appointments. My mum had spoken to L at some point today, and told me that L had said to ask for blood tests to be done, which she did suggest to me a couple of weeks ago, but I forgot about, and that if my GP was happy to then she could prescribe an anti depressant. How kind! I have only been saying for about nine months that I thought I was better on medication, even if it was only slightly. My GP said that since I have problems sleeping as well then Mirtazapine might be a good one. I can't remember if I actually laughed out loud at that or just in my head, but I said there was no way I was taking it, and she asked why, and I said because of the weight gain. She said that I knew too much, and that she wouldn't have told me about that. Suggestion number two was Seroxat. Since I had no actual intention of taking anything that was prescribed due to the whole suicidal thing, I did let her give me a script for that, but it is not a medication I have ever wanted to take, primarily because of the controversy over it regarding stopping taking it, and also the fact that it increases suicidal thoughts in some people. I mentioned the Panorama programme and got told off for knowing too much again. I am sure Karita won't mind me saying that my favourite part of the appointment was when Dr O was talking to her and asking where she had come from and if she worked etc, and then asked if she had taken time off work, ie meaning today to come and see me, and Karita was clearly thinking in mental health terms and replied 'no, not recently'. My second favourite bit in the appointment was after telling my GP how suicidal I was feeling, she asked what my parents were doing tomorrow, and said (quite excitedly I thought) that there was point to pointing on, and seemed to be presenting that as a reason to stay alive. My GP is sweet, she is very well meaning, and she cares, but I think Karita would probably agree that mental health is not her speciality, and she does come out with some comments that are either very random, like the point to pointing suggestion, or quite unhelpful, like trying to guilt trip me into staying alive by telling me how it would destroy people's lives if I killed myself etc. I never find comments like that at all helpful, as of course I think about it - I think about it non stop, and I hate myself for it, and I wish there was an alternative, which is why I continue to seek help even when I no longer want it for myself, but there does come a time when your pain is just too immense, and even knowing how much you will upset the people you care about just isn't enough, but I think that is probably something that is incredibly difficult for anyone to understand unless they have actually felt that level of desperation themselves. I tried to be honest with Dr O. I think I was, although I did find I was getting more and more frustrated as the appointment went on, and so remembered less and less of what was being said. She just kept telling me that I could keep going, and that I could see the nurse for blood tests next week and then her again the following week, and I was getting more and more worked up as the suicidal thoughts are just so overwhelming. She told me to book the appointments for the blood test and to see her again, and also told Karita to talk to me about things or something when we got home (I'm not really sure - I think she was telling her to persuade me not to kill myself?) and then to phone and speak to her later, but I didn't book the appointments, as it seemed entirely pointless, and I didn't phone her, as I had seen her an hour before - I had nothing else to say. She did phone and spoke to my mum, but I have no idea what was said.

The suicidal thoughts are very strong and very overwhelming. I truly wish there was a way out of all of this without hurting people, but there isn't. I can't cope, I am completely desperate, and yet again I am in the position where I am next due to see someone in nearly two week's time. I am out of options. I have told everyone how I feel. I have tried to get help, even when I haven't wanted it. I have tried to keep going. I have tried doing the things I am supposed to be doing, like going to bed early the other night, going for a walk etc etc, but I still feel the same. It was really great to see Karita - she really was an absolute star, and I love her to pieces, and all of the support I get online is invaluable, but nobody can take away the thoughts, and at times like these when I am alone with them it is just all too much. I have no hope for the future, I have no fight left in me - I have nothing but desperation.


  1. I am glad Karita was so kind to you.

    It's worth at least *trying* the seroxat. Things might get btter, and they can't get much worse.

  2. Seroxat causes increases in suicidality amongst adolescents, not really people in their twenties. It was blown up quite a bit- I'd give it a go. xx

  3. I'm so glad that you and Karita had a good time. She is indeed fab.

    Try to hold onto that. You have all of us here, too. I know no-one can take away the thoughts, but we can get you through this. I hope you know I'm here to talk whenever you need, if I'm not around you can *always* e-mail or private message me.

    Ha, people...point-to-pointing will solve everything?! I am sure Dr O cares but, yes, fail at advice giving.

    Please give the Seroxat a try, honey. If it doesn't help, then you can come off it again. Can it really make you feel any worse than you do now? You've said for a while now that you are at bottom, hon. It might help you.
    I do want you to be monitored though - yes suicidality on anti-ds can happen, but then, I am not sure that is the case for people who already are suicidal, and as Seaneen said it is blown up by the media.

    Hang in there, sweetie x

  4. I'm glad yesterday wasn't too bad.

    Give the Seroxat a try. I doubt it can make things much worse, and it may help a bit. *Squish*

  5. That's pretty much the gist of the appointment. You did become pretty agitated when she was trying to get you to keep some deadlines and yes, you did laugh out loud when she suggested Mirtazapine. :)

    She asked me to heap on the guilt like she tried to (although I know she was well meaning), to talk to your parents and to call her later. I just talked to you instead. ;-)

    *Blushes* about the stupid response to the GP about time off work. *Giggles* I thought either way the question was meant was a weird question to ask anyway! *Giggles more* Ah well, just another Karita-ism for people to remember.

    I hope you take the ADs. I have been on it and it was one of the least painful ones I've been on. I think all ADs have some risks when you first start taking them, for agitation and so on, and I'm sure this one isn't so bad to come off if you do it properly, like I didn't.

    You're lovely. Hang on. *Cuddles*

  6. I think Karita coming up to see you is just marvellous, so sweet and caring of her... I am pleased to read the GP appointment was productive in terms of AD medication, please do not worry about the whole Seroxat / Suicide issue I am with Seaneen on this I think the whole issue with the press was blown way out of proportion. If you do feel worse on it, you get back to your GP forthwith and get it changed for something else. There are plenty of different SSRI’s on the market to try until you find one that suits you. What suits one person might not suit another, out of all the SSRI’s I tried (and there was a lot!) I found Citalopram was the most affective for me.

    Remember baby steps, one day at a time you have all the support you need from fellow bloggers so hang on in there.

  7. Hi Bip,
    I've posted anonymously before, but was encouraged to get an account having seen the lovely bunch of folk (including you:) who make up this community.
    I'm so glad that you had someone over who you could really talk to and get some comfort from. I always leave your blog wishing I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug.
    All I can do is to repeat the sentiments of other comments: Please give the Seroxat a go. Give it a chance to make you feel better or at least different..just ANYTHING other than the shittiness that you're feeling now.
    Surely at this point the mantra must be "try anything"? The media blew up the Seroxat "scandal" as other folk have rightly commented.
    I hate that you now have two more weeks with no contact with services. I wonder if it would be ok to book yourself in with Dr O for an appointment afterall? At least then there'll be something on the horizon a bit sooner. Even just popping in for a blood test with the nurse means you'll have some other contact. I know how easy it is to stagnate at home and often have to force my own tired body into moving and doing something that keeps me in contact with the 'world at large'..but if I don't it inevitably all starts rushing downhill and gets harder and harder to even think about leaving the confines of my flat...Now I feel slightly hypocritical because I know how easy it sounds and how ruddy hard it is in practice, but....*hugs*, I'm out of words. We have to keep trying...just until it comes together more naturally/habitually (I'm holding on to hope that it will).
    Thinking of you m'dear.
    Strength & Courage,
    mel xXx

  8. I'm not sure I even know what point-to-pointing is, but I'm sure it's hugely exciting. ;)

    I know everything feels pointless right now, but I hope you will give the Seroxat a go. You've been saying for months that you thought medication could help and someone's finally listened to you - it doesn't have to be too late hon.

    Take good care of yourself. x

  9. I'm glad Karita came, yes she is lovely.

    As far as Paroxetine is concerned, I'd agree with the above commentators, although suicidal ideation can increase, it's usually more adolescents (though a risk up to 25) - doesn't mean that it'll happen, and if I'm honest with the level of suicidal ideation you are already expressing, I'm not sure it could get any worse...

    As far as coming off it is concerned, ditto - it's like any of the SSRIs, you need to taper them, on the whole though they're considered easier to come off than for example Venlafaxine. But then again everyone is different. Some people have no start up effects, side effects or withdrawal effects, others aren't so lucky. You won't know unless you try.

    I'd also suggest you make those blood test appointments, since presumably L/Dr O think there may be something physical going on and a for example an under-active thyroid would make you feel awful and depressed but is easily treated. And I know you see no point to it, perhaps because you don't want to be around next week anyway, but if that were to happen I think people would be to upset to worry about a missed appointment, and if you are still around it might be a step towards feeling a little better... (sorry that probably sounds really blunt - but that's how I continue to plan/function when I'm really low...)

    Take care,

  10. *hugs* I'm so glad that you had a visit from someone that you care about & trust so deeply. That was such a wonderful thing for Karita to do & it was something you needed very much.
    I'm sorry that the thoughts are as strong as ever but I'm glad to hear that the GP is at least going down the medication route now because appts with L every 2 weeks just isn't enough support and with depression like yours a two pronged effort is usually best. So even though you're ambivalent about the Seroxat it might be worth a try. Like someone else said the probs it faced was primarily in adolescents and considering how desperate you are and how endless the thoughts are I think its worth trying because I can't imagine it could make you feel worse than you do now. I also like the suggestion that L made about the blood. I think it'd be best to rule out any possible physical causes to this dark hole you find yourself in. My GP has to keep an eye on my thyroid and it can cause a lot of problems if its underactive. I'm so sorry hon that you're in so much pain. I really wish there was something anyone could say or do that would take it all away. I'm here if you need to talk x

  11. I did have loads to say but all the other lovely people above have already said it. I'm really glad you had someone there for you in real life, even if it was just for the day. Please at least consider the medication, horrible stuff though it is, it can make a real difference.

  12. I'd missed that about blood tests. Please do go. Diff is right, your thyroid should definitely be checked. Mine is underactive and I am on meds for that, and while it's not the cause of the depression, I know if I forget a dose (and occasionally I do, I'm rubbish) I feel far worse, really tired and low.
    *Reminds self to go for blood test I should have had a month ago, before giving people advice*. x