I am feeling really emotional tonight. The suicidal thoughts are very strong and everything is just feeling really overwhelming. I am frustrated and upset that I have been feeling so low and desperate for so long now - I thought that if I did keep going things would have started to lift by now, but every day seems to be as hard, or harder than the one before, and it isn't getting any easier at all.
I just phoned the out of hours number that goes through to the local psych ward. I find that incredibly hard to do, so I have to be really quite desperate to phone them, and therefore it happens very rarely. But it was 3am and I was desperate and lonely and I didn't know what else to do, so I called them. The woman I spoke to was actually really lovely. She was really sweet and caring and although she obviously couldn't suggest anything earth shattering, because there isn't anything, she was very supportive and understanding and she talked to me for about half an hour. She told me multiple times that I must call L in the morning and tell her how bad I am feeling and about the suicidal thoughts, and that I had to ring the ward tonight because things felt so hard. L already knows how I am feeling of course, and I did tell her that, but she was very insistent that I call her, and made me promise that I would, so I guess I will do that. She also said she would be contacting the crisis team to let them know I had phoned. I told her they probably wouldn't want to know, and she said it was likely they would leave it to L, but that was the only thing that she could do. She kept telling me to just get through tonight and speak to L tomorrow, and if I was feeling really unsafe tonight then to wake my mum up etc. She was very sweet and kept telling me I mustn't give up and to keep hopeful, and that there was something out there that would help, because there is for everything apparently. She said she thought I needed a medication review (I wonder how many more people will say that before it actually happens?) and that seeing the psychologist might really help. I told her how hopeless I felt, and how I just get through one bad patch to go into another one a few months later, and how this time it just seemed to be getting worse and worse and harder and harder and how I had been trying so hard and being honest about how I felt but that it just felt so hopeless, and how things like medication and seeing the psychologist felt like such a long term thing compared to where I am now and how I am feeling, and that I wished I had killed myself weeks ago when the thoughts first started getting strong. She said again how I really needed to talk to L and tell her all of this. I tried to explain that she does know, but she said she needs to know that the suicidal thoughts were bad enough tonight that I had to call the ward etc. I will speak to L, because I promised I would, but I know there is nothing she can do. Nobody can take these thoughts or feelings away and I am just so exhausted.
But I am glad I rung. She was just so sweet. It made me cry, just because she was being so kind and supportive, and when I am really struggling, as soon as someone is nice to me I just fall to pieces. So I did get a bit upset and sniffled my way through half the conversation. She seemed genuinely concerned, and I hadn't even told her a quarter of what I have told L or the crisis team or my GP over the last few weeks. But just being listened to and feeling like I was being taken seriously just made me feel so emotional. She said she was sure there were a lot of people who cared about me and what happened to me, and that she didn't even know me, but that she cared about me. It just made a really nice change to speak to a professional who didn't seem to be against me, and who cared about what happened to me etc. It hasn't changed how I feel, because I don't think anyone can do that at the moment, but just speaking to someone who took the time to talk to me and listen and made me feel like I was worthy of their time etc meant a lot. And it is reassuring that there are mental health professionals out there who do care.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago