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Tuesday, 1 February 2011

Fake

I feel like I must be a fake. Somehow I must give the impression on here that things are worse than they actually are. I am not sure how, because I just type what I am thinking and feeling, but that is the only explanation I can come up with as to why people who read this blog are concerned enough that they think I need more help or should be in hospital or whatever, whereas in 'real life' nobody seems to feel that - neither L nor the psychologist I saw last week expressed any concern or suggested I should be seen more regularly or by the crisis team or anything. So I think I must somehow be misrepresenting myself here, and I am sorry for that. Or perhaps I am making everything up and there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe it isn't obvious in my writing, but when you actually see me it is clear that I am nothing but an attention seeking liar. It feels real, but maybe I am making it all up and am just a compulsive liar. I don't understand. I am confused. I don't understand how I can give one impression to people who read this, and obviously one so different to the professionals involved in my care. I know it isn't because I don't tell them everything, because as I have said, L reads pretty much everything that the people who read this do. I sent that email to her the night before last saying how desperate I was and that I needed help, and attaching everything I had written lately. I still haven't heard anything from her. She hasn't replied to my email, and she hasn't called me. Either she must think there isn't really anything wrong with me and I am exaggerating everything, and therefore it isn't worth contacting me, or she doesn't care what happens to me. If it is the first and I am a fake and making everything up, then I am truly sorry for misleading you all. If it is the second them I am screwed really, as she has always been the one person I have trusted and who I have felt does care about me. Either way I don't feel like I am being left with many options.
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13 comments:

  1. North of Normal1 February 2011 at 17:44

    I was replying to your previous post and cross posted with you. I'm sorry you still haven't got a reply after reaching out (which I think was really the right thing to do).

    I think you missed out a couple of the possible options though. The third option is that she hasn't read it yet. The fourth option is that she has read it but is trying to write the thorough reply that you deserve and hasn't had time to do it justice yet. The fifth option is that she did read it but doesn't know what to do and knows that the NHS is mostly hopelessly managed and underfunded and it just doesn't have the flexibility or the services to offer you the help you deserve and so she doesn't know how to reply because her hands are tied, but because she does care she doesn't just want to reply with empty words, so she just hasn't replied yet.

    Whatever the reason though it can't feel good to be left wandering. *hugs*

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  2. Anonymous1 February 2011 at 17:51

    I don't think you are a fake or exaggerating. Writing is a very unique art form because it creates a picture that only the reader can see and no two pictures are alike. It brings things into focus much more sharply. So if you write about an experience truthfully, it remains truthful but when read, is seen through the filter that is the reader. So different people will see different things.

    Also, when you are writing about a particular topic, only that topic is "visible" to the reader, so it may seem a bigger issue than it actually is. For instance, if I write about something that makes me happy, the impression is that I am blissfully happy when in fact reality can be anything from that to I'm feeling very down but that one thing was great. But all the reader will see is the happy. Does this make sense?

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  3. Anonymous1 February 2011 at 18:03

    *hugs* You are not a liar. It is easy to misinterpret things on the internet.

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  4. GimpHag1 February 2011 at 18:24

    Not for one moment have I thought your distress was fake. *hugeHugs*

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  5. cbtish1 February 2011 at 18:38

    A sixth option is that L has terrible troubles in her own life, which she tries to keep hidden. Once you start trying to guess what other people are thinking you can quickly tie yourself in knots with all the possibilities. It is simpler to take at face value what people actually do, without looking deeper.

    What L actually does is...well, in this particular instance, nothing. What you actually do is write about feeling bad. Even here you write, "It feels real...", so I take that at face value without looking deeper. If you are nothing but an attention seeking liar, I don't care — I still take what you write at face value.

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  6. Bippidee1 February 2011 at 19:46

    North of Normal and cbtish - you are right - there are other possibilities for why she hasn't contacted me. She could be off sick and so not have read it, although that is relatively unlikely, and if she is at work then she will have read it. I suppose the other options are possible, but unlikely - I can't imagine she would spend days pondering what to say, particularly as I essentially said that I am in crisis now - waiting to decide what the right thing to say was wouldn't make sense. It also doesn't seem like her - if she replies she generally replies pretty fast, even if it is saying that she can't do X or whatever. cbtish - I know she is having some personal problems at the moment, which is why she has cut down her hours, and I am very aware of that, and did say in my email that I understand why she is seeing me less often etc. But if she is at work then that wouldn't explain why she hadn't contacted me. If she isn't at work then that is a different matter, but there is no reason for me to think she isn't in work at the moment. She is doing nothing, but I am not sure how I am supposed to respond to that - surely it is human nature to wonder why, ie whether it is because she doesn't think it is necessary, or doesn't care, or hasn't read it or whatever?

    titflasher - yes, what you said makes sense. And there have certainly been times when I have written about something positive whilst feeling shit, and felt like everyone has assumed I am feeling good. I am not sure how many ways there are to interpret feeling desperate and suicidal, but I suppose there probably are multiple ways, as with everything.

    Thank you all for not thinking I am lying or faking or anything. I don't feel as though I am, but somtimes I start to question myself, and what is real and what isn't, and getting very different reactions to the same thing, for eg concern here and no response from L, confuses me.

    Whilst I do appreciate there may be more options for why L hasn't contacted me then the two I listed, it still leaves me in much the same position. Ok, maybe she hasn't replied because she has been very busy, but that doesn't change how I feel, or what I feel my options are. I felt like the only options I had were to kill myself without trying to get more help first, or being completely honest and seeing where that got me. But it hasn't got me anywhere, and I am not feeling any better. And to be honest I am kind of hurt that she hasn't replied, even if just to say that she didn't think there was anything she could do. Not getting a response at all makes me feel even more worthless and undeserving of any help.

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  7. Lisa1 February 2011 at 21:27

    I do not think that you are over exaggerating at all. My thoughts do tend to be more extreme than my actual actions and typing them out really do help. typing out the worst things- the hardest thoughts- I do the same thing.

    You're not a fake :) In fact- I believe you're being the exact opposite. You're being raw and real.

    <3

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  8. butterflywings2 February 2011 at 01:07

    You're not a fake or a liar, hon.
    Gah, I was going to say that it's easier to communicate in writing, and it is, but I understand L has read all this.
    I think she is just incompetent. There is no excuse for her not replying (unless she is off sick or something like that). I hope for you that she contacts you tomorrow. If she doesn't, call her, OK? (It won't be being a pain, too demanding or whatever you think).
    I read your last post about why L doesn't want you to go to A&E and it makes sense. That doesn't mean you don't need help, though.
    Maybe L thinks you won't act on the thoughts because your parents are around?
    I had another thought; there are some charities that have kind of retreat type homes for people who feel suicidal, e.g. http://www.maytree.org.uk/. Might be an idea.
    One minute at a time, hon.

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  9. Bippidee2 February 2011 at 02:34

    Thank you both. I am glad people don't think I am exaggerating or a fake. I get confused sometimes and think I must be - otherwise surely I would have been dead a long time ago?

    butterfly - L has always been really supportive in the past. There was one time, I think perhaps November, although I may be wrong, where I felt like she let me down when I was struggling, but apart from that she has always been really good. She certainly isn't incompetant, but I don't know why she hasn't contacted me. The thing is, it won't actually make any difference. I know that rightly or wrongly she won't suggest anything more in terms of help, because of her views on hospital and the crisis team, and my experiences with the crisis team and A&E. I don't think it is about my parents being around - I think she just believes I can get through them. Which I maybe could. But it doesn't feel like it at the moment, and I can only go by how I feel.

    I have looked at the Maytree website many times in the past. It looks like a very good place, and I wish there were more places like that around. It sounds weird, but it kind of bothers me that you can only stay there once. There have been a lot of times I have considered contacting them, but I have got through all of those times, except obviously the times when I did make attempts, and so I now feel like if I had gone there on one of those occasions it would have been a waste, as I coped without it. And what if this would be another of those times? And on the other hand, I don't even know if I want help. I don't feel like I want to get through this at the moment. I don't know. Thank you for your support, I really do appreciate it. xxx

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  10. Anonymous2 February 2011 at 02:47

    I don't believe you are a liar. What you write is so real. It's interesting how you blame yourself when two other parties are in conflict-- that's the depression talking. You are not at fault for anything.

    Wishing you well,
    NOS

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  11. Bippidee2 February 2011 at 03:02

    I hadn't even considered that, but I suppose in a way that is what I am doing. I just don't understand how, unless I am misrepresenting myself somehow, two lots of people can see my situation so differently. It seems like the only possibility is that I present very differently to how I write, and therefore despite also seeing the writing, L assumes that things aren't as bad as I am saying, or people reading my blog get the impression that things are worse than they are because of the way I write. I don't know. I am quite confused to be honest.

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  12. Narky2 February 2011 at 11:01

    I don't think you're a fake either. I think you're lovely and it is the professionals' fault for being utterly incompetent, including L.

    I think a few days retreat could be really good for you, honey. Somewhere gentle and quiet, with someone to talk to, outside your own situation.

    xxx

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  13. magda pio4 February 2011 at 02:46

    i have been reading your blog for a while and I am in awe of your writing.
    I think that the fact that you are articulate, have insight and support and are "difficult" and possibly "demanding" and intelligent is the main/ only reason that L doesnt reply to you.
    I emailed my last cc and psychologist and just ended up being told that the trust policy was NOT to communicate with Service users by email.
    Its shocking how much your experience with them mirrors mine. The more they know you know they are inadequate and crap then the less you get... the law of inverse response to need. Now if you were a quiet patient, and tucked up in a supported living facility and docile and compliant - they'd be all over you with platitudes and support. In my not so humbel opinion they are just rubbish, have no answers, prefer to play on facebook in their offices and have endless meetings with each other and sod most of the patients
    Cynical ? me
    nope
    I have an appointment with an new psych in Edinburgh tomorrow, having fled London in the summer and fetched up in Scotland.... and i am not optomistic
    xxx
    anyhow you have my respect and best wishes for what its worth!!!!

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