Tuesday, 1 February 2011
I feel like I must be a fake. Somehow I must give the impression on here that things are worse than they actually are. I am not sure how, because I just type what I am thinking and feeling, but that is the only explanation I can come up with as to why people who read this blog are concerned enough that they think I need more help or should be in hospital or whatever, whereas in 'real life' nobody seems to feel that - neither L nor the psychologist I saw last week expressed any concern or suggested I should be seen more regularly or by the crisis team or anything. So I think I must somehow be misrepresenting myself here, and I am sorry for that. Or perhaps I am making everything up and there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe it isn't obvious in my writing, but when you actually see me it is clear that I am nothing but an attention seeking liar. It feels real, but maybe I am making it all up and am just a compulsive liar. I don't understand. I am confused. I don't understand how I can give one impression to people who read this, and obviously one so different to the professionals involved in my care. I know it isn't because I don't tell them everything, because as I have said, L reads pretty much everything that the people who read this do. I sent that email to her the night before last saying how desperate I was and that I needed help, and attaching everything I had written lately. I still haven't heard anything from her. She hasn't replied to my email, and she hasn't called me. Either she must think there isn't really anything wrong with me and I am exaggerating everything, and therefore it isn't worth contacting me, or she doesn't care what happens to me. If it is the first and I am a fake and making everything up, then I am truly sorry for misleading you all. If it is the second them I am screwed really, as she has always been the one person I have trusted and who I have felt does care about me. Either way I don't feel like I am being left with many options.