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Tuesday, 1 February 2011
I feel like I must be a fake. Somehow I must give the impression on here that things are worse than they actually are. I am not sure how, because I just type what I am thinking and feeling, but that is the only explanation I can come up with as to why people who read this blog are concerned enough that they think I need more help or should be in hospital or whatever, whereas in 'real life' nobody seems to feel that - neither L nor the psychologist I saw last week expressed any concern or suggested I should be seen more regularly or by the crisis team or anything. So I think I must somehow be misrepresenting myself here, and I am sorry for that. Or perhaps I am making everything up and there is nothing wrong with me. Maybe it isn't obvious in my writing, but when you actually see me it is clear that I am nothing but an attention seeking liar. It feels real, but maybe I am making it all up and am just a compulsive liar. I don't understand. I am confused. I don't understand how I can give one impression to people who read this, and obviously one so different to the professionals involved in my care. I know it isn't because I don't tell them everything, because as I have said, L reads pretty much everything that the people who read this do. I sent that email to her the night before last saying how desperate I was and that I needed help, and attaching everything I had written lately. I still haven't heard anything from her. She hasn't replied to my email, and she hasn't called me. Either she must think there isn't really anything wrong with me and I am exaggerating everything, and therefore it isn't worth contacting me, or she doesn't care what happens to me. If it is the first and I am a fake and making everything up, then I am truly sorry for misleading you all. If it is the second them I am screwed really, as she has always been the one person I have trusted and who I have felt does care about me. Either way I don't feel like I am being left with many options.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
You are welcome to add me on Facebook - I am on there as Bippidee Mentalist, and on Twitter as bippidee86.