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Thursday 3 February 2011

Exhausted

I suppose it must be possible to feel worse than I am, but right now I can't imagine how. I feel exhausted and desperate and alone, and I can't put into words how bad I feel. My sleep was even worse than usual. I finally managed to get to sleep about 7:30am, and slept for about an hour and a half before waking up and not being able to get back to sleep for a while. Then I kept going back to sleep, but only for about 30 or 40 minutes at a time, and then waking up and not being able to sleep again. I probably managed about 4 hours total in the end, maybe a little more, but it was so disturbed and broken, with long patches of being awake in between, and the longest I managed to sleep for without waking up was the first 90 minutes, and was then awake for quite a while before I managed to get back to sleep. So I am exhausted. I feel like complete shit.

I spoke to L a little while ago. In complete desperation at about 7:15 this morning I sent her a text asking if she could please call me at some point today. She rung about an hour ago. I am shit on the phone. Particularly when I am feeling as bad as I am at the moment, and I don't think the exhaustion is helping. I can't remember much of the conversation. I know I had difficulty forming sentences and finding the word I meant, so my part of the conversation was all very slow and confused. She asked how I was and I said bad, and she asked what I had been doing this week. I asked what day it was, and she said you tell me, and I said I honestly had no idea, I was too confused. She told me it was Thursday, and I said I had been to rehearsal twice and that was about it. I was semi crying most of the phone call. I said I couldn't keep going like this, that I felt too bad and I just couldn't cope. She asked if my mood had suddenly dropped or if it had just been getting worse and worse. I was a bit confused by this, because I had emailed her Monday morning, so surely she knew my mood was very low. I asked if she had got the email and she said that she had and that she was sorry she hadn't had time to reply. Which kind of confirmed to me that I don't really matter. She asked what I thought about what the psychologist had said, and I said I found it really hard to think about, because it just seemed such a long way ahead and I couldn't imagine being alive that far ahead and that I just couldn't think about it; that it seemed irrelevant. I said I was feeling really suicidal and that I wanted to die. She said the usual type of things - that I needed to try and find one or two things that I could do each day to give my life some structure, and that I could work on getting my sleep pattern better, and not to view suicide as an option as it wasn't helpful etc etc. I spoke to her for about 15 minutes and then she said she was going to have to go, and that she would see me Tuesday, and that she was sorry I was feeling so awful. So at least now I have spoken to her, and I know that she received and read my email and knows how I am feeling, and it doesn't seem like more support is an option. I am too exhausted to care or even really have any feelings about it.

7 comments:

  1. OMG! I get so angry with your care! Or the lack of it. These people are just not taking you seriously. What more do you have to do to get the help you need???
    I know there are no words to make you feel better so I'm just letting you know that I care. ((hugs))

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  2. It is disgusting I don't know what to tell you to do, you are doing everything right, everything you can do but they are not helping you. I don't know why this is, except they are not taking yur risks seriously as they should. I think the only thing I suggest is to tell your parents hun, I know you dont want to but they are the only ones I can see who an a)keep you safe and b) try and push for some help.

    I know you don't want to tell them, I know you don't want to be kept safe. but you are ill and the only way to get better is to be around. It may seem unlikely but it can happen. x

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  3. What My Black Fog and La-reve said. And *hugs*. X

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  4. Thank you all for the support. La-reve, my parents can't keep me safe. Even if they know there is nothing they can do. They can't watch me all the time. And in the past when my mum has tried to push for help it hasn't made any difference. I find it more unhelpful generally when they know how bad things are. Obviously they know things aren't great, but I don't want to talk about it further, I don't see it would serve any purpose. xxx

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  5. As the others have noted, there's not much that can be said to comfort you, but I also wanted to express my anger and frustration with your care. I know L means well, but she really doesn't seem to 'get' that this is really serious. I have no idea how you would get her to either. Fuck. The NHS is such a crock of shite at times. I wish there was something we - your mates (on- and offline) could do, and if there is please say (but I doubt it, sadly).

    So all I can do is to send you as many hugs and as much strength as a comment blog can take. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I hope you can take care of yourself, in some way at least.

    xxxxx

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