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Monday, 29 March 2010

Appointment tomorrow

I have been thinking about it and I am not going to go and see L tomorrow. I feel like I am wasting her time. I can't do the things she is asking me to do (get into a better sleep pattern, go out for walks, eat regularly rather than my chaotic all over the place style, etc etc) because I just feel too bad and it is too difficult. And if I am not going to do what she is telling me to do there is no point me seeing her. She could be spending her time helping someone who might actually get better. Whereas I have had enough, I don't want to be here anymore. I know that people will think I should go, but there really isn't any point. I know what I want, and that is to not be here, so seeing her is just wasting her time.
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10 comments:

  1. Anonymous29 March 2010 at 19:05

    Hey hun, If you use msn I have added the email addy that you have left comments on my blog with to my list. It would be really nice to chat to you especially as I'm always up half the night as well. Take care and hopefully speak to you soon.xx

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  2. fine fine fine29 March 2010 at 19:13

    Hi
    First time commenting but have read for a while. I know this isn't what you want to hear but maybe now is just the time that you need to see L?
    I was in similar situation a few weeks ago and almost got discharged as couldn't do what was asked of me. But we sorted it and somehow saying how awful things were made it feel more worthwhile trying. Would have felt much worse being discharged. L will want to help, worth giving her a chance?
    Sorry this is irritating as hell but needed to comment as really feel for you x

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  3. Anonymous29 March 2010 at 19:13

    Please go to the appointment, even if it's just a reason to get out the house. I'm feeling somewhat the same about my psych appt tomorrow but I will go because if nothing else, it prevents me spending another day indoors.

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  4. Bippidee29 March 2010 at 20:17

    Have accepted you on MSN.

    Hi fine fine fine. Thanks for commenting. I am always suprised when someone new comments, because it kind of suprises me that anyone reads my blog! I do understand what you are saying about seeing L, but there is nothing she can do. She can't change the way I feel, and I just feel like I am wasting her time and she will get fed up with me. I know she won't discharge me for not doing the things she is suggesting, but I feel like I am disappointing her or letting her down or something, and I am positive I must be frustrating her!

    It would be a reason to get out of the house, yes. But is there any point in that? It feels like there is no point in anything at the moment.

    And I have actually emailed and said I am not going.... I did explain why - I said what I had said in my post. So it is too late now anyway. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I know there is nothing anyone can say that is going to change how I feel or make things any better or make me want to live, and now she can spend the time she would have been seeing me doing something more important.

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  5. Susie29 March 2010 at 20:32

    Hun you are wasting her time as much as i'm wasting M's time - remember what you said about my ED issues when i questioned them? You aren't wasting her time.

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  6. Louise (Bluesilk's Blog)29 March 2010 at 21:26

    I find it really hard to make those 'shall I go?' decisions when I'm feeling bad. I think it's great that you have told her how you feel and why you feel you wouldn't gain from seeing her/would be wasting her time.
    At least if she knows how you're feeling she can maybe work with that and perhaps reassure you in some way.
    I don't know. It's horrible feeling the way you describe. Sometimes talking to someone (whoever is available) releases a bit of the pressure for me, but I guess it's an individual thing.
    Hope this passes soon XX

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  7. Bippidee29 March 2010 at 21:36

    I usually do go to appointments. In fact I always do. I have never missed an appointment because I feel bad before. I have always turned up however shit I feel. I don't know what is different this time. I just feel so bad, and the suicidal thoughts are so strong, and I just keep thinking that if I am going to act on those then what is the point in going to see her and sitting there talking about changing things etc when I am planning to kill myself. I don't know. I feel so overwhelmed and confused by it all.

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  8. Unknown29 March 2010 at 22:00

    Hey Bip,

    Sounds like things really suck right now. Quite a bit of depression is sounds like. And stress from the suicidal thoughts. I'm so sorry.

    It is a struggle to go to appointments when so depressed and things feel meaningless. It's times like these when it might help to realize and accept that you do feel so miserable but that you don't have to do what you feel like doing. And just because we feel things are a certain way, such as meaningless or pointless, doesn't mean they are that way.

    As far as wasting her time goes. This is how she makes a living. Ultimately, she needs to see you to make a living. As long as she's getting paid and you're certainly in need of help then it's impossible for it to be a waste of time. And I imagine you're probably underestimating how much time she spends working with people who feel just as you do right now.

    Maybe if you're feeling suicidal and you can't keep a connection with your therapist it would be a good decision to check in with your local hospital or ER just for your own safety. It sounds like you're truely in need of assistance.

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  9. Bippidee29 March 2010 at 23:22

    Hi Stacy,

    I have read your comment several times now and not replied because I don't really know what to say. I think partly I just feel so bad that in a way not seeing anyone is easier, because I know there is nothing L, or anyone else, can do if I do see them, so if I see her it is like there is nowhere else to turn afterwards. That probably doesn't make sense. I don't know. I am not going to go to A&E though, whatever happens. That really is pointless - it just means sitting around for hours and achieving nothing. I would far rather see L than anyone else. I do just feel like I am wasting her time, and I feel guilty and confused and desperate and overwhelmed. I don't know. I can't think straight.

    Thank you though. Thank you to everyone who has commented. It means a lot that people bother. xxx

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  10. Looking for Sunshine30 March 2010 at 01:49

    I'm sorry that you won't be able to make your appointment tomorrow. I'm also sorry that you still aren't feeling well. In DBT we learn that when we're at our lowest it's time to do some self-soothing: something that makes us feel good, whatever it is, as long as it's not self-harming. So, reach into your bag of tricks and pull out something that's unique to you and hopefully it will make you feel better, even if just for ten minutes. I hope this helps!

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