I am not feeling very good. I think things started slipping maybe 4 or 5 days ago, but I have been busy pretending that if I ignore it then it will go away. Sadly not working. The last couple of days I have been feeling worse and am having to admit to myself that I seem to be entering another bad patch. I don't know what has caused it. I never do. That frustrates me a lot. I would of course have to be a complete moron not to realise that my unhappiness over my weight is contributing to my low mood. I want to cry every time I become aware of my body. Have been purging again this last month. Not often, but it isn't good to even be doing it again semi regularly having not done it at all for so long. It can't just be my weight making me feel like this though, as I haven't actually gained anything in the time that I have noticed things getting worse. I feel very alone at the moment. It almost feels like I am in a bubble and cut off from everyone else. I feel very slowed down too, I can't think properly. My sleep is very bad. I suppose the fact that I am writing this at 6am shows that. Even when I do get to sleep I am waking up a lot. I don't remember the last time when I had a good sleep that I actually woke up from feeling refreshed. I wake up exhausted every day. My thoughts are becoming increasingly intrusive again. Feeling very hopeless and overwhelmed by it all really.
It probably isn't helping that I haven't seen L for a long time. It is 3 weeks now, and I am not seeing her until friday, which feels like a long way away at the moment. And I think I have only spoken to her on the phone once in that time, whereas usually I see her for about an hour and a half, and call and talk to her if I am not feeling too good.
Not sure what to do with myself really. Try again to sleep I suppose.
'Life is funny
But not ha ha funny
Peculiar I guess
You think I got it all going my way
Then why am I such a fucking mess?'
- 3 Speed, Eels
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago