I spoke to L earlier. I was very upset and distressed, and cried most of the time. She really wants me to start going for a walk every day to get me out the house, and also to try and sort out my metabolism so that I am not getting so distressed about my weight. The trouble is, I have issued with walking, and got seriously panicky about it. It is completely and utterly irrational, but I find walking on my own (well, with the dog, but without other people) really scary. Just her talking about it made me start to have a little panic attack. I always get paranoid that somebody is following me, and spend the whole time looking over my shoulder and getting increasingly worked up about the whole bloody thing. She also wants me to try and aim to maintain my weight, rather than obsess with losing it, but this is an absolute impossibility for me at the moment, and the mention of it caused minor hysterics. She said to write down what I was thinking/feeling and to email it to her, so I did that, and thought I would copy it here, mostly for my own reference.
'I hate myself. All I can think about is how useless I am, and how I can’t do anything right. My weight is really getting me down. People say that being thin doesn’t make you happy, and that is true, I have not been happy when I have been at lower weights, but it has been one less thing to upset me. At the moment I am finding my weight so distressing, and it stops me from wanting anybody to see me, so I am avoiding seeing people even more than I usually would. I am ashamed of myself for letting myself get so massive, and I feel completely worthless for not being able to lose the weight. I so desperately want to lose weight. I don’t even need to go as low as I was last year, I could cope with maintaining in the low 8st range, but I can’t cope with my weight being as high as it is now. There are things I think about doing, and then just can’t because I can’t let people see me like this. I can’t bear the thought of people seeing me like this. I really feel grotesque. I am not going to go to ballet any more until I have lost weight. It makes me feel too horrible. I hated it last night – the whole lesson I just wanted to get out of there.
So I know I am partly feeling bad about my weight, but I really don’t know why else. I feel like such a horrible person at the moment, I am so irritable and I am snapping and screaming at my parents over tiny things, that don’t even matter. I can't spend more than a couple of minutes with them without losing it and screaming and shouting at them. And I get angry with them, and then I get angry with me for being such a bitch. I feel completely worthless. I really don’t want to be alive. I am a failure, and I keep going in this stupid fucking deluded way hoping that maybe one day things will get better, but they never do, they get worse. I don’t think I have ever hated myself as much as I do now. I have never felt so useless. I really feel like I can’t do anything, that I am not good at anything, that I am a horrible person, that everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here. I feel so pathetic for not even being able to go out for a walk on my own. Useless. I keep getting these little pictures flashing into my head of me slashing at myself with a blade, or overdosing. I want to hurt myself. I hate myself. I can’t think properly, it just goes back to that. Nothing else matters. I want to die.'
She seems to be leaning quite strongly towards me going back on anti depressants, but who knows what Dr E will think, as she always seems quite strongly against me taking medication, due to the whole 'You have a personality disorder so medication won't help you' line. Not due to see her for a couple of weeks anyway. At this rate I don't feel like I will be here by then, but who knows. I am really hungry. It is so tempting to just go and raid the kitchen and eat whatever the hell I like since it doesn't seem to make any fucking difference how careful I am about what I eat, I still gain. But I really don't know what I will do in the morning if I have gained again, I was so upset by it today. So I won't eat anything else. I will just have to try and sleep. I am so bloody exhausted. Not tired as such, just emotionally completely drained, I feel like I have nothing left.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago