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Sunday, 28 March 2010

Suicidal thoughts

I really don't know how to cope with how suicidal I have been feeling the last few days. Or even if I want to. It feels like it would be so much easier to just give in to it. All I can think about is my weight and killing myself, my head just flicks from one to the other. I don't care about anything else. Have been thinking about asking someone to get some speed for me (no, I don't take drugs, but I have been thinking about it a lot). Not for the high, but because it would take away my appetite and then I wouldn't eat and then I would start losing weight, and then maybe I would feel like I could cope a bit better. The way I am at the moment I feel like nothing can make me feel any worse. I actually cannot live with myself at this weight. So either I lose weight or I kill myself. Killing myself is preferable, because I know I would still feel crap even if I did lose weight - I am not naive enough to think that if I lost weight everything would be wonderful and I would be happy etc etc. I know I would still be depressed. But it would help in that it would be one less thing to distress me, so it is an option. But being alive like this is definitely not.
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9 comments:

  1. Unknown28 March 2010 at 04:45

    So sorry about your rough time lately. I think you mentioned in a post the other day that you haven't come right out and spoken directly with your therapists/doctors about the suicidal feelings you're having because you can't think of anything they can do about it. I suppose there is some truth to that in the bigger picture, that they can't do anything about it. But, they may be able to help you do something about it. And they certainly can't help you with it if you're not letting them know.
    And when it comes right down to it, you know they can do something about it to keep you save if it comes to that. But not if you're not telling them about it.

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  2. Bippidee28 March 2010 at 04:59

    My psych doesn't know because I haven't seen her for 2 months, and I didn't talk to my GP about it, but L (my CPN/care coordinator) does know how I am feeling. I am very honest with her. It was her that asked me to start writing about how I was feeling in the first place, which was how this blog came about, as I thought that if I was writing about how I was feeling I would like to have a record of it. She doesn't have a link to this or anything, but apart from the bits where I am talking about appointments she gets to read most of what I say here. And she is the main person in my care - she is the person I see every week, and who knows me best, and who is basically 'in charge' of my care, so it is more important that she knows what is going on with me. I trust her completely, so I don't mind being honest with her.

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  3. Anonymous28 March 2010 at 10:33

    I know the feeling. It's awful when for 5 mins you feel ok and realise it's because it's the first time in days you haven't been contemplating how and why to kill yourself. It's so difficult but personally I'd much rather you didn't top yourself :) Is there any chance of getting a psych appt to see if anything can be done with meds etc at least in the short term? Take care and ((hugs))

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  4. Pandora28 March 2010 at 12:39

    I'm glad you can talk to L, hun, but I'm sorry that things are so shit at the minute :( I agree with Anickdaler; I'd rather you didn't kill yourself. However, I know that's horribly hypocritical and I certainly understand the desire all too well. I'm just hoping that, somehow, this depression will pass (or at least ease) as soon as possible.

    Take care of yourself - you know where I am. xxx

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  5. Anonymous28 March 2010 at 14:31

    Hey hun,

    I'm really sorry to see you are feeling so desperately low at the moment. I know how difficult it is to see any light at the end of the tunnel when you are stuck in the midst of suicidal thoughts. I never know how I get through them or how things start to pick up again, but they always seem to pick up very slightly at least for a little while. I hope yours will too.

    With regards to the meds, I know I will probably not be saying the right thing here, but if getting the Tryptophan is something you think would make you feel a lot better, then would it not be worth just buying some from a health shop on or offline? I don't know if it's the exact same as what the docs can prescribe but surely it has to be a preferable option than looking for stronger/illegal/damaging substances to get the same sort of result?

    I'm the first to admit that I don't know a great deal about eating disorders, but I find myself of the opinion that if a herbal supplement that is available in health food shops could help your mood to lift then even if it has risks to your health in the long run - at the moment you are suicidal and contemplating not being here - which is worse?

    Suicide is very final, there is no going back, so I can't help but think that just buying these supplements yourself can't be such a bad thing if it will at least lift your mood a little and help take the edges off your suicidal thoughts.

    I know that telling people just how desperate you feel is always difficult especially when it comes to professionals who can exercise their powers over you, that is what always scares me, that if I'm just a bit too honest they will have me sectioned. But I have a very good relationship with my social worker (mho) like you do with L and I know I can confide in her and make plans to see her more often and use her support more frequently until the mood begins to lift. I hope that L might be able to offer you more frequent support just now while you are feeling so crappy.

    Sorry for the essay! Take care hun xx

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  6. Anonymous28 March 2010 at 14:36

    Sorry your feeling this way. Hugs xx

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  7. Bippidee28 March 2010 at 16:27

    Thank you all. I don't know when I will be able to get a psych appt for, as she has been off sick for the last 2 weeks so she will have a big backlog when she is back.

    I wanted to get tryptophan online, but I could only find it as part of 5HTP, and it has quite a lot less in than I was on so I didn't think it would do anything. I bought some other diet pills online but they didn't help.

    xxx

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  8. Anonymous28 March 2010 at 19:22

    I was really interested in your wanting to take tryptophan. After reading about it and it's possible side effects i don't know if it would be a good idea to do so without your doctor's knowledge. It sounds like it oculd have some very nasty side effects specifically if mixed with an ssri. I know this is not what you want to hear but maybe if you can get an appointment with your psychiatrist and explain just how bad things are they will reconsider prescribing it to you again.
    Sorry for the sermon just worry when people buy off the internet that's all. xx

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  9. Bippidee28 March 2010 at 20:22

    Well actually when it is prescribed it is prescribed alongside SSRIs as it makes them more effective (supposedly) - I was prescribed it with Citalopram. I didn't have any side effects bar the loss of appetite, which was very welcome! x

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