Sunday, 28 March 2010
I really don't know how to cope with how suicidal I have been feeling the last few days. Or even if I want to. It feels like it would be so much easier to just give in to it. All I can think about is my weight and killing myself, my head just flicks from one to the other. I don't care about anything else. Have been thinking about asking someone to get some speed for me (no, I don't take drugs, but I have been thinking about it a lot). Not for the high, but because it would take away my appetite and then I wouldn't eat and then I would start losing weight, and then maybe I would feel like I could cope a bit better. The way I am at the moment I feel like nothing can make me feel any worse. I actually cannot live with myself at this weight. So either I lose weight or I kill myself. Killing myself is preferable, because I know I would still feel crap even if I did lose weight - I am not naive enough to think that if I lost weight everything would be wonderful and I would be happy etc etc. I know I would still be depressed. But it would help in that it would be one less thing to distress me, so it is an option. But being alive like this is definitely not.