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Saturday, 20 March 2010

No no no no no no NO. I can't do this. I feel so fucking shit. I hate myself so much. I didn't want to write anything because I didn't want to just write self pitying drivel every time I wrote anything, but I needed to do something.

I should be happy. I have had good news this week. But even when things that should be good happen, I just see all the negatives.

Everything is bad. Sleep is bad. Weight is hideous. Concentration is crap. Motivation is non existant. Suicidal thoughts are rampant. Self esteem is at the bottom of a well somewhere. I can cope with 1 or 2 of these things being bad. I really can't deal with the whole lot. The continuing saga of my weight is still a massive problem. It makes me feel more suicidal. It makes me ashamed to leave the house. It makes me not even want to get out of bed, because walking makes me too aware of my thighs. So I lay in bed. And get fatter. Which makes me feel more worthless. More suicidal. And so it goes on.

I just want to scream and cry and shout and cut and overdose and punch things. I feel utterly overwhelmed.

I hate everyone. I really feel like everyone is against me. They all want me to be fat. Why do they want me to be fat? They know how shit it makes me feel. So why won't they give me the one fucking thing that helped me control my weight? Maybe they want me to kill myself. One person off the case load. I am so angry. Fucking furious actually. I just don't understand.

Now I am crying. I just don't know what to do. I feel so desperate, and so alone. I feel completely trapped by my mood and my weight. I can't do this. I just want to make everything stop.

16 comments:

  1. I'm a new follower of your blog. "Bippidee" here, too. That's a funny nickname for BPD! While reading BPD blogs, I'm noticing that most of other people who have BPD are at least putting forth some effort, even if they fail. I gave up doing anything once I found out I was pregnant. Now, at 8 months pregnant, I'm reading BPD blogs and being inspired (by even you!) to AT LEAST attempt to get things done. Thanks for your inspiration!

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  2. Oh hun. I'm so sorry that things are so shite at the minute. I wish I had something useful to say but I really don't...I know nothing makes any difference.

    Thinking of you. *hugs* x

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  3. Sorry your feeling so rubbish. Just sending you hugs xx

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  4. Hi Bippidee
    Thank you for all your comments on my blog. I'm afraid I had to delete your last comment, because I really need to keep my blog anonymous for obvious reasons, and it's vital not to be able to identify the location. Otherwise I would have to stop blogging, and I quite enjoy it.
    I regularly read your blog. Hang in there, however bad you're feeling -- it will always get better.

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  5. Thanks for all the comments.

    Masked AMHP - You may want to take out the location reference in your last paragraph in that case ;)

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  6. Oops!! And I thought I'd been so careful. Now I feel really stupid. Thanks for pointing it out!

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  7. No problem. Wouldn't want you to become unmasked!

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  8. Hang in there Bippidee, keep going lovely. you know where my inbox is if you need it xxx

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  9. Thank you, that means a lot. I always get emotional when people are nice to me when I am struggling!

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  10. yeah I know what you mean..I can usually hold it together when I feel shit until somebody tries to hug me :)

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  11. Hey hun, just remember it's ok to feel shit, we are all allowed to feel like that. I know it is horrible when it seems to drag on and on, but just try and be gentle to yourself and hang in there and you will begin to see the light at the top of that black hole again soon. For me, distraction is always the key, but when you feel so desperate it might not be such a bad idea to ask for some extra help and support from L. Sending you hugs x

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  12. Sorry it's all crap. It's so hard when everything feels so negative, and you just can't see how things were ever different or how they ever will be again. Certainly don't be ashamed or angry for writing stuff, nobody has to read blogs, none of us would comment if we didn't care. Feel free to email me if I can help at all, or come and "talk" to me on Twitter, I find it a very distracting way of filling some very dark moments.

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  13. I'm sorry you're not feeling well. Don't get down on yourself for things not being in order in your life-I'll keep a good thought for you.

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  14. Sorry to hear everything is shit at the moment. I know what you mean about being able to deal with 1 or 2 things being bad, but finding they're all against you at the same time, feels insurmountable some times.

    I know it feels like you "can't do this", but you are, just by being here, just by keeping going, that takes strength and courage. I really hope things start to improve for you soon.

    Take care,
    Differently

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  15. I understand the weight thing. I swear the docs don't care about us being fat because of all the drugs they give us that increases weight. I talk about it often to my doc and therapist and they don't think it's a big deal. I honestly think that they think our quality of life is not as important as "normal" people. Btw, I am in the government system of mental health care in the US.

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  16. Hi Bip, I grew up in Surrey and went to school in Slough before moving to Oxfordshire and then back to Berks (I'm a bit of a home counties girl it seems). Anyway, just wanted to say hello and that I can relate to a lot of what you've written here, I hope that you can hang on in there (as trite as that sounds when I write it down), it's nice to meet people in similar boats and to be honest, I'm only just starting to be a bit more open about it all so whilst my blog may seem happy-happy, that's not always me...
    Good to *meet* you.

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