No no no no no no NO. I can't do this. I feel so fucking shit. I hate myself so much. I didn't want to write anything because I didn't want to just write self pitying drivel every time I wrote anything, but I needed to do something.
I should be happy. I have had good news this week. But even when things that should be good happen, I just see all the negatives.
Everything is bad. Sleep is bad. Weight is hideous. Concentration is crap. Motivation is non existant. Suicidal thoughts are rampant. Self esteem is at the bottom of a well somewhere. I can cope with 1 or 2 of these things being bad. I really can't deal with the whole lot. The continuing saga of my weight is still a massive problem. It makes me feel more suicidal. It makes me ashamed to leave the house. It makes me not even want to get out of bed, because walking makes me too aware of my thighs. So I lay in bed. And get fatter. Which makes me feel more worthless. More suicidal. And so it goes on.
I just want to scream and cry and shout and cut and overdose and punch things. I feel utterly overwhelmed.
I hate everyone. I really feel like everyone is against me. They all want me to be fat. Why do they want me to be fat? They know how shit it makes me feel. So why won't they give me the one fucking thing that helped me control my weight? Maybe they want me to kill myself. One person off the case load. I am so angry. Fucking furious actually. I just don't understand.
Now I am crying. I just don't know what to do. I feel so desperate, and so alone. I feel completely trapped by my mood and my weight. I can't do this. I just want to make everything stop.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago