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Thursday, 25 March 2010

Struggling

I feel really crap. The suicidal thoughts have got so strong again lately and I am finding it really difficult not to act on them. Although there wouldn’t have been much opportunity this week anyway really. I probably wouldn’t have done anything even if there had been I suppose. I want to. I wish I could. I wish I could so much. I wish I could forget how my parents have reacted when I have tried in the past. It sounds terrible, but sometimes I wish they weren’t here so that I could kill myself without worrying about upsetting people. I do still think they would be better off without me, but I don’t think they would be able to see that. I just feel so terrible, and I can’t think of any reason to be alive at the moment except for other people. And I don’t know how much longer I can live for other people. I don’t remember the last time I wouldn’t have wanted to die. Why would it be more selfish of me to kill myself, than it is other people keeping me alive? I hate myself so much. I feel so disgusting. Repulsive. And so ashamed of myself. Even whilst I am sitting here writing this I feel so aware of how big my thighs are and it is making me so uncomfortable and disgusting that I am crying. I just want to slice bits off them. I feel hideous letting people see me like this. Just thinking about it makes me feel so sick. I hate myself for letting my weight be so important to me. I know that if I was losing weight I would still feel like shit, and I would still feel suicidal, but that on top of everything else is just too much for me. I just want a break so much. I just want a little while of not feeling like this. Of not having to fight with myself all the time. And if I was losing weight at least it would be one thing less to upset me. I would do anything right now. I can’t even express how desperate I feel. I keep thinking about next week and when I could kill myself and how. It is so appealing.

7 comments:

  1. talk to me about random things to keep distracted hun. We can talk about everything and nothing, whatever you want. Did seeing L help at all, did u make her aware of how you are feeling. I care about you hun, big hugs.xxx

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  2. Have you told someone in a professional capacity about all of this? I know I got kind of annoyed when people suggested that to me as I didn't want to seem to be a problem but it does sound like you need some much better support. Take care if you can, be safe.

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  3. So sorry you're struggling right now. I often go through the same rational as you about suicide. I find some specific thing to loth myself about, like how you feel about your body, but really it's just the depression talking. Remember it's the same body you've had during moments you weren't suicidal.

    One thing a therpist once told me when I was contimplating suicide was that I can accept that I feel like doing that right now but not act on it right now. Maybe someday I will but not right now. It helped me a lot because it was validating that someone acknowleged my pain while waiting with me through it.

    Our pain is real and valid and horribly unfair. Accept it and try to do some things to sooth yourself through it. I hot bath, a back rub, lite some candles. Do something to sooth your senses.

    People care about you!

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  4. Oh, and call a support person!!

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  5. Thanks for the comments.

    I saw L today. She does know that I am struggling a lot and feeling very bad about myself and my body etc, but I didn't actually talk about feeling suicidal etc. It seemed a bit pointless really - there is nothing she can do as such, and we have talked about it a lot in the past so I didn't really feel like there was anything to say that I hadn't said before.

    For a while I used to write about how I was feeling etc (basically what I write on here, minus the talking about appts!) and email it to her or give it to her at the beginning of sessions, and she said to me today to try and start doing that again, so I emailed her some of what I have written in the last week or so, including what I wrote here. Not that there is really anything she can do, she can't make the feelings go away, but she finds it helpful to read how I am feeling (I think partly because I express myself better in writing than I do when talking, and partly so she knows how things are between seeing her, rather than just for that hour or so a week).

    I have an appointment to see my GP tomorrow, but I probably won't really talk that much about how I am feeling with her.

    It just all seems so pointless sometimes. Nobody can change how I feel, so what is the point of telling them?

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  6. Bippidee, please tell your GP when you see her. Even though you are thinking it won't make a difference, it's really important that you do. All you can do from your end at the moment is be honest about how things are. The rest is then up to the people working with you They might see that it would be a really good idea to start you on antidepressants.
    Hang in there B, try and remember that everything passes, nothing stays the same and neither will this. Will be thinking about you lovely, keep us updated xxx

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  7. You mentioned that it seems ironic that suicide is called selfish because it causes others to suffer even if it ends our own suffering, yet they don't acknowledge the selfishness of forcing someone to stay alive and endure suffering so that they don't have to go through the pain of loss: I am so with you on that.

    I'm sorry you feel this way. It sucks. I have no good solutions.

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