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Thursday, 25 March 2010
I feel really crap. The suicidal thoughts have got so strong again lately and I am finding it really difficult not to act on them. Although there wouldn’t have been much opportunity this week anyway really. I probably wouldn’t have done anything even if there had been I suppose. I want to. I wish I could. I wish I could so much. I wish I could forget how my parents have reacted when I have tried in the past. It sounds terrible, but sometimes I wish they weren’t here so that I could kill myself without worrying about upsetting people. I do still think they would be better off without me, but I don’t think they would be able to see that. I just feel so terrible, and I can’t think of any reason to be alive at the moment except for other people. And I don’t know how much longer I can live for other people. I don’t remember the last time I wouldn’t have wanted to die. Why would it be more selfish of me to kill myself, than it is other people keeping me alive? I hate myself so much. I feel so disgusting. Repulsive. And so ashamed of myself. Even whilst I am sitting here writing this I feel so aware of how big my thighs are and it is making me so uncomfortable and disgusting that I am crying. I just want to slice bits off them. I feel hideous letting people see me like this. Just thinking about it makes me feel so sick. I hate myself for letting my weight be so important to me. I know that if I was losing weight I would still feel like shit, and I would still feel suicidal, but that on top of everything else is just too much for me. I just want a break so much. I just want a little while of not feeling like this. Of not having to fight with myself all the time. And if I was losing weight at least it would be one thing less to upset me. I would do anything right now. I can’t even express how desperate I feel. I keep thinking about next week and when I could kill myself and how. It is so appealing.
I am a 24 year old female, currently embroiled in the Mental Health minefield. My diagnonsense is Borderline Personality Disorder, and I also have problems with Depression, Anxiety and disordered eating. Bippidee is my nickname for BPD, as stolen from the fantastic mentalnurse.
If you know me in real life, then please respect my wish for anonymity here.
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