Thursday, 25 March 2010
I feel really crap. The suicidal thoughts have got so strong again lately and I am finding it really difficult not to act on them. Although there wouldn’t have been much opportunity this week anyway really. I probably wouldn’t have done anything even if there had been I suppose. I want to. I wish I could. I wish I could so much. I wish I could forget how my parents have reacted when I have tried in the past. It sounds terrible, but sometimes I wish they weren’t here so that I could kill myself without worrying about upsetting people. I do still think they would be better off without me, but I don’t think they would be able to see that. I just feel so terrible, and I can’t think of any reason to be alive at the moment except for other people. And I don’t know how much longer I can live for other people. I don’t remember the last time I wouldn’t have wanted to die. Why would it be more selfish of me to kill myself, than it is other people keeping me alive? I hate myself so much. I feel so disgusting. Repulsive. And so ashamed of myself. Even whilst I am sitting here writing this I feel so aware of how big my thighs are and it is making me so uncomfortable and disgusting that I am crying. I just want to slice bits off them. I feel hideous letting people see me like this. Just thinking about it makes me feel so sick. I hate myself for letting my weight be so important to me. I know that if I was losing weight I would still feel like shit, and I would still feel suicidal, but that on top of everything else is just too much for me. I just want a break so much. I just want a little while of not feeling like this. Of not having to fight with myself all the time. And if I was losing weight at least it would be one thing less to upset me. I would do anything right now. I can’t even express how desperate I feel. I keep thinking about next week and when I could kill myself and how. It is so appealing.