For some reason I felt a bit nervous about seeing L today. There was absolutely no reason why I should feel like this - she has never given me any reason whatsoever not to trust her, or to feel awkward talking to her in anyway - she has always been incredibly supportive whatever I have thrown at her. I think it was just because it had been so long since I had seen her - 3 and a half weeks - and I find gaps like that difficult to deal with. She did actually ring this morning and say that she had had a couple of cancellations, so she had more time and so could do a home visit if I wanted, as she knew I was struggling and finding it hard to get out the house, but I said I would see her at the CMHT as planned, because my Mum has fridays off work and I don't feel comfortable talking when she is in the house. But the fact that she had thought of that and rung and asked me did make me feel less tense about seeing her.
Also I am feeling so self conscious at the moment because of my weight that I am finding anything that involves people very difficult, as it feels like everyone is going to be looking at me and judging me, which again is irrational, but I can't help thinking it. I am constantly so aware of how much bigger I am, that it feels like everyone else must be noticing it too, even people who I walk past in the street and have never met. L said something about people seeing me as slim if they looked at me, and it upset me a bit because I feel like there is absolutely no way that could possibly be true. 20lbs ago, maybe, but not now. I realised last night that bar 1lb I have gained a fifth of my body weight, or rather a fifth of what my body weight was. A friend who knows all of this keeps trying to tell me I look the same, and that I don't look like I have gained anything, and whilst I know she means well in saying this and is trying to make me feel better, it frustrates me. I have gained at least 2 clothes sizes, 20lbs, my BMI has gone up by 3.3. There is clearly absolutely no way I look the same, it is completely impossible - that is a significant ammount of weight gain. I know that she means well, but I would rather she was either honest or didn't say anything - I hate being humoured, even if it is with good intentions.
One of the things to come out of my session with L today is that I am going to keep a dreaded food diary. She mentioned this to me a few weeks ago on the phone, and said she would bring it to my next session, but that was the one that was cancelled because she was off sick, and then she was on leave, so we didn't talk about it any further until today. It is your fairly typical food diary format - columns for time, food eaten, whether it was a meal/snack/binge, any compensatory measures taken, and then the opposite page is for thoughts/feelings about that days intake. I do hate food diaries. I find them really difficult to fill in - from a practical point of view because I tend to forget them, but primarily because I feel like I will be judged on what I write down in them. I have always found that keeping a food diary makes me think a lot more about what I eat - if I am going to eat something it crosses my mind that if I do so I will have to write it down, so I think more about whether I really do want it or not, which at the moment is a good thing, as I am trying to lose weight, but I always wonder if they don't make things worse when people are already restricting. But that is beside the point. For clarification, the reason she has suggested it is not because she is saying I should lose weight, but because she thinks I need more structure in my life, and to feel in control of thing (generally, not just with food), and as food and weight are one of the major things bothering me at the moment she sees that as a good place to start. I was possibly a bit challenging over the food diary, primarily because I am scared that she will look at what I am eating and think that it is no wonder I am gaining weight, and that I deserve to be fat eating like I am. Which again, I know is bollocks - she is the last person who would judge me on what I am eating, but I still feel embarassed every time I write something down. When I was talking about finding it difficult she said that she had never done one and that maybe she should, so in the end we agreed that I would do it if she would as well. I am seeing her on tuesday next week, so it is only a few days until then, so I am really going to try hard to keep up with it. I know that showing it to her will be the hard part, but I am hoping that just the act of writing down everything I eat and knowing that someone will be seeing it will help me to eat less, and at less stupid times (ie the middle of the night).
My sleep is still bad. I don't remember the last time I got to sleep before about 6AM. I am hoping tonight will be an improvement on that, as I was actually awake more of the day - I got up at half 12 (yes, I know that is half way through the day, but it is better than 3), and I had also been awake in the morning because it woke me up when L called and I couldn't get back to sleep for about 45 mins, so I didn't get that much sleep last night, which means I am hoping I will be able to get to sleep earlier tonight. As it is already 3:15AM it is obviously not going to be early, but any improvement would be good.
On that note I think I will go and attempt to sleep. This has been rather long and tedious - well done if you reached the end!
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago