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Tuesday 30 March 2010

I caved...

I went to see L after all. I had an email from her this morning - she didn't try to persuade me to go, but she was very supportive, and although I still wasn't sure about going and felt quite uncomfortable (plus embarassed for having said I wasn't going to go), I did make myself. She was pretty suprised - she hadn't thought I would. We talked a bit about what was behind me not wanting to go, and what to do in the future if I felt like that again etc.

We talked briefly about food etc. She had asked me to start doing the dreaded food diary again, so I did yesterday. I didn't eat that much yesterday - I think a combination of not being hungry because I felt so shit, and intentionally restricting. It resulted in my weight being down 1lb from yesterday, which I was naturally pleased about. I hate that I can be so controlled by my weight though, and that it can have such an enormous impact on me. And I hate that I see restricting as a good thing. L commented on how little I had eaten yesterday, and for a second this little spark of pride shot through me. Which is bad. She wasn't meaning it as a compliment.

I am really hungry now as I haven't eaten yet today, but I don't want to. I desperately want my weight to go down again tomorrow. I know I am just using food as a coping mechanism etc, and it is bad, but if I can get my weight going down it just might make me feel slightly better, and the only way I can do that is by restricting.

Apart from that we mostly just chatted really. When I am feeling so bad I get quite irrational about things, so there isn't much point trying to go into anything too deep. She knows the suicidal thoughts are there etc, but we have talked about them a lot in the past, so there didn't really seem much point in going over it much. As I said yesterday, there is nothing she can do about it anyway.

6 comments:

  1. I'm glad you ended up going to see L after all, despite feeling uncomfortable and embarassed. Well done on that, as it can be hard to do anything really when you're feeling depressed. Even though it was mostly a chat, better than not going at all.

    I can relate regarding the food side of things. You know that restricting and losing weight is unhealthy for both body and mind yet when you do eat less and lose weight because of it, you can't help feeling a sense of accomplishment. That feeling of accomplishment is I think one of the reasons why EDs can be addicting.

    I've never been asked to do a food diary before so I dunno, but I feel like doing a food diary can sometimes do more harm than good. When you're writing down everything you're putting into your mouth and you know that someone else will be reading what you have eaten, it can trigger more restriction of food.

    Take care,

    -Cassie

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  2. Yes, I totally get what you are saying about food diaries. I do tend to eat less when I am keeping one than I would ordinarily. But I have gained so much weight in the last 6 months or so that I don't think that is a bad thing really. I need to lose weight somehow, and as my metabolism is pretty crap, I am likely to have to restict a certain ammount to do that. I know it isn't ideal, but at the moment the suicidal thoughts are overwhelming, and so if losing weight can even ease them a tiny bit then it is worth it.

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  3. Hi
    Well done for going, it shows you are determined, a good thing. I do food diary but because I binge eat. I disgust myself. It is another form of control. Keep going x

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  4. Hi Bip,
    Just been catching up on your posts. I'm really glad that you went to see L today. Sorry things are still crappy. You're doing well even if it doesnt feel like it xx

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  5. Have you got some support over the Easter hols?
    The trade off of mood stabilising meds for weight gain is crap, isn't it. I don't even weigh myself anymore as I don't want to know what my weight is. I know it's alot more than it was last year, as there's an awful lot of clothes in my wardrobe which don't fit anymore and I feel crap about having a roll of belly flab when I've always had a flat muscly stomach.

    I got no answers for you but plenty of empathy and hugs if you want them x

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  6. Thanks for the comments.

    mentalhealthserviceuser - sadly I can't even blame drugs for my weight gain as I came off them all a while back. It was after I stopped one of them, Tryptophan, that I started gaining weight - it had obviously been suppressing my appetite. If it was medication that was causing it at least I would have something to blame, but it is just me and my appetite.

    I am seeing N tomorrow, and then L again next tuesday.

    margerydaw - Thank you. It doesn't feel like I am doing well, but then I don't really know that it ever would, if you know what I mean?

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