Tuesday, 26 January 2010

An update

So I haven't written for a while. I am struggling with depression big time, and just don't have the concentration or motivation to really do anything. Am very behind on most of the blogs I read as I start reading and then realise I have absolutely no idea what is going on. Getting through a whole post is a real mission. Anyway. So yeah, very strong suicidal thoughts. Very overwhelming. I can't remember if I mentioned it or not, but my dad was at home last week as he had an operation so couldn't work, and knowing someone was here all of the time stopped me from acting on the thoughts. But they are getting more and more intense and I am feeling like it is only a matter of time. I saw N today, but I didn't talk about the suicidal thoughts with her, I just said that things were bad, as I was concerned that if she knew just how strong the thoughts are then she would have to go back at tell someone at the CMHT, and the only one of them that I trust is L, who is still off (but will be back next week). And last time I told N just how bad things are and that it had got to the planning stage etc was back in the summer, and resulted in my ex care co-ordinator insisting on me going to A&E to be assessed by the duty psych - the alternative was a MHA assessment apparently. And I really didn't want a repeat of that so I kept quiet.

I am a bit ill as well. I felt like crap yesterday emotionally, and found that I was feeling quite weak, but that often happens when I feel crap, so I didn't think much of it. Despite it being the last thing I felt like doing I went to ballet, as when I had weighed in the morning I promised myself that if I was X or under I would go, and if I was over X I wouldn't, and I was X, which meant that I absolutely HAD to go. My mind works in strange ways. Anyway, felt bad when I was there, ended up having to sit out some of class, and felt ill all the way home, ate my dinner, and was then sick. So I think I have some type of bug. Unfortunately I found it quite triggering eating wise. It kind of reminded me that I can eat and then be sick and have a nice, empty stomach again. So today I was still feeling sick, so ate some bland food that I didn't think would make me feel worse, and then purged. I hadn't intended to, but I just got a flashback of me being sick last night and I couldn't resist. It is a long time since I have done that, and a very long time since I have done it at home (the last few times have been when eating out) and now it just seems so tempting again. Not good.

But it is the suicidal thoughts that are the big problem at the moment. I am trying really hard, but I just don't want to live, I don't want to be here, and my head is just screaming at me to kill myself. Feels like when rather than if.


  1. I have a pretty good idea how you are feeling as I have been there myself. Remember that the CMHT are there to help, so even if you do have problems with some of them you must not always wait until the right person is there. I find that the best thing that I can do when I am feeling like that is to sleep as much as I can, even if it is only an hour or two snatched here and there, to make sure that I eat little meals that I really fancy and that don't require too much input from me, and to have lots of hobbies/reading/studying to do even if I know that I will only be able to concentrate on any one thing for a short length of time. Eventually the depression will pass and things will be manageable again. But most important of all, take care of yourself.

  2. Can part of you plan be that you do not act until you've spoken to L? And then keep hanging in there until she's back, Monday I presume. Because if she were here you'd talk to her right?

  3. ...I feel like it's only a matter of time...

    We're singing from the same sheet here. I feel like I'm teetering on the edge of a crevice, so I completely hear you. As far as advice goes, the only thing that I can suggest is that you do tell N - she may not share the information with the CMHT, but if she does, they are meant to act in your rational best interests. But I know it's not exactly as simple as that, and as ever I'm a complete hypocrite as I know I won't go to C in the morning and admit the strength of my own suicidal ideation.

    I just hope you can keep hanging in there. I totally understand the compulsion to die, but can I be selfish here and say you'd be missed..?

    You know where I am if getting stuff off your chest would help.

    Take care hun xxx

  4. Thank you for the comments peeps.

    Madsadgirl, thank you for your suggestions. I am definitely with you on the sleeping as much as possible thing. I slept an awful lot today. I woke up actually very early for me, but I only stayed awake for a couple of hours and then I slept again for most of the day. I just hope that it doesn't stop me from sleeping tonight. Usually I do similar to you and have several things on the go at once and switch between them as I lose concentration, but at the moment I don't even seem to be able to concentrate to that extent unfortunately.

    Lost - I would talk to her yes. But to be honest it still wouldn't change anything. Yes, she could calm me down short term and reassure me etc, but it wouldn't help me say in the middle of the night when I was feeling desperate or something you know?

    SI - I know you are struggling big time too, so thank you for commenting, it is hard when your motivation is shot to bother with other people, so I appreciate it. N isn't actually there again now until monday, by which time L will be back - N is only a part timer. But if she knew how bad things were I think she would have to tell one of the professionals at the CMHT, because she is only a support worker - she can't make those kind of calls on her own, and I know from experience that all they would tell me to do is go to A&E (which L and I both feel is an entirely futile exercise - we have discussed it before!), or to wait until L gets back, which doesn't really help much in the here and now. I hope you get on ok with C tomorrow. Be as honest as you can (speaketh the hypocrite!). I know it is scary, but to be honest the chances of you being put in hospital are pretty low (they don't bother about admitting Borderlines, I assume because they expect us to kill ourselves at some point anyway), and the chances of you being sectioned are even lower, so if you think it would help to talk about how you feel then go for it.


  5. I know what you mean. How about, if it's the ,middle of the night and your feeling unable to cope, come on here, there's bound to be someone online. It might not stop you, or even help, it was just atiny little thought from my tiny little messed up brain. Because I am often awake at all the wrong hours and up in the night, and would allways offer to help anyone and be there for them. But, I can see it from your point of view too. Huggles for you B. XxXx