Strength vs. Weakness

People assume that if you are having lots of suicidal thoughts and not acting on them then you are strong. For me, still being here isn't strength, it is weakness. It is because I am too weak to kill myself. Pathetic. I know what I want. I know what is the right thing to do. And I haven't done it. That makes me weak. And I hate myself for it. I am not scared of dying. I suppose there is some stupid fucking survival instinct. And I am scared of it going wrong. I don't want to be left paralysed or with brain damage, but that isn't what is stopping me. I don't know what it. It is ridiculous. I know I will kill myself at some point. I just need to make sure I get it right.