I am a horrible and useless fuckwit. I left the poor dog in the kitchen on his own for the entire 7 and a half hours my mum was at work without even going to say hello to him, because I felt too shit to get out of bed. Poor dog. He deserves better than me. And then when I finally did go downstairs at about half 8 this evening he was absolutely delighted to see me and was licking my and cuddling me and snuggling up to me and I felt so guilty for bloody abandoning him all day. Poor little pig. Animals are great the way they love you unconditionally though. Even though I had abandoned him all day, and this evening he had 2 other people he could have been making a fuss of he made a beeline for me straight away. I am a horrible person, I don't deserve to be liked.
Today has not gone well. I didn't get to sleep until about 6:45am, and then I slept quite badly. I woke up at 12 and was feeling really terrible so called the CMHT a bit later to speak to L but they said she isn't well and won't be back until monday. They asked if I wanted to speak to someone else, but it was hard enough to phone anyway with this whole not trusting people thing that I have going on at the moment so I said no. I then slept again most of the day because I didn't trust myself to be awake.
My sister called and asked me to look after her baby whilst she took my older nephew to his swimming lesson but I lied and said I wasn't well and didn't want to make the baby ill so I had better not. I am a crap aunt.
My mum got home and decided that chocolate was clearly the answer to everything (not eating, low mood etc etc) and would make me feel better so brought me some up which I said I didn't want but ended up eating anyway because I am a fat greedy pig. Although I have since had a carrot, some crisps and a slice of toast that she presented me with, she seems to have it in her head that I need more, and has offered me a Twix, some fruit and nut chocolate, a rocky bar, and everything else we have in the house that contains chocolate. Can you tell that she likes chocolate? I had a bit of a cry earlier and she was asking me what L would say if I could speak to her, so that she could say it instead bless her. But naturally I couldn't think of anything. I just feel so desperate, it is horrible.
I also realised this evening that I am a complete and utter fuckwit. I set this blog up anonymously, made an anonymous email address to go with it, and then have been commenting on everyone's blog using my non anonymous email address. Stupid moron. So much for bloody anonymity. I do wonder how I can be so stupid. I still want to move to WordPress, but the fact that I can't have the same username is just making it all too complicated for my small brain to handle. If I have a new username nobody will know who I am when I comment on their blog. And I will have to make another anonymous email address. I should have bloody researched properly first instead of just diving in. I am so stupid. I haven't always been stupid, but it is like brain cells have been streaming out of my ears these last 6 years. I won't even have enough left to know how to kill myself unless I do it soon.
Just to even things out with some positivity, my weight was down 1lb. And to even the positivity out with some negativity, the 1lb will probably be back on tomorrow after all the chocolate I have had today.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
2 weeks ago