Today has not been a good day. I woke up for my physio feeling shit and tired so I rang and cancelled and went back to sleep for a couple of hours, until my mum threw a shoe at my window to wake me up, as she had been out and managed to lock herself out. Nice one! My dad pointed out tonight that a shoe was possibly not the most sensible thing to have thrown, since it could have broken the glass and all, but that thought didn't seem to have occurred to my mother. She is a bit of a ditz to be honest. Actually she is a complete ditz, but in a very sweet way.
So then I did a bit of wall staring, and watched Neighbours, and was feeling more and more shit, so decided to call L for a chat, but as I said earlier, she had gone home ill, so I couldn't talk to her, and that made me feel even more shit. I decided going back to sleep was the only safe option, so I went back to sleep for a couple of hours, but set my alarm to wake me up before my mum got home from work because she shouts at me when I nap in the day, because my sleep routine is so horrendous and I get the 'you're not helping yourself, I think you must want to be awake all night, sometimes I think you don't want to get better' speech, which makes me want to scream and shout and hit things. But yes, so I have probably fucked up my sleep for tonight now. Nicely done.
Feel like I am dangerously close to the edge. The suicidal thoughts are getting more and more overwhelming, and I am seeing less and less point in trying to resist them. I am also doing this ridiculous thing that I sometimes do when I am feeling very low, when I focus all my attention onto my weight, and that determines whether I should kill myself or not. So if I get on the scales in the morning and have gained weight then that is a sign that I should kill myself that day. If I have stayed exactly the same (and my scales weigh to .2 of a pound) or lost then I am not supposed to kill myself that day. Everyone think that is a good plan? Excellent.
I have an appointment with N tomorrow, and another bloody ballet class. Feel like cancelling both to be honest. I just can't be arsed with seeing N. I don't want to go and sit in Costa and chat about stupid Christmas and things. And at the moment I don't trust her enough to talk to her properly. I used to trust her, when I only had my shit care coordinator then seeing N was good because she was the only person I could talk to, but now I have L to talk to about proper things, and N cancelled an appointment before Christmas, and made my appointment for last week at the same time as my appointment for L was, so I couldn't go to that, so I haven't seen her for ages and I don't want to talk to her. I don't want to leave the house, I want to stay here. People are starting to scare me again (this happened in the summer - I got absolutely terrified of people and thought they were all going to hurt me, so wouldn't leave the house, and when I absolutely had to, for example when my mum took me to the out of hours GP and A&E I took my teddy bear with me as I felt that he could protect me. The out of hours GP asked me what his name was. I am unsure if she thought I was 4, or stupid.) and I just want to stay in my house where I am safe. Except I am not because all the tempting suicidey things are here. So I am not safe anywhere. That scares me. I have no safe place.
'i'm not right now at all
there i go again
pretending that i'll fall
don't call the doctors
cause they've seen it all before
they'll say just let her crash and burn she'll learn
the attention just encourages her'
Girl Anachronism, The Dresden Dolls
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago