I hate it.
I don't want it to be my diagnosis. I don't want professionals to look at my notes and think oh great, another bloody Borderline. I don't want to be thought of as a manipulative, attention seeking, pain in the arse. I don't want to have the diagnosis that all the professionals hate. If it was going to help me access specialist treatment, like a theraputic community, or DBT, then fair enough. But it isn't. The treatment I get is the same I would get without the BPD diagnosis, except with the added bonus of my psychiatrist telling me how lucky I am that they are providing me with treatment, as they generally turn down all PD referrals. Which I am assuming means that as soon as it isn't convenient for them to treat me I will be discharged. Perhaps I am being overly cynical here, but I have seen the difference in treatment I received from the Crisis Team before and after they knew I had a PD diagnosis. Before, I was getting daily visits, and although I generally scorn the crisis team, it was actually helping. Or it was at least stopping things from deteriorating. Then they found out I had a PD diagnosis and I never received another visit from them. It is all very well the NICE guidelines stating 'People with borderline personality disorder should not be excluded from any health or social care service because of their diagnosis', but this isn't the reality. People *are* refused treatment because of their diagnosis. I am lucky - I have L, who is possibly even more anti BPD diagnosis/stigma than I am. But if she were to leave I have no doubt that I would just be dropped. I want my diagnosis to be Depression again. There are no advantages for me in having a BPD diagnosis, and many disadvantages.
But also, I don't want to 'be' Borderline.
I don't want constant suicidal thoughts
I want to be able to have 'normal' relationships with people
I don't want to form ridiculously strong attachments to people who can't genuinely care about me in return
I don't want the crazy changes in mood
I don't want to get so angry over such minor things
I don't want that horrible empty feeling all of the time
I don't want to make impulsive decisions that lead to me being disappointed in myself
There are so many other things, too many to even go into. Some are more related to my Depression or Eating Disorder or Anxiety, but really it all links in. I don't know where one issue stops and another starts.
I don't want to be Borderline.
I don't want to be me.
Will I make it through?
1 week ago