Ramblings

I ache. I have had a cough (might actually be a chest infection, it is all rather rattly and gunky) for several days and I have achyness across my ribs. Very tender. And crampy calf muscles from ballet. And we didn't even do any pointe work so they have no excuse. On the plus side, 4 weeks with no exercise whatsoever and I can still sit in the splits on both legs. It bloody hurt though.

Another terrible night last night. Got to sleep at 6:45 this morning. Slept for 5 or 6 hours, and then had to get up to go and see L. That went ok. It was definitely better knowing I had an hour and a half. For some reason I found myself getting a bit upset, and I don't even know what about. I just can't accept that someone can not consider me to be useless and pointless and a waste of space (I believe I termed it a waste of oxygen in my appointment...because there is clearly a shortage of that?!). We talked a bit about how useless I am at looking after myself. Well, I don't do it in essence. I will occasionally grab something to eat, but it tends to be something junky with no proper nutritional value, like crisps or chocolate or babybels or something. Something that takes no effort or preparation. But most of the time I don't bother, and I will only eat when my mum persuades me to. Same with hygeine and routine. Unless I have to go out the house (and I only go out of the house for appointments or dance classes) I don't get dressed. I rarely leave my bed. I only shower when nagged sufficiently. And my sleep pattern would be even more chaotic if I wasn't woken up etc sometimes. I don't know what I would do if I lived by myself - I am very reliant on my mum. I suspect I would just spend the entire time in bed, only getting up to go to the toilet, or occasionally to grab a snack or diet coke. Would probably be a good weight loss regime. I am not always as bad as this. When I am feeling a bit better I do shower and bother a bit more about my appearance, and make more effort to leave the house etc, but at the moment I just have no motivation at all. It just all seems pointless, so I don't do it. I am really quite down at the moment. I am isolating myself quite a lot from people - ignoring phone calls, not logging into MSN and talking on there like I usually do, often not replying to texts. Crap friend.

Have been exhausted all day. Although I did have one of my hyper half hours earlier, in the middle of my ballet class which was interesting. I was finding it all terribly funny, and kind of talking to myself quietly (you can get away with that in a dance class because if people see your mouth moving they assume you are counting the music or something!) and grinning inanely. Not entirely sure what people thought, hopefully they didn't notice. I was rather bouncy though.

I am hoping I am going to be able to sleep tonight. I am exhausted and I feel shit and I have had enough of the day to be honest. I have to get up in the morning as I have a physio appointment (I have slightly dodgy hips - that is what comes of having hyperextended joints), but then I have nothing the rest of the day thank goodness. Being out for a few hours today has really taken it out of me. I had to leave to see L at 1:15, and then I got back home at 4:15, and had to go out again at 5, and then got back at 7:30. That is a busy day for me. I fell asleep on the sofa this evening, which annoyed me as I was trying to watch the television. But fingers crossed for sleep now.