Saturday, 14 August 2010

Too tired to think of a title

Had a fairly quiet day today. I slept all morning, and a bit of the afternoon. Got up and weighed myself. Had lost a little bit, but only enough to put me back at my starting weight for the week (last Sunday's weight). Had a little freak out that I go on holiday in exactly a week, and am 3 and a half pounds above the weight I said was my maximum weight. Also realised that I have absolutely nothing whatsoever that I can wear on the beach. I mean I have swim stuff for if I am brave enough to actually get in the freezing cold sea, but I have nothing I can wear on the beach. The only summer clothes I have that fit are a couple of pairs of linen trousers, which are long, and so would get totally ruined, the 2 new maxi dresses, to which the same obviously applies, a long skirt, same problem again, and 2 shorter dresses that are not suitable for messing around on the beach in, as they would get ruined. I was trying to think what I usually wear, and I think it is usually short skirts or little dresses or something, and I don't have anything like that that fits. And last year I had a couple of pairs of shorts, which is unusual for me, as I never usually wear shorts as I think they are very unflattering, but I did have a couple of pairs last year, as I could get away with them then because I was smaller. Even if it is hot (unlikely, but I am trying to think positively!) and other people are just in swimming costumes/bikinis I am screwed, because I have to have something covering my thighs really as I have quite obvious self harm scars on my inner thighs, so the only time I ever have swimwear on and nothing else is when I am actually getting in or out of the water. So that is a slight problem. I should have looked for some shorts or something yesterday, but I just feel too hideous in anything that shows my thighs as they are so big.

I went to T's house this evening. We watched the DVD of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, as I had somehow missed it when it was in the cinema and he had it. I am feeling a bit confused about it all again really. I am still only interested in him as a friend, but I do feel like maybe he wants more. He is busy most evenings, but the ones he has free he always seems to want to do something - this week his only free nights were Monday and tonight, and I have seen him both days. I don't know if I am leading him on by seeing quite a lot of him - I am not meaning to, but will he interpret me seeing a lot of him as me being interested in a relationship with him? Maybe he is only interested in friendship too and I am being presumptuous. I don't know. I am crap. There is also a small issue in that he doesn't know anything about my mental health problems etc. I haven't felt a need to mention it, as I don't think it is relevant, but my mum has said several times that she thinks I should tell him, although I am not quite sure why. I am just a bit confused about everything. I often feel like there is a manual called How To Do Life that everyone apart from me has read.

I have had a really itchy foot all week. I got lots of bites when I was doing the Shakespeare, and the one that looked nastiest was on my left foot. It didn't hurt or anything, and it has calmed down a lot now as it was 2 weeks ago that I got it, but the area all around it has been getting more and more itchy, and I noticed a couple of days ago that there is a red rash all around it, and it is really very itchy. I have tried putting Anthisan on it, but that seemed to make the rash worse, and I have tried Witch Doctor, but that doesn't seem to have any affect. It is quite irritating really, as I just constantly want to scratch my foot.

Nice quiet day tomorrow - I have absolutely no plans. I think a pyjama day is called for. I am very tired now. Sleep time I think.


  1. Have you tried plain old calamine lotion for your foot and maybe an antihistamine tablet? It might help a bit.

    Sorry to hear you're stressing about your upcoming holiday hun. Could you maybe buy a sarong so you can wear a swimming costume but have your legs covered? They are designed for the beach anyway. And those leggings which go just below the knee seem to be pretty trendy at the moment, I'm trying to think of clothes to keep cool in but that keep the bits you don't like covered up. There are lots of lovely long floaty tops about at the moment which look really nice with those 3/4 length leggings for messing about on the beach.

    I wish I had the manual on how to do life as well, I think the people who have it are keeping it one big secret!

    Also I was going to say re: T and whether to tell him about your MH problems, personally I have found it's hit or miss with people. If people tend to have quite an understanding and caring personality then it usually is a good reaction from them and I wonder why I hadn't said anything beforehand. I guess it's a question of whether you feel that he needs to know. Would you find it helpful for him to know and perhaps be supportive of you? Basically do you think there are pros or cons of him knowing? Sometimes we just have to weigh things up I guess.

    Anyway enough rambling from me, sending hugs and take care x

  2. I always have trouble telling when someone is interested in me (and in what way) as well. It's so tricky! Of course, I don't know T in real life and I've never seen you interact with him, but at the very least he seems to want to be your good friend. Do you think he's the kind of person that would be understanding about the mental health stuff? I think things will just feel right/wrong and that's how to decide. It's really a tough one.

    Wishing you well,

  3. a restful day sounds just right - and a whole weekend is even better ! take care