Had a fairly quiet day today. I slept all morning, and a bit of the afternoon. Got up and weighed myself. Had lost a little bit, but only enough to put me back at my starting weight for the week (last Sunday's weight). Had a little freak out that I go on holiday in exactly a week, and am 3 and a half pounds above the weight I said was my maximum weight. Also realised that I have absolutely nothing whatsoever that I can wear on the beach. I mean I have swim stuff for if I am brave enough to actually get in the freezing cold sea, but I have nothing I can wear on the beach. The only summer clothes I have that fit are a couple of pairs of linen trousers, which are long, and so would get totally ruined, the 2 new maxi dresses, to which the same obviously applies, a long skirt, same problem again, and 2 shorter dresses that are not suitable for messing around on the beach in, as they would get ruined. I was trying to think what I usually wear, and I think it is usually short skirts or little dresses or something, and I don't have anything like that that fits. And last year I had a couple of pairs of shorts, which is unusual for me, as I never usually wear shorts as I think they are very unflattering, but I did have a couple of pairs last year, as I could get away with them then because I was smaller. Even if it is hot (unlikely, but I am trying to think positively!) and other people are just in swimming costumes/bikinis I am screwed, because I have to have something covering my thighs really as I have quite obvious self harm scars on my inner thighs, so the only time I ever have swimwear on and nothing else is when I am actually getting in or out of the water. So that is a slight problem. I should have looked for some shorts or something yesterday, but I just feel too hideous in anything that shows my thighs as they are so big.
I went to T's house this evening. We watched the DVD of Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, as I had somehow missed it when it was in the cinema and he had it. I am feeling a bit confused about it all again really. I am still only interested in him as a friend, but I do feel like maybe he wants more. He is busy most evenings, but the ones he has free he always seems to want to do something - this week his only free nights were Monday and tonight, and I have seen him both days. I don't know if I am leading him on by seeing quite a lot of him - I am not meaning to, but will he interpret me seeing a lot of him as me being interested in a relationship with him? Maybe he is only interested in friendship too and I am being presumptuous. I don't know. I am crap. There is also a small issue in that he doesn't know anything about my mental health problems etc. I haven't felt a need to mention it, as I don't think it is relevant, but my mum has said several times that she thinks I should tell him, although I am not quite sure why. I am just a bit confused about everything. I often feel like there is a manual called How To Do Life that everyone apart from me has read.
I have had a really itchy foot all week. I got lots of bites when I was doing the Shakespeare, and the one that looked nastiest was on my left foot. It didn't hurt or anything, and it has calmed down a lot now as it was 2 weeks ago that I got it, but the area all around it has been getting more and more itchy, and I noticed a couple of days ago that there is a red rash all around it, and it is really very itchy. I have tried putting Anthisan on it, but that seemed to make the rash worse, and I have tried Witch Doctor, but that doesn't seem to have any affect. It is quite irritating really, as I just constantly want to scratch my foot.
Nice quiet day tomorrow - I have absolutely no plans. I think a pyjama day is called for. I am very tired now. Sleep time I think.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago