Not had a great afternoon. I got irritated earlier, because my mum knew I had an appointment with L in the morning, and said she would be around to take me there as I have no other way of getting there, and then I found out earlier that she had forgotten all about it and said she would go to my brother's, and apparently couldn't change that. She said couldn't I just not see L this week, and that really pissed me off quite a lot - I find it really hard when I have to miss appointments because she is away or has to deal with an emergency or something - I am not going to bloody cancel just because my mum has said she will go to my brother's. So she has asked my sister if she can pick me up, and then I will just have to hang around in town until my mum gets home.
I also ended up purging. I really wanted to get back to restricting (bad idea I know, but I am so desperate to lose weight) so I hadn't eaten anything, and then late afternoon I ended up having some crisps, and then felt guilty about it so decided to purge, and thought that if I was going to purge I may as well eat a bit more first, so also had a biscuit and some chocolate. And then I had dinner tonight. Am dreading weighing myself tomorrow - I am terrified the numbers will have gone up. My friend had put up some pictures on Facebook from when she was over, and I just look so enormous in all of them, and my face looks so fat, and it just made me feel even worse than I already did. I really wish I didn't care so much about my weight. I wish the numbers on a scale didn't have so much power over me. I wish I could just be one of those people who eats what they fancy (within reason) and doesn't worry too much about their weight. I wish I didn't feel the need to weigh myself multiple times a day. I wish I could look in a mirror without feeling physically sick. I just want to be thin so much. I know I will never love my body, but I just want to feel vaguely comfortable in it, rather than repulsed by it.
Hallucinations and the Mental Health Act
5 days ago