Not had a great afternoon. I got irritated earlier, because my mum knew I had an appointment with L in the morning, and said she would be around to take me there as I have no other way of getting there, and then I found out earlier that she had forgotten all about it and said she would go to my brother's, and apparently couldn't change that. She said couldn't I just not see L this week, and that really pissed me off quite a lot - I find it really hard when I have to miss appointments because she is away or has to deal with an emergency or something - I am not going to bloody cancel just because my mum has said she will go to my brother's. So she has asked my sister if she can pick me up, and then I will just have to hang around in town until my mum gets home.
I also ended up purging. I really wanted to get back to restricting (bad idea I know, but I am so desperate to lose weight) so I hadn't eaten anything, and then late afternoon I ended up having some crisps, and then felt guilty about it so decided to purge, and thought that if I was going to purge I may as well eat a bit more first, so also had a biscuit and some chocolate. And then I had dinner tonight. Am dreading weighing myself tomorrow - I am terrified the numbers will have gone up. My friend had put up some pictures on Facebook from when she was over, and I just look so enormous in all of them, and my face looks so fat, and it just made me feel even worse than I already did. I really wish I didn't care so much about my weight. I wish the numbers on a scale didn't have so much power over me. I wish I could just be one of those people who eats what they fancy (within reason) and doesn't worry too much about their weight. I wish I didn't feel the need to weigh myself multiple times a day. I wish I could look in a mirror without feeling physically sick. I just want to be thin so much. I know I will never love my body, but I just want to feel vaguely comfortable in it, rather than repulsed by it.
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My Mum's the same and it really is frustrating that they just don't get how much we need that help. I wouldn't be happy either if my mother suggested I didn't go to an appointment because she had to visit a sibling. It's annoying not having your own transport, I don't have my driver's license either. It's good though that at least you have found a way to get there, I think it is important you see L seeing as she's the main person who's treating you right now.
ReplyDeleteAh, I feel the same about my weight. I remember you saying that your BMI is normal, and so is mine, but it's hard when it feels like normal just isn't good enough.
Take care,
Cassie x
It sounds like your mum doesn't understand how important your appointments with L are. Ugh, I feel like no matter how hard they try parents are always somewhat clueless. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteAnd the second paragraph could have come straight out of my mouth. I refuse to be in pictures because they always make me cry because I feel like I look fat/ugly in them. And I also wish I could be one of those people who eat what they want and not worry about my weight. Instead I follow a strict meal plan that I'm afraid to stray from and weigh myself daily to make sure my weight hasn't gone up. Just know you are not alone.
Wishing you well,
NOS
Thank you both for the comments. It is definitely particularly frustrating that my mum suggested I cancel my appointment because she is seeing one of my siblings. My mum does loads for me, and I know that I am not really a lower priority for her by any means, but when I am feeling crap it feels like that.
ReplyDeleteIt is crap that there are so many of us who feel so horrible about our bodies isn't it? I have just been looking at the photos again, and they are so hideous. That is the first time anyone has taken a photo of me since Christmas, and I made sure those ones never saw the light of day... If I could just get my BMI to low healthy (say 18.5 - 19) I could cope with it, but I really can't deal with it in the 20s. I know logically it isn't fat, but I look enormous.