I am down in Cornwall. The car journey wasn't too awful - we left at 5:15am, and my parents had started on the sweets by 7am, but I didn't have any then, and then I think at about 8 I managed to get to sleep for a couple of hours. I had some sweets after that, but not tonnes and tonnes. Then we got here and had a sandwich, and then an ice cream in the afternoon, and then we went out for dinner. I just had a main course, no dessert. Unfortunately I had still gained a pound and a half this morning from when I last weighed on Thursday. I suppose it was pretty predictable really, but it is still hard to deal with. I am trying to be good with food, like not having a dessert last night, and I didn't have a cake after lunch today when my mum offered me one, but short of eating like I usually do, and just having 1 meal a day most of the time, I suppose weight gain is pretty inevitable. We aren't eating out tonight I don't think, so I guess that is good, but I am just scared that I am going to gain every day. I wish I had more will power and didn't give in to things like ice creams, but it is hard, especially when other people are having them. I am more active than I usually am, but not enough to burn off the extra calories. So I am finding it hard.
The weather isn't great - I've not braved the sea yet, although my dad is right this minute. Maybe tomorrow.... There is supposed to be some sun tomorrow, so maybe then. I do have a wetsuit, and there have been lots of people in the sea. I just went outside and there were loads of children/teenagers jumping into the sea off the jetty – all in wetsuits, except for one particularly brave girl in a bikini! The sea is the same temperature whatever the weather, so it doesn't really make any difference when you are in the water - it is getting out when you feel it! Unfortunately I also had another ice cream when I went outside. That is the problem with staying in a cottage virtually next door to the ice cream place....
I have managed to get some internet access by sitting in the garden and getting on an unsecured network, but there is nothing in the house, and no phone reception, so I do feel quite isolated. So much of communication is caught up in technology now - either phone or internet, and when it is difficult to use either then it is quite hard to adjust to. You get so dependent on your mobile phone, and texting etc, and when you suddenly can't use it then it feels quite strange actually. If I was feeling better then I wouldn’t mind, but I do find it hard not having anyone to talk to when I am not feeling too good.
I have been very tired since I got down here. I would like to blame it on the lack of sleep I got before travelling – I only had about 2 hours since we had to leave so early, but then I did have another hour or two in car, and then I was still exhausted, so I had another couple of hours in the afternoon yesterday after we got here. I then went to bed about 10 last night, which is absolutely unheard of for me – I don’t even remember the last time I went to sleep before midnight, so 10 is just crazy, and then I slept for nearly 12 hours, but I was still so tired by about 2 this afternoon that I ended up going to bed again – I had about half an hour’s sleep and I am feeling a little more awake now, but I don’t really know why I am so exhausted.
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
1 week ago