I am not feeling good today. I don't know why. I just feel kind of flat and low and a bit shit. I didn't sleep that well last night. I kept thinking of things that bother me and upset me, and just woke up this morning feeling really flat. I tried to go back to sleep, but that wasn't happening, and now I am not really sure what to do with myself. There are things I really need to do, like wash my hair, which is currently pretty disgusting, but I just can't be bothered. And then I weighed myself and I was nearly a pound heavier than yesterday, which made me feel even worse. And I don't even know why. And I took a couple of laxatives last night, but they've not done anything, and that is frustrating me.
I didn't used to understand laxatives. Why people took them. They don't make you lose weight, so what is the point, and why take so many? I am kind of starting to see it. If I haven't been to the toilet for a couple of days, which is fairly frequently, particularly if I am restricting, then I start thinking about how that will affect my weight. So a few months back I bought some laxatives. I had no intention of abusing them - I just thought I would take one when I wanted to go to the toilet. The packet said one or two, so I thought one would be enough as I didn't usually use them. And it was, and it was all fine. And then one stopped working so I started taking two. Now two don't seem to be working, and I am kind of pissed off. Pissed off because I don't want to end up like some people I know who take 20 at a time, because 2 stopped working, and then 4 stopping working etc. And pissed off because I don't know why they aren't working when I don't even take them very often. I don't want to have to take loads of laxatives, but if 2 don't work then what am I supposed to do? I can see how easy it would be to just keep taking more and more, and every day, to feel empty. Feeling empty is great. But I know that isn't a good idea. I have never wanted to go down that route, and I still don't. I just want to be able to take a couple when I want to go to the toilet, and for them to work. That doesn't seem unreasonable.
Will I make it through?
1 week ago