Feeling a little better today, although still a bit woozy. I am delighted to report that (thanks to nasty sick bug) I only gained 1.2lbs whilst away, which is considerably less than I was expecting. And considerably less than it would have been without nasty sick bug, as I was already over 2.5lbs heavier than that with another full day of eating to go when that struck, so nasty sick bug has saved me at least 3lbs. So thanks for that. I am not quite at the stage of being grateful for it, but I suspect that will come in a few days when I forget how nasty it was, and just thank everything that the numbers aren't higher. I want to get back into losing now. I want my goal to be 2lbs a week again, but I am considering lowering it slightly to make it more achievable every week, as before some weeks I lost more than that, but other weeks it was less - maybe if my goal was 1.5lbs a week then I would be able to meet it more regularly. Although my scales only measure in .2s of a pound, so it would either need to be 1.4 or 1.6 actually. But that doesn't sound enough. The show I am doing next is on in 7 weeks, so I will have a target of losing 10lbs before that, which would work out at about 1.4lbs a week, but I will hope for more than that. I think I will still aim for 2lbs a week, but as long as it averages out at 1.4lbs a week or more, then that will be ok.
That would also get me back to a weight that I am comfortable at, or relatively speaking. It wouldn't be my ideal weight, and there would still be bits I would hate, but I would fit into all of my clothes fine, and not feel completely hideous about myself. Even in 4 or 5lbs I think I will start to feel better, as most of my clothes should fit me then, and in 3lbs my BMI will be back in the 19s, which I think will help psychologically, even if it doesn't look any different. Just a couple of weeks hopefully. I need my weight to start going in the right direction fast, because I am feeling quite vulnerable mood wise - I haven't crashed, but I feel like I am on the edge, and it could happen very easily. It probably will even if I do lose weight, because when I feel like things are starting to slip, like I do at the moment, then they usually do, but I can sometimes at least delay it, or stop it getting quite as bad, if other things (generally my weight) are going well. I hope. I am scared of my mood doing a full on dive again. I desperately don't want it to happen, but I don't know how to stop it. It is always worse than I remember it being, or than I could possibly imagine it to be, and I don't want it to happen again. I hate feeling like this - like I am constantly walking a tightrope, and if I take one wrong step I will fall. And if I fall I will go plummeting down further than I can even see or imagine.
Hallucinations and the Mental Health Act
5 days ago