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Tuesday, 17 August 2010

Eating

I am feeling vaguely smug - I managed not to eat anything until dinner at 7, and then I didn't eat anything after either. Feeling quite pleased with myself as it is pretty rare that I don't eat before or after dinner - usually it is at least one side, if not both. I had better have lost weight tomorrow, or I will be furious. I am fairly confident I will have but you never know. I weighed myself at midnight, in my pyjamas, and I weighed the same then as I did naked yesterday morning, and although my weight was lower today than yesterday, I am hoping that means it will have gone down again tomorrow. It has 10 hours to lose 1lb (including pyjama weight) to make me slightly lower than today, although obviously I would like to be lower than that. It should be ok, yes? I really hope so. I always want to bang my head against the wall when I have gained weight, and it is quite a hard wall, as I have learnt from previous experience. I shouldn't be so pleased with myself for not eating, but I just can't help it. If I could do that every day then I would. Losing weight means more to me than anything else I can think of at the moment.
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3 comments:

  1. Cassie17 August 2010 at 11:58

    I can relate to feeling pleased when you manage to not eat. I had the same feeling today when I only had diet coke, half a pear and one cookie before dinner. Please be careful with the restriction though. And for what it's worth, you ARE worth more than a number.

    Take care,
    Cassie x

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  2. Anonymous17 August 2010 at 16:10

    I don't know whether or not this is a helpful thing to write as I have been there and done my time with bulimia and restricting, but it worries me how you are so young and the witholding food to one meal a day leads to so many problems when you are older because of the damage you do to your body's metabolism. I'm sure you know all this and I understand only too well how things like that don't matter just the number on the scales, but I am now approaching 45 yrs old and 20 stone, having spent most of my 20's fighting to remain at a bmi of 16. Please talk to a dietician, I would hate anyone else to end up locked in a body like mine.

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  3. Bippidee17 August 2010 at 20:02

    Thanks Cassie. I always feel slightly guilty for being pleased about it, but the pleased thoughts overwhelm the guilty.

    Thank you for your reply Anonymous. I know it leads to problems, and my metabolism is already completely messed up, as I have had disordered eating for about 7 years now. I have never had a very low BMI like yours was, but it is a constant battle with my weight, and a lot of weight yoyoing goes on within a couple of stone. I know why my eating is bad, I know what I want from it (control, when everything else feels so out of control), but knowing that doesn't seem to help. I am a singer, and I try to purge as little as possible because of damaging my voice, but even that isn't enough to stop me if I am really desperate. It is a hideous cycle to get into, and I wish I had never started messing around with my weight, but now I just gain if I eat a 'normal' diet, and I can't cope with that, particularly because I just don't know when it would stop - I don't know how much I would have to gain for my metabolism to sort itself out, but I gained a lot of weight late last year/early this year - about 25lbs, and was still gaining until I started to restrict. I feel pretty trapped by it now, and I do wish I had never started restricting or purging, but now I don't know how to stop. And it is partly a coping mechanism for my Depression, so I find that when I eat more healthily I self destruct in other ways, like self harming or taking small overdoses (not suicide attempts, or enough to go to hospital for - just enough to know that I am hurting myself), and that isn't much better. I am hoping that one day things will get better for me Depression wise, and then I will be able to tackle the eating, but as the eating has always been the coping mechanism and reaction to the Depression, rather than the main problem, I don't think anything will change eating wise as long as my mood is still so bad. Thank you very much for your reply, and sharing your story. x

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