This is too hard. I don’t know what to do. I am already at the weight that I had set as my maximum weight for going on holiday and it is only Sunday. I have gained 2lbs since Thursday. I am here until Friday – whatever size will I be by then? I really don’t know how to deal with it. I knew I would gain weight, but I thought I could just keep it to a couple of pounds. But it is already a couple of pounds, and I have only been here for two days. I miss being in my bedroom on my own and not having to eat anything until the evening. I hate being surrounded by food like this – knowing that in the next room there is a massive bag full of sweets, and biscuits, and chocolate. Knowing that if I popped next door I could get an ice cream, or walk up the road two minutes and get a cake. Knowing that I will be expected to go and eat out at least another few times. There are definite advantages to living in the middle of nowhere, not surrounded by shops selling nice things to eat. To staying in my room where there is no food, and keeping away from the kitchen which is full of food. To sleeping all morning, so that by the time I wake up it is already lunch time, and then I can just skip lunch and wait until dinner. I can’t do that here. For a start my bedroom leads off the kitchen. I can’t even get out of the house without going through the kitchen. And then if I do make it out the house then there are ice creams and cakes and clotted cream. I am terrified of how much weight I am going to gain whilst I am here. So far I have been trying really hard to avoid foods that will make me gain loads of weight. I said no to cakes, and I didn’t have dessert when we ate out. I have had ice creams, but that is all. My mum bought me a sausage roll for my lunch today, but I haven’t eaten it. And I have still gained 2lbs. What will happen on the days when I can’t resist dessert, or we go out for scones with clotted cream, or my mum buys cakes? How much weight will I gain then? I hate that my weight can have so much impact on my life. That I care so much about my weight that I can’t eat what I want when I am on holiday, and that gaining 2lbs has set my mood plummeting. I feel so hopeless.
I went in the sea earlier, snorkelling. It was bloody cold. Well, it was ok when I was in, but getting in was painful. Saw some fishes and sand eels and a crab, but nothing too exciting. Well, one of the fishes was very big and ugly, but I didn’t get to see him for long because he hid back under the seaweed. And a little tiny bright blue fish who was darting around on the surface of the water in the shallows, and looked like he belonged somewhere tropical, rather than the freezing cold Cornish water.
It is meant to rain really heavily this afternoon and overnight. Still only seen little glimpses of the sun. It would be nice to have some warm, sunny weather, but it doesn’t look like that is going to happen.