I felt a bit better again today, but I didn't go to dance this morning, because I thought suddenly getting up and jumping around might make me feel a bit ill, and I didn't want to go 20 miles there are back and not feel up to dancing, so I went back to sleep instead. I had an appointment with L at half 1, which was good. She is referring me to the team Psychologist for an assessment - possibly just to look at what direction we should be working in etc, or possibly to see the Psychologist for a while - I suspect it would be for CAT, which is usually 16 sessions, as I think they more or less just do that and CBT, and L knows my views on CBT. I wish I could have DBT, as I would really like to try it, but nowhere in my area does it, and they don't offer long term psychotherapy either.
I had rehearsal tonight for Carousel. It was a dance rehearsal - I was learning the opening section for the very long dance section in it. My shins are hurting a bit, as the floors there are hideous - they are just concrete. I tweaked the choreography a little (quite a lot...) as the choreographer didn't seem to mind. There was a bit of a horrible suprise at rehearsal in that I had to be measured for my costume, which I wasn't expecting, and would have seriously freaked out about had I known in advance. The trouble is, the show isn't until October, and I have absolutely no intention of being this size by then, but I couldn't really tell them to measure me and then subtract 2 inches from all the measurements as I plan to be that much smaller by then?! Although hopefully it won't matter too much, as it is my bottom half I really need to lose weight from, and I will be in a dress, so the bust and waist measurements should really be the only relevant ones, and although they are bigger than I want them to be, it is my hips and thighs that are the real issue, and the problem when it comes to buying clothing etc. My bust doesn't change too much really - at the moment I am a 32C, and when I was at my smallest I was a 32B, so that isn't a big issue. My waist is 2 inches bigger than it was when I was at my smallest, but I don't have too much of an issue with my top half really, or at least as small an issue as I can have with any part of my body (except my feet - I like my feet!). I need to lose 3 inches off my hips, and 2 inches off each thigh though. When I lose weight it always comes off my waist first, thighs last. Which is unfortunate as my thighs are my most hated body part. I am thinking quite seriously about getting liposuction on them.
I have said I will go to London to meet up with a friend tomorrow. I haven't seen her for about a year, so it will be lovely to see her, but I am quite anxious about it. I haven't been to London for quite a few months - I used to go all the time, and then I started getting more and more anxious about it, and I also started having real issues with planning things in advance, so both this time and the last time I went to London I just arranged it the day before. I had a little freak out about it tonight, but apparently I do that every time I go to London according to my mum. She says that I spend the whole car journey to the station saying how anxious I am and asking if I will be ok, which I didn't know I did, but apparently so. So she has told me I will be fine. Which I will. And it will be really good to see G because I love G. She is really good fun. Pretty crazy, but not in a mental health way - she is one of relatively few friends I have who don't have any MH problems, but she is fairly eccentric in a lot of ways. So we are going to meet up, and try and get tickets for the matinee of Sweet Charity, and then go out for a meal after. A meal is obviously something of an issue at the moment, but meals are good opportunities to sit and chat, and I couldn't really spend the whole day in London without eating. I am kind of hoping I get the opportunity to purge it - I wish I wasn't thinking like that, and I really need to try not to, because I have a singing lesson Thursday and an audition Sunday, and purging always hurts my throat, which is sore anyway from being ill, but I am scared about how much weight I will gain if I don't. Food is so damn scary. I shouldn't plan to go out for a meal and purge it - that is not what people do. People go out for meals and enjoy them. How hard I find it will probably depend quite a lot on what my weight is like in the morning. If I have gained then I will find it really hard to eat without purging, as gaining 2 days running would be awful, but if I have lost then I might be ok. I am trying to focus on the positives of seeing my friend, and going to the theatre, and not thinking about the negatives of scary eating and food and weight and getting the train to London and all that sort of thing. I will be ok. Diazepam is my friend....
Will I make it through?
1 week ago