I had gained a pound and a half this morning, so feel pretty shitty about myself. And then had to go off and do a ballet class, although my concession to the weight gain was to wear black footless tights instead of hideous ballet pink tights! Black is so much more forgiving, I wish I was allowed to wear black in my normal ballet lessons, but my regular teacher is pretty strict on uniform so I can only wear black at open classes. The lesson was ok. During term time we always do syllabus ballet, and that gets pretty monotonous, so it is nice to do some unset work.
I went to my singing lesson afterwards. I wasn't sure whether I should go or not - I am still pretty croaky, and I didn't want to make it worse by singing. I texted my teacher earlier and said my throat had been hurting and was still husky, and would I damage voice by singing or would it be ok, and she offered to see me tomorrow or Saturday instead, but I couldn't get there then, so I decided I would try it today, and she said if I needed to stop then she would just charge for however much time we had used. It went ok actually. It didn't sound too croaky, and it didn't hurt, so that was good. My middle range was a bit crappy when I was warming up, so I sung lower songs that I could sing completely in chest voice, and was fairly comfortable with that, although I have a lot of nasty mucus still. From a performance point of view this lesson was actually a lot better than the last couple. I have this audition on Sunday, so I am hoping it goes well. I am not expecting to get in - it is going to be very competitive, because it is quite a big thing, and they have already cut down the numbers enormously as everyone had to send in an audition song on CD, so I feel quite lucky to have even got to the live audition stage. It would be amazing to get in - it would definitely be the biggest thing I have ever done, but I am not getting my hopes up - I will just do my best at the audition, and that is all I can do.
I went shopping after my singing lesson. I have decided that dresses are the way forward, since my top half isn't too enormous, and so even if I do lose weight they should still fit, and they also mean that my hideous thighs don't show. I bought 2 maxi dresses, although one of them is so long that it is going to need taking up a little. I am still refusing to buy trousers etc. My mum wanted me to buy some 'pretty' tops. She is getting fed up of me wearing head to toe black apparently. I didn't buy any. I like black. I used to like pretty colours and patterns etc for clothes, but I just don't feel like wearing colours much lately. Sometimes it is ok, and I have a couple of coloured things that I am comfortable in, but I suppose generally I just feel safer in black. I hate clothes shopping. Looking at myself in the mirrors in the changing rooms just made me feel sick - I look so disgusting. I am angry with myself for eating so much yesterday that I gained weight. I am angry with my body for not being able to eat more without gaining weight. I am just desperately hoping I can get my weight back down tomorrow, but I won't be able to get off the pound and a half that I gained in 1 day. Why is gaining so much easier than losing?!
Hallucinations and the Mental Health Act
5 days ago