I am feeling unreasonably upset and stressed. I went to the dance class this morning, so I had some cereal before I went. It was about 3 when we got home, and I had a slice of bread and peanut butter then. I was feeling really quite guilty by then, as usually I don't eat anything until after about 6 or 7, and so it was quite hard to know that I had already eaten that much food 3 hours before I would usually have eaten anything. We never usually have dinner before about 7, and it is often later than that. I was hoping it would be late tonight, as if dinner is late then I will be less likely to eat afterwards. Typically, tonight dinner was ready at 6. I genuinely don't remember the last time that dinner was ready at 6. It is absolutely ridiculous, but it made me cry. I can't cope with eating at this time - I am not even hungry yet because it is only a few hours since I ate. And if I eat now, then by 9 or 10 I will want something else to eat, whereas if I didn't have dinner until 7 or 8, then I probably would be able to not eat anything else today. I feel in such a mess. It is ridiculous that such a minor thing can upset me so much, but it really has. I don't know what to do. I have left it for about half an hour now, so I guess it will already be cold, so I may as well leave it another hour, but knowing it is downstairs and ready is making me hungry even though I know I am not actually hungry.
My eating/weight is getting to be pretty overwhelming. It is always difficult, but it seems particularly bad at the moment. I am so completely desperate, and obsessed with losing weight, which is nothing new, but it just seems to be getting worse. I am weighing myself multiple times a day, and the numbers completely control how I feel. I have got into weighing food lately, which is something I have never really done before. Having to eat because of going to dance freaked me out, even though I knew the class would burn some calories. My mum is getting increasingly pissed off with me about it all. I have been getting increasingly pissed off with her, because she keeps saying 'Why don't you ever wear X now?' 'Why don't you wear Y today?' and the answer is the same every bloody time - it is because they don't frigging fit, and I am constantly telling her that I don't have clothes that fit, and yet she continues to ask why I don't wear certain things. She knows what the answer is going to be, and it just upsets me. I don't know what to do about it all. I need to lose weight, but I need to get less obsessive too, but I think that is probably a contradiction of terms. And losing weight feels more important than getting less obsessive.
I feel like such a mess at the moment. The last few days I just seem to have been constantly on the verge of tears. I have been having strong suicidal thoughts, and I think that is why my eating problems have become so overwhelming at the moment. It is the only thing that ever grips my attention to the extent where it can distract me from the suicidal thoughts a bit.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago