Thursday, 12 August 2010

London Day

I made it to London. Just. I very nearly cancelled. By last night I was getting quite stressed about it, even though it was only about 2 hours after I had arranged it, and I woke up this morning and just didn't want to go. I was pretty stressed. I decided to use my usual decision making technique - weigh myself, and if it had gone down then I would go, or at least get ready to so I could decide later, and if it had gone up I wasn't leaving the house. It had gone down, so I went off to shower etc. Getting out of the house was a bit of a nightmare - I was supposed to leave at quarter past 11, but it ended up being 12 when I left. Those 45 minutes were spent getting increasingly frustrated and upset at not being able to find anything to wear that I felt comfortable in. Everything I put on I just felt enormous in, and so kept changing, and then had a bit of a cry because I felt so horrible about myself. I finally ended up in the second outfit I had tried on, which was very boring - black linen trousers and a black top, but I decided I would rather look boring than wear something I would feel even more enormous in. But yes, that made me pretty late. And then in the car on the way to the station I really did not want to go - I was basically just having one long panic attack, and I desperately wished I had cancelled. I had a Diazepam, and in the end I texted G to see if she had already left or not, because if she hadn't I was just going to turn around and go home. I said that I was on my way to the station, but had a nightmare getting out the house due to clothes, and was very anxious so might be pretty crap company. She replied saying that if I didn't feel up to it then she would completely understand, and that she was on her way and would love to see me, but that if I felt crap I wouldn't enjoy it, and to let her know what I wanted to do. The Diazepam had started to kick in by that point, and her text made me feel a bit better too, so I decided I would go.

I met up with her at Leicester Square, and she had already been to TKTS and bought our tickets for the show, so we headed pretty much straight off to that, although we did pop into a shop so that G could buy some sweets to take into the theatre! The show was excellent. We had wanted to go this week, as Tamsin Outhwaite, who is playing Charity, was on holiday this week, and we both wanted to see her understudy rather than her ideally. It was a really good production - Tiffany Graves, who was playing Charity, was absolutely perfect for the part, she was really great. The cast overall was really strong actually - there wasn't much to criticise. Fantastic choreography - was interesting to see Sweet Charity without Fosse choreography, although I absolutely love Fosse and did miss it a little at times. But it was just a very good production. It was quite funny because during the first Act I kept thinking how brilliant Josefina Gabrielle's body was, and how jealous I was of it, and the first thing G said to me in the interval was 'How good is Josefina Gabrielle's body?!'

After the show we popped into a couple of shops - there was a CD I wanted to buy, and some black footless tights for dance, and then we headed off for dinner. We were going to Pizza Express, which was hard in terms of high calorie food, but then there isn't really a lot that I could eat out and feel comfortable with. I wasn't feeling too dreadful after my main course, but then we had dessert and that was just too much, and I couldn't cope with it, and I did purge. I really wasn't intending to, but when I had eaten it I just couldn't deal with the feeling and the taste etc. I suspect G knew that I did, or at least suspected, but she didn't say anything thank goodness. I do love G - she is great. I am glad I went in the end, despite how stressed and anxious I was this morning. I couldn't have done it without Diazepam, but I guess that is what it is for.

I am worried about what my weight will be in the morning. I know it will have gone up, but I am just really scared as to how much by. Tomorrow will be difficult too, as I have a dance class in the morning, so I am back to the 2/3 meals a day thing, which is hard. Which just leaves Friday and Saturday to try and lose, so there is absolutely no way I will get my 2lbs this week. Thinking about that makes me wish I hadn't gone to London today, as if I had stayed home I wouldn't have eaten nearly as much, and I would have lost weight tomorrow rather than gained, and at the moment that seems more important than anything else. Bit worried about my throat. It has still been hurting, and I have a singing lesson tomorrow, and I couldn't afford to cancel it as I have this audition on Sunday, so I need to sort out what I am singing. Purging won't have helped that, but it is the sore throat from this cold that is a bigger problem - I am still very husky, and it is still sore. I will just have to take it easy tomorrow I suppose. I really hope I haven't gained too much. I am scared.

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad G was understanding and didn't make you uncomfortable. But I'm sorry you're feeling so down about your body and weight. I know it's hard. Just don't forget to take care of yourself.

    Wishing you well,