Tuesday, 17 August 2010
I am furious with myself. I was doing well today. I woke up, got ready for dance, took a banana to eat on the way there, danced, dashed into the shops for an hour to buy some cardigans and sandals, came home, changed quickly as I was still in dance gear, went off for my appointment with L, and by the time I left there it was 5pm, and I had danced for an hour and a quarter and still only had a banana - so far so good. Then I had to go to my sister's because she was running me home, and there was a box of little inch square caramel shortbread things that she offered me. I thought one would be ok, as I had danced etc, so I ate one. And it was so good that I had another one. And then another one. And another one. 4 in total. Hundreds and hundreds of calories. For nothing. Just pure greed. I feel completely disgusted with myself. That is why it is not safe being out of my house. In my bedroom there is no food and it is fine. Downstairs is more dangerous, as the kitchen is always tempting, but other people's houses are even worse. And then I got home at about 7 and had to have dinner as my mum had cooked pasta. I am feeling really hideous about myself now. I had lost weight today, and until half 5 I was feeling good about today, and then I just fucked up the whole day because of my stupid bloody greed. I am getting more and more stressed about going away. I will eat far more than I have been every day, and I will pile on loads of weight. I am feeling really quite scared about it. I just can't deal with it. I am already absolutely determined to take the scales with me, which my mum will be angry about, but that will at least be some reassurance for me, and if I am gaining weight then maybe I will be able to force myself to cut down before it gets too out of control. If I came home and had gained 5lbs or something, which wouldn't be difficult as I gain weight very easily, I would just completely freak out, more than I could cope with. Actually I think I would probably try to kill myself. That sounds ridiculous and extreme, but losing weight is the only thing that is keeping me going really, and if I gain back everything I have lost then I don't know what I could do. I am already feeling out of control and I am not even going for another couple of days. I wish I wasn't going. Staying home feels so much safer right now. I am getting really anxious just thinking about it all. I just want to stay here.