How do people come up with titles every bloody day?!

So the little laxatives ended up doing their job after all, just not until last night, which was later than I expected. It would seem that yesterday's weight gain was largely down to them failing to do their job earlier, as I just weighed and I am back at the weight I was on Saturday again (actually I am 0.2lbs lower, but who's counting...... me) So that is good. I guess. I am feeling really flat again today. Yesterday was a bit hard. I didn't know what to do with myself and I couldn't really concentrate on anything, so I just kept flitting from one thing to another, not really doing anything. Read a chapter of book, spend 5 minutes on Facebook, wander around aimlessly, go back to the book, not really remember what was happening in it, sit staring into space, put the television on, largely ignore it, turn it off, etc etc. I couldn't get interested in anything or stick with anything. Not a good sign. Last week I was sitting and reading for hours and getting through a book in a day, as well as doing other things. Now I just keep getting confused and restless. I hate that my concentration, and therefore my ability to read, is always one of the first things to affect me if I am starting to feel a bit worse. I am feeling like today will probably be another day like that.

I really, really need to wash my hair today. It is disgusting. Hygeine is another thing that goes. I (generally) still make sure I am clean and not too gross if I am going anywhere, but when I am just going to be at home I can't be bothered, so I don't. But I must go and have a shower and wash my hair because I have a Carousel rehearsal tonight, which means leaving the house and seeing people, and they would all run away screaming if they saw (smelt?) me like this. Not actually wanting to go to rehearsal, which is unfortunate as I have 3 this week. On the plus side, I was looking through the schedule, and I only seem to be called at 12 rehearsals before the show, so by the end of this week that will be a quarter of them out the way. Huzzah! Originally I was going to be in the ensemble for Act 1, as my character is only on for the second half of Act 2, but I pulled out of that (there were all these rehearsals I couldn't be bothered to go to, and so I blamed my voice problems as they still existed at the time) and so everyone else has been rehearsing 3 times a week for the last 2 months, but not me. I feel like I should want to be doing more, and look forward to rehearsals, but at the moment they just feel like a necessary evil. I am a little bit worried also because my part is a dance part to a large extent - there is a 10 minute ballet scene, and the first few minutes are solo me, then there are a couple of minutes of ensemble stuff, and then the last half is a pas de deux between me and another guy. Which is fine, but I am worried he won't be able to lift me - I am too heavy for anyone to have to try and lift. And we will be learning that for the first time tonight, and I just feel really embarrassed because I am going to be too heavy and he won't be able to lift me and I will ruin the whole thing.

I am tired. I don't seem to be sleeping very well. I was going to get up and get straight in the shower, but the motivation to do that has disappeared. Actually, it was probably never really there or I wouldn't have sat down to write this. Later. I will do Important Things now. Like check Facebook. Maybe go back to sleep. Sleep would be good. Shower later.