So it appears that yesterday was the calm before the storm in terms of weight. In the 24 hours between weighing yesterday and today I had gained over a pound, which brings my total weight gain since I have been away up to a little over 3lbs. I was really quite upset about this, naturally. If I had gained 3lbs in half a week, and I carry on at that rate, then that will mean I gain about 6lbs whilst away for one week, which is obviously absolutely shit. Why is it that I can gain this fast, and yet I failed to even lose 2lbs a week?? It seems colossally unfair, and I don’t know what to do. You would have thought that after gaining so much weight today I would have eased up on the food a bit today, but that didn’t really happen either. I had lunch, and then an ice cream, and then we went out for a meal tonight, and I had dessert. I did come home and immediately purge the dessert, which isn’t brilliant, but I don’t actually care if it has saved me from gaining some weight. I already know that my weight tomorrow is going to be disastrous again though – I weighed a minute ago, and if I weigh at night wearing these pyjamas, then I am usually about 2lbs heavier than I am the following morning, and if that is right then I will have gained another pound tomorrow. I am feeling so shit about myself. I have already undone the weight loss from the last couple of weeks, and if I keep going like this then I am going to end up back at the weight I was back in mid July, or even earlier. I feel pathetic, but just thinking about it is making me feel really suicidal. I feel disgustingly greedy and repulsive for letting this happen. I thought if I brought my scales away with me then it might help me to control things a little, but it just isn’t working – unless I do my usual thing of restricting to one meal a day then I will gain weight, and that is absolutely impossible for me when I am away with my parents like this. I really do not know what to do – I am feeling so upset and tense and desperate about it all.
The weather hasn’t been too bad today. Not warm, but we have at least seen the sun, which is something of a novelty. I have managed to get a little bit sunburnt on my face this week, which isn’t really surprising given that I rarely bother to put on any sun cream, and I am incredibly pale. I am currently sporting a fairly red nose, which isn’t too attractive. I went in the sea again earlier this evening. I jumped and dived off the jetty a few times, and then just swum across to the beach. I wasn’t going to, as it wasn’t that hot, but I was about to get in the shower and wash my hair anyway before going out, and since we are literally about 20 metres from the sea I thought I may as well have a swim first. It was bloody cold of course, and I managed to swallow a fair bit of sea water when jumping in, which made me feel a little ill. I kept thinking that surely being in the cold water, and swimming, would have to burn some calories. It won’t be enough though. It never is. The forecast for tomorrow is rain all day, so I won’t do anything remotely active then, but I doubt I will manage to eat much less, so I will be piling on the pounds. Thursday looks like being fairly similar to today weather wise – dry, and some sun, but only about 17 degrees, and reasonably windy. The weather has been pretty disappointing really. I always hope for lovely weather when I come to Cornwall, and it so rarely materialises. I might go snorkelling again on Thursday if the weather does what it is supposed to. At least then I am doing something active, even if it is freezing cold. And then home on Friday, which I have quite mixed feelings about. I am scared that when I get home the weight gain will really hit, and I just won’t be able to cope and will end up a suicidal mess. And I really do love this place, and would like to stay longer – maybe until some good weather arrives. But on the other hand, it will be good to get back to my safe space, and be able to have more control over food, and hopefully my weight, and not be so cut off from people who would usually support me – it is stupidly hard not being able to use my mobile phone, and only having internet access sporadically. But I am quite scared about going home and how I will cope with having gained so much weight when I am back in my normal environment. Badly I suspect...
Hallucinations and the Mental Health Act
5 days ago