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Thursday 25 November 2010

Can't cope

I feel like I need to write but I don't know what really. I am struggling a lot. It is everything I can do not to OD tonight. The thoughts are so strong. I think it isn't being helped by the fact I am due to see L tomorrow. Ordinarily that would help me - knowing I was seeing her would make me feel more able to get through, but right now it is the opposite of that. I am angry with myself for still being alive, when there is actually no part of me at all that wants to be. And I am angry with her for being right because I am still fucking here, and therefore technically I have 'coped', however hideous it has been. I suppose that is one of the reasons the thoughts are so strong tonight. I am still alive despite saying I couldn't cope and that I wanted to kill myself, and I hate myself for that. I know others will see it as a strength, but I see it as an enormous weakness. I am angry with myself for reacting as strongly as I have to this situation. And I feel so fucking hurt and abandoned and rejected by her not contacting me at all in the last week despite knowing how terrible I was feeling, and me actually asking for help, which is something I so rarely do. And so I am angry about that too. I could be dead for all she knows. I just feel so upset and angry about everything, and I still feel so terrible and so suicidal, and my head is just screaming at me to overdose tonight - it is a good day for it, or feels it. I don't know how to quieten it down. Or if I want to.

I am not seeing L tomorrow regardless. I am debating whether it would be better to email her tonight, saying that I don't want to see her and that I want to be discharged, or whether I should call the receptionist in the morning and ask her to tell L. Either way I am not saying any more than that. I haven't had an explanation of why she hasn't contacted me for over a week, so I don't feel like I need to give any explanations either. Email would be the obvious choice, but there is always a risk she won't check her emails. I really wish it wasn't a home visit. I so rarely have home visits - why this week?! If I was due to go there I could just not turn up, which would be much simpler. But with a home visit I don't have that option. I can't face seeing her though, and right now I don't feel like I want to see anyone mental health related ever again. I find it so difficult to trust people. I let so few people get close, because I am scared of ending up hurt. And I trusted her so completely. More than anyone else I have ever known I think. I have said things to her I would never have even considered saying to anyone else. And now I have been hurt. And I don't feel like I will ever be able to trust anyone again. Or ask for help again. And I am finding it so difficult not having her there when I need to talk to someone. I know that technically I could have called, but I couldn't. I don't think I have ever felt as alone as I have this last week. My head has been so overwhelming, and I have had absolutely nowhere to turn to. And I just can't cope. I need some form of release, but I can't see anything helping right now. I feel totally helpless.

5 comments:

  1. *hugs*

    I am so sorry.

    Perhaps, rather than asking to be discharged, you might want to think about asking for a new CPN.

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  2. I have seen so many CPNs/Social Workers over the years, and of all of them she has been the best by so far. And so if this has happened with her, then there is no point trying anyone else. And I doubt I would be able to anyway. I had to fight really bloody hard for a whole year to get to see her, and I was told before I was assigned her that if it didn't work out I would be discharged. So it is her or nobody. Nobody and nothing seems to be winning right now.

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  3. I dont understand why she hasn't contacted you...it is a letdown and I think you need to know WHY she didn't, before you give it all up.
    It's important to know why, whether it ends up making things better or not, it can't really make things any worse.
    Hugs to you xxoo

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  4. I agree with jennifer. Find out why she has choosen not to contact you. Maybe it's a pretty reasonable explanation. (or maybe she just coped out?) Whatever the reason you should hear it. Don't be so rash in being discharged. I did that. And then when it came to trying to get some help socially/financially from the government you have to get forms filled out by this Doctor and since I voluntarily left they wouldn't fill out the forms just saying I was unwilling to help myself and therefore all help was denied. Sometimes you just have to play their game or it bites you in the ass somewhere else. Besides I think you need a connection with someone right now. Try and work it out. Tell her how upset you are and maybe it can be worked out.
    Anyway,.... (( hugs )) wished I could help in someway

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  5. People will let us down, they are human as are we.Unfortunately cpns are human too. You have been feeling suicidal for months, has L reacted differently this time? If so I agree it would be good to know why. I don't think being discharged or asking for discharge would help now really would it?

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