Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Appointments today

So I had 2 appointments today. First with N, and then one with Dr E and L. When N arrived we stayed here for a little while and then went to the town. We were planning to go into Costa but I didn't want to be around people so we just sat in the car.

Then I had my appointment with Dr E and L. Again, I can only remember bits of it - I was kind of drifting in and out. They asked what the hardest thing was at the moment, and I said the suicidal thoughts and how I couldn't get a break from them because of not having the concentration to do anything, and so I couldn't distract myself. Dr E asked some questions that I can't really remember, I just know I couldn't answer. Things about seeing L, and what was helping and what I was learning etc. She also asked why things are so bad at the moment, and what was causing it. I said I didn't know. She asked if it was because N is leaving. I said no. L mentioned that a while back I jokingly said that I was cursed because everyone that I see ends up going off sick long term, or leaving. Dr E really latched onto this and said I was feeling like this because of N leaving. I said I really didn't think it was. She said it was and that I was feeling rejected and abandoned. I didn't have the energy to argue so I just didn't say anything more about it. For the record I really do not think it has anything to do with N leaving. If L was leaving then absolutely, I would be a mess, but although I like N I do not feel attached to her, and whilst it is a shame she is leaving I am not upset about it.

They asked what would be helpful. L asked if it would help if she called me every day. I was very honest and said that I was feeling so suicidal that I really couldn't imagine not killing myself and that I couldn't even make myself think about tomorrow or next week as in my mind they don't exist. L said she would ring tomorrow. Dr E told me I needed to distract myself, which made me wonder if she had heard anything I had said earlier on in the appointment. She told me to go for a walk, which made me laugh hysterically for no real reason, which turned into crying. She kept saying that they understood how hard it was, and that they were there to support me, which whilst well meaning, came across as rather patronising given that I haven't seen her since January, and therefore she isn't really a source of support for me. L saying that would be fine, as she actually does support me, but it just seemed a bit trite coming from someone I haven't seen for 3 months. She also gave me the usual speech about what a talented, intelligent girl I am, and what a shame it was to see me like this. I never find that a helpful comment, and it baffles me when people who have never seen me perform say that I am talented. I said that I was completely exhausted and I just need to make everything stop.

There was no mention of medication, so I am assuming that L had already spoken to Dr E about that before I saw them and that Dr E had vetoed that idea. So overall it was much as I had expected really. I was particularly useless and bad at speaking, and whilst what I have written here is the jist of what I said, it was rather more confused and muttered with the odd staring into space and having to be brought back to earth to continue what I was saying etc. But at least I have been completely honest about my suicidal intent, so nobody can say I should have told someone how I was feeling or anything, as I clearly have done so.


  1. I know I've already said it to you but well done on being honest about how low you have been feeling. Don't be too hard on yourself for struggling to say everything you wanted too, or for not having the strength to argue back about it having nothing to do with N leaving. There have been a lot of times where I haven't had the energy to express myself properly either.

    It is a good thing that L is going to make phone contact with you on a regular basis as this at least gives you both the support and an outlet to tell someone that you trust how you honestly feel.

    I find it pretty hard to be completely honest with my psychiatrist as well because I feel as though I barely know him when I only see him every couple of months for an hour. Perhaps it might help to take some bits from your blog if you feel as though you can express yourself better when it's written down.

    I know it is so difficult for you to see past today at the moment, but you did the right thing today. I hope L will do as she said and have daily contact with you during this really horrible time for you and help shine some light at the end of the tunnel for you.

    Sending hugs ((()))

  2. Hi Bippidee,

    I agree with mycrazybipolarlife about it being good that you felt able to say how you really feel. It's also encouraging that you are getting to your appointments (I'm assuming you go to them, not them to you).

    On the other hand, I'm sorry you feel so bad. It's completely draining to feel suicidal all the time. I hope you feel some relief from those feelings soon x

  3. I know I'm no doctor, but I'm surprised they don't want to put you on medication? Meds can certainly help with the suicidal thoughts. I've been having them a lot lately and since they up'd my dosage of mood stabilizer they have decreased a little bit. Maybe that's something to mention to L tomorrow when she calls? She might be able to talk to the doctor again and see what the doctor thinks about it. At any rate, I'm sorry you don't feel well. I hope that you get some relief soon.

  4. You did so, so, so well regardless of how you think things went lovely, I'm just sorry you didn't get any real extra support (apart from L's phonecalls) and didn't feell listened too. It took a long time to battle with my psychiatrist and I still think she's so up there and detched from the reality of mental illness that she finds it difficult to see me as a human being. Pretty sure these doctors are alien. They obviously don't know how bloody awful (and serious) it is to feel suicidal.

    They need to take action. Do something. Add something. Change something. Maybe you can bring this up when L calls?

    Keep going okay lovely. Text me anytime if you ever want a chat xx

  5. Thanks for the replies. I am really grateful that L is so supportive, but given how bad things are at the moment it just doesn't feel enough. To be honest I didn't really tell them how I was feeling in the expectation of getting any help - I just thought that now when I try and kill myself nobody can say that I should have told someone or asked for help etc.

    Louise, my support worker meets me at home and she took my to my appointment with Dr E. Tomorrow L is coming to see me at home though.

    Looking for Sunshine - I agree the meds thing is a bit weird. She is clearly very anti giving me them though. Like I said the other day, I don't really care too much about it, as they wouldn't do anything short term, and I can't imagine being here long term.

    Em - thank you. I know what you mean about psychs. Mine is nice, but she does come out with some patronising bollocks. I don't really know what to ask L for. Dr E is clearly not wanting to give any meds, and I am not sure what else they can do. I am open to suggestions!


  6. Hey,
    I think I can comment with this new net :)
    Thinking of you x

  7. Just to echo the others really. Regardless of what you think admitting the extent of the suicidal ideation was a brave thing to do. I'm just sorry that, although the intentions are probably honourable, that Dr E really failed to understand how difficult things are and how disfuckingtration techniques don't damn well work. Pile of bollocks.

    I'm glad you have L, but I wish there was more there to help you hun :( Thinking of you, for what it's worth. Take care as best you can. xxx