I don't know what to do with myself. I can't concentrate on anything, I can't distract myself. L is off this week. I don't trust anyone else. I am due to see N tomorrow, but I know that if I am honest with her about how I am feeling I will end up being sent to A&E to be assessed. She is just a support worker so would have to speak to one of the other CPNs or SWs and I know what the result of that would be.
I had a weird dream last night. It was today and N was coming, and my mum had gone away (as she has) and N arrived but I was still asleep, and I looked out the window and saw her car, so I tried to go down to the door but I got lost and there was loads of stuff blocking my way, and I couldn't find the door, and then I saw her driving off. I kept trying to get hold of her but I couldn't. The night before last I dreamt I was in hospital, and for some reason I was supposed to be on a meal plan, but I thought it was too much food, so I wanted to speak to the dietican, but then they just kept forgetting to give me any food at all, so I just kept quiet. I don't know why I am having these random dreams. I am not sleeping too well. Lots of dreams about suicide with all different endings. Sometimes I die, and sometimes I end up in a psych ward, and sometimes medical ward. In reality I don't know what will happen.
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u around 4 a chat? If so, u know where I am.x
ReplyDeleteI have weird dreams a lot. Sometimes I can't remember if they really happened or if I imagined them. Please try and be honest tomorrow, I know it's hard but help doesn't always equal hospital. Trust me, despite everything I've never been hospitalised (while conscious).
ReplyDeleteI know. And it isn't actually that I am scared of being hospitalised - I don't think they will. L is quite anti it, and it is on my care plan to avoid it wherever possible etc (I have been admitted a couple of times in the past, but several years ago). But I have been forced to go to A&E to be assessed quite a few times - that was my old CCOs favourite thing to do if I mentioned the word suicide (and threatening me with MHA assessment if I refused to go), and with L off this week I can imagine that happening, and sitting in A&E for hours waiting for the crisis team to come and tell me to try and distract myself and have a bath or something patronising like that. The only person I trust is L and she isn't there, and so I am scared of being honest with them. But right now I am finding it hard to imagine getting through the next couple of days.
ReplyDeleteDreams can be weird sometimes...I've had dreams related to my mental health issues too.
ReplyDeleteIf you're finding it hard to get through, maybe it is worth being honest with N? Though if it just results on you having to wait at the A&E to speak to a crisis team that doesn't really help, that doesn't sound ideal either...
Though it's hard to get through each day when things are tough, could you hold on until L comes back next week and speak to her then? But if you do find things continue to be desperate, please be honest with N.
Take care,
-Cassie