I don't know what to do with myself. I can't concentrate on anything, I can't distract myself. L is off this week. I don't trust anyone else. I am due to see N tomorrow, but I know that if I am honest with her about how I am feeling I will end up being sent to A&E to be assessed. She is just a support worker so would have to speak to one of the other CPNs or SWs and I know what the result of that would be.
I had a weird dream last night. It was today and N was coming, and my mum had gone away (as she has) and N arrived but I was still asleep, and I looked out the window and saw her car, so I tried to go down to the door but I got lost and there was loads of stuff blocking my way, and I couldn't find the door, and then I saw her driving off. I kept trying to get hold of her but I couldn't. The night before last I dreamt I was in hospital, and for some reason I was supposed to be on a meal plan, but I thought it was too much food, so I wanted to speak to the dietican, but then they just kept forgetting to give me any food at all, so I just kept quiet. I don't know why I am having these random dreams. I am not sleeping too well. Lots of dreams about suicide with all different endings. Sometimes I die, and sometimes I end up in a psych ward, and sometimes medical ward. In reality I don't know what will happen.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago