Hmm, update on the week. It has ended up so long that I have split it into 2 posts. The week so far is in this post, and today's appointment with L is in the second post.
I suppose the good news is it is passing. The week that is. The even better news is that tomorrow is thursday, and after thursday there are 2 whole days where I don't have to leave the house. That probably shouldn't please me as much as it does. I am used to leaving the house maybe 3 times a week. I am having to do a lot more than that at the moment, and I think it is maybe one of the reasons why I am so exhausted all the time. Along with the terrible sleeping of course. And the constant mind whirring. And the stress of having to make a decision about something 3 months in the future.
Anyway, so far it has all happened according to plan, even if I have felt like utter shit the entire time. Monday I made us late enough that we only had time to drop in to see my niece for 20 minutes before I had to go to my ballet class. Yeah, I am a shit aunt for not wanting to spend more time with my niece, but I was exhausted and I didn't want to leave the house. I said to my mum that I wasn't going to go to my ballet class, but she said I had to go with her to see my niece even if I didn't go to the class, so I figured I may as well go, as at least if I was in a dance class I wouldn't have to be making small talk and pretending to be happy. Took a few Zopiclone monday night in the hope of getting a decent sleep. I feel like 30mg really should knock me out, especially when I haven't taken Zopiclone for 6 months (apart from the week before when I also took about that much one night). Unfortunately it doesn't. It just puts me in that drunk like state where I do things and then don't remember doing them. Like emailing L I discovered in my appointment today. Luckily I didn't say anything too ridiculous in it. But it was a bit weird when she brought it up and I had absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever - I had no idea what she was talking about.
Anyway, onto tuesday. That was yesterday. That was the rehearsal. Felt terrible. Feel like I am shit in the play. Don't even like the play. Feel way way too uncomfortable with my body to be happy with taking my top off in the play. Normally it wouldn't actually bother me too much, as although I hate my body I figure everyone wears bikinis on the beach etc, and so being in a bra with a clothed bottom half shouldn't be a big deal. That was my thinking when I agreed to do the part. That, and that I would lose a considerable ammount of weight. The losing weight hasn't happened. I am the heaviest I have been for several years. And in 2 weeks I am going to be taking my top off on stage. Fucking fantastic. Oh, and did I mention it is also entered in a drama festival so I will have to do it all again a few weeks later? Good good. Plus I can't learn my fucking lines. I don't have the concentration to look at a magazine, let alone learn lines. And this frustrates me a lot, because I have always had a brilliant memory for learning lines - I used to just be able to read a script through a couple of times and I would know it. I learnt my (large) role in a full length musical overnight once. And it never used to take me more than a week to learn a part, even if I was the lead. Now I can't learn what is basically 1 scene of dialogue. I am useless. Got to go and have the photos done tomorrow night for the newspapers. At least it won't take long.
Today went slightly wrong. L was supposed to be coming and seeing me here at half 10, then taking me into the town to see N at 12, who would then bring me back home after an hour or 2. Had a phone call from L at 10 saying that she needed to do an assessment at 11, and so could I see them the other way around instead, and that N would pick me up at half 11, and then drop me to see L at half 12, who would then drop me back home. I said that was fine. It was giving me less time with N than I usually get, but I didn't particularly care. N turned up 25 minutes late, meaning there was only 35 minutes until I was due to see L. I don't know why she is always late but she is. She had been there with L when L had changed the arrangement, so it isn't like she didn't know. But anyway. She asked if I wanted to go to Costa. I said there wasn't really time as by the time we were at the town I was due to see L in 15 minutes. So we just sat in the car for quarter of an hour.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago