Exhausted

Finding today quite difficult. As a result of the chocolate I ate yesterday my weight was up 0.4lbs, which I know isn't much, but I have had more chocolate again today, so it will be up again tomorrow, and probably for a few days as there is lots of chocolate around. It is really difficult for me to cope with my weight going up again. I just had a piece of baked cheesecake that my sister had made earlier, and now I feel so sick, and really desperately want to purge, but I can't because my parents are here and I would get caught. I feel horrible.

I feel totally exhausted. I think both physically and emotionally. Physically because I have been sleeping so badly lately - I never wake up not still feeling really worn out, and emotionally because my head just never stops - it is on overdrive all the time at the moment and I am finding it really difficult.

I have a rehearsal tomorrow. I am rehearsing a 1 act play. It is the first production I have done for a long time. I have only had 1 rehearsal so far. I already wish I wasn't doing it. I am already thinking of excuses for missing rehearsals, and how many I can realistically get away with not going to. I have no bloody concentration whatsoever, so I have no clue how I thought I would learn my lines, and I just don't actually give a shit about it. I should never have got involved, but it was one of those things that seemed like a good idea at the time. 2 weeks later and I think it was a crap idea. 5 years ago I would have been enthusiastic, but now I just don't care about anything. I try and make myself do thing like this play, and dance classes, but I don't enjoy them. I do them because I feel like I should enjoy them. Because I know that if I was well I would. But I'm not and I don't. I just don't fucking want to be here. I want to die.

Seeing L tomorrow.