Wednesday, 7 April 2010
It's no good
I am struggling too much. I feel really terrible. I have been like a zombie this afternoon and evening. Everything suddenly just feels too much to deal with and I feel desperately suicidal. Planning planning planning. I didn't go to the rehearsal tonight. I was really dizzy all afternoon/evening, to the point where it was difficult to stand/walk. I don't know what caused it. I felt fine apart from that, so I don't think it is illness. I did purge earlier, which I suppose could be related, but that usually just makes me a bit dizzy for a few minutes, not like this. So I said I wasn't well. I was relieved to have a get out. I didn't want to go. Have eaten like a pig today. For some reason I was just really hungry and had no self control. I did purge, but even if you take out that food I still ate too much. I suppose it won't matter what I weigh when I am dead anyway. I really can't keep going. I feel too exhausted and too desperate and I just can't cope with life anymore. I have felt like this for too long and I just can't do it anymore.