Thank you for all the support over the last few days. I am still feeling much the same. I am still planning to kill myself. I am having difficulty deciding when though. Like I said the other day, part of me feels like I should speak to someone first, but the only person I feel comfortable talking to would be L, so if I do that I can't do anything until after monday, but waiting until monday means waiting until thursday for various reasons, and that feels like an impossibly long time. So I don't know.
My relationship with my mum is not good at the moment. Whenever I am not doing well we seem to get on worse. She keeps telling me I am grumpy and lazy and selfish and boring and moody and how difficult I am to live with. Which is probably true, and I am probably more irritable when I am feeling really bad, and I definitely isolate myself more, but hearing that is like validation of everything I already feel about myself. And it just makes me think how much better off she would be without me.