Saturday, 17 April 2010

Same old...

Thank you for all the support over the last few days. I am still feeling much the same. I am still planning to kill myself. I am having difficulty deciding when though. Like I said the other day, part of me feels like I should speak to someone first, but the only person I feel comfortable talking to would be L, so if I do that I can't do anything until after monday, but waiting until monday means waiting until thursday for various reasons, and that feels like an impossibly long time. So I don't know.

My relationship with my mum is not good at the moment. Whenever I am not doing well we seem to get on worse. She keeps telling me I am grumpy and lazy and selfish and boring and moody and how difficult I am to live with. Which is probably true, and I am probably more irritable when I am feeling really bad, and I definitely isolate myself more, but hearing that is like validation of everything I already feel about myself. And it just makes me think how much better off she would be without me.


  1. Hey there, i'm a male disabled, PTSD, mixed adjustment disorder with depression and anxiety patient holding onto life as best as I can too.

    I too am struggling with those around me the deeper my issues progress. I *know* you're probably projecting all the pain and turmoil you're experiencing onto others like I am.

    It really fucking sucks to constantly re-affirm the thoughts we have about ourselves, yet as you said it's strangely pleasing at the same time to hear someone else echoing the way we feel inside.

    I was having the same thoughts of ending it all too, until I googled "feeling suicidal" and there you were, another person feeling the same way as I do. Oddly that makes me feel not nearly as alone as I felt before.

    I know I don't know you, and probably won't ever meet you but know that you helped me today by just being you and being honest.

    It's a vulnerable thing to put yourself out there like this but please hold on. I don't even know you but I love you.

  2. Hey Ryan,
    Thank you very much for your reply. I really appreciate it, and I am so glad if my blog even helped you a tiny bit - I write for purely selfish reasons, in that I find it a good release, but if reading it can help someone else then that is fantastic. I really hope things improve for you soon.

  3. I don't have anything constructive to add. I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you. Please do tell L tomorrow. I know that means acting on your suicidality will have to wait, but she may be able to help in some way, you never know. At the very least I doubt she would invalidate you the way your mother is so horribly doing :(

    OK, this was of no use whatsoever. Just - thinking of you. Please try and hang in there Bip, we'd miss you if you killed yourself.

    Big hugs xxx

  4. No matter what it seems like, your Mum wouldn't be better off without you Bip. Nobody would.
    One thing that really stuck with me through training was a quote from somebody who said that suicide is not a concious movement towards death. It's a movement away from what is excruciatingly painful and cannot be endured any longer.
    That's why I think it's really important to speak to L tomorrow. She might be able to help you figure out a way to move away from the painful place that doesn't result in your death. Does that make sense? (sorry that sounds very therapist-ish but I can't think of another way to explain what I mean)
    I know at the moment, it seems like there isn't an alternative. However there is.
    I took an overdose in 1999, thinking quite firmly that my eldest son (well he was the only child I had at the time) would be much better off if I wasn't around. I truly believed it. I thought it would be doing him a favour.
    Now, 11 years later, I am so happy that it didn't work. For many reasons. I can also see that if I had of been "successful" then my son would have been a very different person today. probably with a whole load of mental health problems of his own.
    Hang on lovely xxx

  5. Hi, Im also having problems with my mum especially when im low or just wanting time to myself. She seems to want to interfere too much and when im low i just dont want anyone and she cant understand this. Listening to music and talking to friends tends to cheer me up. Life is worth living hun. I know you may not think it. I was at the stage where i didnt think it was but iv managed to pull through it. I still have times when i am low but not as often as what is has been recently. keep your chin up. x

  6. *sigh* Parents eh? I know I find mine a nightmare when I'm struggling with their useless advice and lack of understanding. Remember though that your mum cares deeply about you and is only trying to help but she just doesn't know how. It took my parents years to change and it's only really in the last few months that they've started to come to terms with me really being ill. Hang on in there.

  7. I have started writing a reply to these comments several times now, but I just don't know what to say. Thank you all so much for your support, and for caring enough to reply. I don't feel like I deserve it, but I do appreciate it.

    Pandora - I am really struggling with holding off. I suppose because although L is back tomorrow and I will at least have someone to talk to, there is nothing she can actually do to change how I feel, and so it seems pointless you know?

    Margery - What you said does make sense, and you are allowed to sound therapist-ish - you are a nearly qualified psych nurse! I just can't imagine what anyone could do or say to make me want an alternative. It is nearly 5 years ago that I first attempted suicide, and there has been no real change in my feelings in all the time since. No, I haven't felt actively suicidal all that time, and yes there have been times when things have been a bit better, but there haven't been any times when I would have said I was happy, or that I wanted to be alive, and so it just seems so completely pointless. For what it is worth, I really do think you are going to be a great nurse. I think personal experience really does make so much difference in mental health, and you seem so caring too. Whoever you end up working for will be lucky to have you.

    notatrial - I am glad things have improved for you. I just feel like I have been feeling like this for so long now, and I just don't see things changing.

    anickdaler - I know my mum cares about me. And sometimes we get on really well, but it sometimes feels like we only get on well when I pretend everything is fine, and to be someone that I'm not. This evening we have got on well, but that is because I have put on a happy mask all evening and pretended to be fine, even though I feel like shit, and that is exhausting. But if I had done what I had wanted to do and just stayed in bed and stared at the wall then she would have got frustrated and angry with me. Kind of feels like a lose lose situation.


  8. Tell L. If that means printing this up or writing something down then do it. You don't want me to say this but you're young, hell I'm even younger and I thought it was the most patronising thing in the world to hear when you were pouring your soul out to somebody but it's true.

    You don't want to but you need to fight and if you can't fight then you need help to fight until you have the strength to do it for yourself. If that meant going to hospital or having your mum or someone more involved and informed then fine. It's horrible, I know to make yourself so vulnerable when you're already feeling appalling, but this is your life B. Your life is worth feeling uncomfortable or smothered in cotton wool for if it keeps you safe until you're able to. If you're planning to kill yourself then surely you'd be losing nothing by trying once more - complete and utter honesty about how desperate you're feeling though.

    I've been ill since I was 12 and I'm now 19. I've almost had a year of stability after 6 years of therapy and medications. So many times I wanted to and actually did give up because there's only so much trying you can do before it seems hopeless. The important word is "seems" though. Depression clouds things. It stops you from seeing things in a clear and rational way. I know I didn't see an end to it. I didn't see a future. I couldn't see past the hour or day I was in but I'm here now and I can see everything I couldn't see before. People do get better. It often seems like it's everyone else and not you but you can. Hard work is the last thing you want when you're this low but you are so so worth it B. On a selfish level, I'd be devestated if you died.

    And this is where the guilt bit comes in (something I also hated being told when I was ill).You're mum would be even worse. No parent ever wants to lose their child ever. Regardless of what they do or what they say. She would never, ever get over it. She'd blame herself. Wondering what she could have done to stop you or help you. You need to let her in B. Let her help you. Let L and the doctors help you. Let us help you. Let anyone who can help you. You deserve to live. You deserve to be happy. You deserve life.

    Fight for it. x

  9. Thank you Em. It must have taken fucking ages for you to type all of that 1 handed! I just don't know. I feel so confused. I feel like I have no fight left in me. I have been fighting to keep going for so long and I am just exhausted. I don't think my mum being more involved is going to help really - she has to go out to work, plus overnight when people are asleep is often when I am most tempted to act on my thoughts because I know I have a long time before anyone will see me. Overnight, followed by a day when my mum is at work. And so her knowing what is going on isn't going to help. It would just make her worry, and I don't want that. And it would make her feel like she should have done something when I kill myself, and that isn't fair because there is nothing she can do. I will try and get through tonight and speak to L tomorrow. But I don't think there is anything she can do either. She will probably tell me I am doing really well etc, but that doesn't change anything. I just feel empty, like I have nothing left in me. Thank you though. xxxx

  10. you're strong... you'll get through this... hugs

  11. I used to feel exactly the same B. Absolutely and completely the same.

    My mum used to sleep in my room when things were bad. Last time was Sunday night when I was hallucination because of morphine. Parents will do anything to keep their children safe,, even if it means being woken up at 3am. It took me a long time to accept this and go ask for help. In the beginning, she'd sleep in my room depending on what she thought my mood was like. Now I ask when I need it.

    You know you're mum will be worried right now. She'll be worried about what she does know, but far more about what she doesn't. It's near impossible to fight the unknown. You owe her a chance and you owe yourself another try x

  12. I just can't do it Em. And when my parents have known how bad things have been in the past they haven't done anything like that. I know they care about me, but it wouldn't occur to them to be with me all the time to keep me safe or anything. I think they assume that if I was that bad then I would be in hospital, and as I am not then it must mean I am safe. Which they should know from past experience is not true, but they just don't seem to really get it to be honest. And I just can't cope. I am too exhausted and I have had enough. x