Today has been quite difficult. One of those days where I just really haven't known what to do with myself. I just feel a bit lost and have kind of been drifting all day. My concentration is generally pretty poor, but I can usually keep myself occupied by flitting from one thing to another, so I go on a few different websites, and then read for a bit, and then do emails/blogging for a while, watch some TV, play a computer game, and then just kind of repeat the cycle until the day is gone. But sometimes when I am struggling that just doesn't seem to work for me, and today is one of those days. I try to do the things I usually do, but the websites don't interest me, and I can't concentrate on the book - I either find myself reading the same page over and over trying to get it into my head, or I just read the way I usually would but then realise I haven't got a bloody clue what is going on and who half the characters are. TV and music are irritating me. So then it turns into a staring into space day where I just spend time laying about staring at walls. I keep trying to do things, but I just can't focus properly on any of it.
I have also been feeling very stressed by tiny things. Weighing myself when I first got up was the first thing to stress me, and since then it just seems like everything has. Food has been difficult. I am finding it really difficult to trust any food after yesterday - it all feels really scary and unsafe. Actually, everything feels like that at the moment - not just food. It is the whole world. It feels scary and too much to deal with. Every decision feels momentous, even if it is a really tiny thing. I am so exhausted. I wish there was a way I could escape from life for a while. Get away from the constant fighting with myself.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago