Monday, 26 April 2010

Too much

I have too much over the next few days that I have to do. There isn't too much I can get out of either. Basically I have ballet lessons on mondays and wednesdays every week, which I sometimes skip, but I generally try and make myself go to however bad I feel. I have the advantage of knowing the syllabus so well that I can pretty much do the class on auto pilot, but because it is pretty much the only time I leave the house apart from for appointments I try to go. Plus if I don't go I get a lecture from my mum about how good it is for me to go etc, and that ends up being more hard work than going. I am also rehearsing this stupid play, as I have mentioned before. I didn't go to the rehearsal for that on friday - I emailed the director saying that I was ill. Imagine my delight when I got an answerphone message yesterday saying that they had decided to schedule an extra rehearsal for today (sunday). I called and said I was still ill. However, I really can't get out of any more. So far my week is looking like this. Everything is in the evenings unless I say otherwise, so I do at least have all day to flounder in bed, but I find it such an effort to leave the house because it involves putting on such a big act continuously, and that is draining, which isn't good when I am already exhausted.

Monday - Ballet class. However, it is also my niece's birthday, and she lives in the same town where I dance, so my mum wants us to go and see her for an hour before my class. Considering I wasn't even planning to go to the class, this is far from ideal.
Tuesday - Rehearsal. Regretting getting involved with this play more and more.
Wednesday - Appointment with L at 10:30, followed by N at 12. Then ballet class in the evening. Not terribly happy that all my support for the week is happening within 3 hours, as that leaves me the rest of the week with nothing. I usually see L on a tuesday, but she couldn't do tuesday this week.
Thursday - Photo session for the newspaper for the play. Will at least be short, but will involve putting effort into my appearance which takes too much effort.

I also have to decide this week for sure about this course in America, as the deadline for the (non refundable) deposit is this week. I am really not in the best frame of mind to be making decisions about my future, when at the moment I don't want one. The obvious choice would be to back out of that, which I could easily do. Particularly as when accepted I told myself I would only go if I had lost some weight by the time I had to pay. Which I haven't. But if I am alive in August, and doing a bit better and could have coped with it then I will be furious with myself. And even if I'm not it will become yet another thing added to my list of things to beat myself up about. Another time when I have intended to do something and then not been able to do it. Another failure.

I am feeling so overwhelmed. I am still having really strong suicidal thoughts and images etc - they aren't getting any weaker. I still can't concentrate on anything at all to distract myself. My sleep is awful and I am constantly exhausted. I had a shower and washed my hair this afternoon, as I was getting pretty disgusting to be honest, and I felt like I had run the marathon afterwards. So how am I supposed to get through the activities of the next few days? I feel pathetic. I know it looks like nothing to people who go out to work every day, or are in education, or just have really busy schedules, but it as about as full as my schedule tends to get, and it couldn't be a worse time for it. I will possibly scream if anyone suggests that the distraction will be good for me. If I was doing a bit better then that would possibly be true. But when I feel like this I just find it incredibly stressful, and I don't get distracted, I just get desperate. I want to scream anyway actually. And cry. But I am numb still. I just can't cope.


  1. Oh Bip, I'm sorry things are still feeling so bad for you hun. I can understand how what others may view as being small things can feel like mountains to be climbed when you feel so low. If you feel you can't cope with all of these things in one week could you not cancel just one of them so it might feel more manageable?

    And whilst I know your heart is in performing arts, if you really feel like you can't cope with the play, just know that I'm sure nobody would think bad of you if you decided not to be part of it anymore.

    Yet at the same time, maybe you could try looking at it in the sense that at the time of agreeing to do it, you *wanted* to do it; so maybe the desire to be in the play and do what makes you happy will give you enough strength to go to the rehearsals.

    I don't know the answers, I wish I did. I feel like I'm rambling a bit here, trying to offer a little support with some suggestions without using the word distraction as I know that is not what you want to hear right now.

    Sometimes even the smallest things can seem too much for us and maybe it would make you feel happier just to concentrate on one thing. That way you won't exhaust yourself by doing too much but will also feel happy that by the end you saw one thing through and can say to yourself 'I did that, I got through it, I made it to the end'.

    Sorry for the extremely long post, I hope today might be a better day for you. Hugs xx

  2. Thanks honey. I wish I could drop out of the play, but it is on in 2 weeks. I went to the auditions to read through the play because it is a new play and I wanted to see what it was like etc, and decided there wasn't really anything in it that interested me. Then I got offered a part, and I just didn't like to say no. So I have never really had any enthusiasm about it.

    I might try and get out of a ballet class this week. I don't know. It all feels too much. xxx

  3. Wow, that is a lot to. Remember, one thing at a time, right? I can especially related to your having to force yourself out of the house for appointment, etc. or otherwise remain "floundering," as you've so eloquently put it, in bed. Man am I tired! I don't have anything today and am soooo tempted to go back to bed. *sigh*

  4. That is a lot to try and achieve when you are feeling the way that you are. However well done for putting the effort in and still making it to your commitments. xx

  5. Hey, Hope things are ok. I have decided to make a positive thinking video for me, have u ever tried anything like that? a little video or list of things that make you happy or remind u how lucky u are to have certain things in your life. It may work. xxx

  6. Baby steps. and you have more of a schedule than I do. an inspiration.

  7. and you are young, so young. you have so much to contribute to the world. cling to that.