I have too much over the next few days that I have to do. There isn't too much I can get out of either. Basically I have ballet lessons on mondays and wednesdays every week, which I sometimes skip, but I generally try and make myself go to however bad I feel. I have the advantage of knowing the syllabus so well that I can pretty much do the class on auto pilot, but because it is pretty much the only time I leave the house apart from for appointments I try to go. Plus if I don't go I get a lecture from my mum about how good it is for me to go etc, and that ends up being more hard work than going. I am also rehearsing this stupid play, as I have mentioned before. I didn't go to the rehearsal for that on friday - I emailed the director saying that I was ill. Imagine my delight when I got an answerphone message yesterday saying that they had decided to schedule an extra rehearsal for today (sunday). I called and said I was still ill. However, I really can't get out of any more. So far my week is looking like this. Everything is in the evenings unless I say otherwise, so I do at least have all day to flounder in bed, but I find it such an effort to leave the house because it involves putting on such a big act continuously, and that is draining, which isn't good when I am already exhausted.
Monday - Ballet class. However, it is also my niece's birthday, and she lives in the same town where I dance, so my mum wants us to go and see her for an hour before my class. Considering I wasn't even planning to go to the class, this is far from ideal.
Tuesday - Rehearsal. Regretting getting involved with this play more and more.
Wednesday - Appointment with L at 10:30, followed by N at 12. Then ballet class in the evening. Not terribly happy that all my support for the week is happening within 3 hours, as that leaves me the rest of the week with nothing. I usually see L on a tuesday, but she couldn't do tuesday this week.
Thursday - Photo session for the newspaper for the play. Will at least be short, but will involve putting effort into my appearance which takes too much effort.
I also have to decide this week for sure about this course in America, as the deadline for the (non refundable) deposit is this week. I am really not in the best frame of mind to be making decisions about my future, when at the moment I don't want one. The obvious choice would be to back out of that, which I could easily do. Particularly as when accepted I told myself I would only go if I had lost some weight by the time I had to pay. Which I haven't. But if I am alive in August, and doing a bit better and could have coped with it then I will be furious with myself. And even if I'm not it will become yet another thing added to my list of things to beat myself up about. Another time when I have intended to do something and then not been able to do it. Another failure.
I am feeling so overwhelmed. I am still having really strong suicidal thoughts and images etc - they aren't getting any weaker. I still can't concentrate on anything at all to distract myself. My sleep is awful and I am constantly exhausted. I had a shower and washed my hair this afternoon, as I was getting pretty disgusting to be honest, and I felt like I had run the marathon afterwards. So how am I supposed to get through the activities of the next few days? I feel pathetic. I know it looks like nothing to people who go out to work every day, or are in education, or just have really busy schedules, but it as about as full as my schedule tends to get, and it couldn't be a worse time for it. I will possibly scream if anyone suggests that the distraction will be good for me. If I was doing a bit better then that would possibly be true. But when I feel like this I just find it incredibly stressful, and I don't get distracted, I just get desperate. I want to scream anyway actually. And cry. But I am numb still. I just can't cope.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago