My weight was down by 0.4lb today. I was disappointed. I shouldn't have been disappointed - at least it was down. But I wanted more. Weight loss gets you like that. It is never enough. And the 2 days before this it has been significantly more - 1lb the first day, 1.6lbs the second day. So it seems unfair that today was so much less, when I didn't eat any more. But that's the way it goes I guess. It is still 3lbs in 3 days, which is good going. I just wanted it to be more. I am getting more and more stressed about Easter. I really can't cope with my weight going up, it has to keep going down, I really really need it to. And it won't. And I don't know how I will cope with that. Tomorrow is Good Friday. That means my mum will buy Hot Cross Buns (we're not a religious family, but we do follow traditions). And there is no way I will get away with not eating one. And that one bun will have about half the calories of my daily intake in. That scares me. Where can I cut out the calories from so I don't gain weight? And then Easter Sunday. Chocolate day. Easter Egg day. How many Easter Eggs will I get? I know my mum has got me one. Probably the same one as I have got her, as I got it because it was half price and looked really good (£4.50 instead of £9 - bargain!). And she will have seen that as well, so it wouldn't suprise me if she got the same one for me. We bought each other the same Easter Egg last year too. Then I expect my dad will get me one. He tends to buy posh ones. I don't know why. That will probably not be too big as it will probably be posh and therefore expensive. This is a good thing, as if it is smaller it will have less calories. I don't know if my sister will have got me one or not. I am torn between my greed hoping she has, and my desperation to lose weight hoping she hasn't. And then I kind of bought a spare one. As did my mum. I got it because I was getting my dad one and they were buy one get one free. So I thought my mum and I could share the free one, because I was having a greedy moment. My mum did the same thing. So we are overrun with fucking Easter Eggs. Thousands and thousands of calories of chocolate will be around. What am I supposed to do? Ordinarily I don't worry about it too much, as although it is a lot of chocolate I don't gorge on it - I just have some Easter Egg chocolate when I fancy chocolate, instead of having normal chocolate. But I am not having chocolate at the moment. So it can't be a replacement, it will be an extra. And I can't deal with extra. I should have just said I didn't want any Easter Eggs this year, but I am too greedy for that. Now I am terrified by the whole thing.
EDIT Oh my goodness. I am completely traumatised. I just went to get some dry cereal as a snack. I do this most evenings. I reckon on it being about 200kcals, which is quite a lot, but it fills me up reasonably well. Per serving (with milk) they say it is 255kcal. So I thought without the milk I was having about 200kcals. Today for some reason I had decided I would weigh it, because I wanted to know for sure I was about right. I poured out a bowl and weighed it. Then reweighed it, because I was sure it couldn't be as heavy as that. It was. It was over 100g. I took some out. I made it exactly 100g. It didn't look a terribly big bowl of cereal. Just your kind of average bowl. I looked at the nutritional information. Without milk, therefore how I have it as a snack, 100g has 416kcals. It is a fucking bowl of cereal! I could have half a pizza for that! I could have 2 chocolate bars! I could have 3 slices of bread! I had absolutely NO idea I was eating that many calories. Sure, I knew how many calories the cereal had per 100g, but I had no idea I was having anything like 100g - I assumed what they call a portion in the nutritional info would be a normal bowlful, and it clearly isn't. Cereal is now very much off the safe foods list, I am never bloody having it again. I am so bloody upset by this stupid fucking cereal. FUCK. I hate myself for being so bloody stupid. Why did I not ever think to weigh it before? I am going to weigh everything I eat from now on. My so called snack has more calories in it than the rest of my day.
Hallucinations and the Mental Health Act
5 days ago