Thursday, 1 April 2010


My weight was down by 0.4lb today. I was disappointed. I shouldn't have been disappointed - at least it was down. But I wanted more. Weight loss gets you like that. It is never enough. And the 2 days before this it has been significantly more - 1lb the first day, 1.6lbs the second day. So it seems unfair that today was so much less, when I didn't eat any more. But that's the way it goes I guess. It is still 3lbs in 3 days, which is good going. I just wanted it to be more. I am getting more and more stressed about Easter. I really can't cope with my weight going up, it has to keep going down, I really really need it to. And it won't. And I don't know how I will cope with that. Tomorrow is Good Friday. That means my mum will buy Hot Cross Buns (we're not a religious family, but we do follow traditions). And there is no way I will get away with not eating one. And that one bun will have about half the calories of my daily intake in. That scares me. Where can I cut out the calories from so I don't gain weight? And then Easter Sunday. Chocolate day. Easter Egg day. How many Easter Eggs will I get? I know my mum has got me one. Probably the same one as I have got her, as I got it because it was half price and looked really good (£4.50 instead of £9 - bargain!). And she will have seen that as well, so it wouldn't suprise me if she got the same one for me. We bought each other the same Easter Egg last year too. Then I expect my dad will get me one. He tends to buy posh ones. I don't know why. That will probably not be too big as it will probably be posh and therefore expensive. This is a good thing, as if it is smaller it will have less calories. I don't know if my sister will have got me one or not. I am torn between my greed hoping she has, and my desperation to lose weight hoping she hasn't. And then I kind of bought a spare one. As did my mum. I got it because I was getting my dad one and they were buy one get one free. So I thought my mum and I could share the free one, because I was having a greedy moment. My mum did the same thing. So we are overrun with fucking Easter Eggs. Thousands and thousands of calories of chocolate will be around. What am I supposed to do? Ordinarily I don't worry about it too much, as although it is a lot of chocolate I don't gorge on it - I just have some Easter Egg chocolate when I fancy chocolate, instead of having normal chocolate. But I am not having chocolate at the moment. So it can't be a replacement, it will be an extra. And I can't deal with extra. I should have just said I didn't want any Easter Eggs this year, but I am too greedy for that. Now I am terrified by the whole thing.

EDIT Oh my goodness. I am completely traumatised. I just went to get some dry cereal as a snack. I do this most evenings. I reckon on it being about 200kcals, which is quite a lot, but it fills me up reasonably well. Per serving (with milk) they say it is 255kcal. So I thought without the milk I was having about 200kcals. Today for some reason I had decided I would weigh it, because I wanted to know for sure I was about right. I poured out a bowl and weighed it. Then reweighed it, because I was sure it couldn't be as heavy as that. It was. It was over 100g. I took some out. I made it exactly 100g. It didn't look a terribly big bowl of cereal. Just your kind of average bowl. I looked at the nutritional information. Without milk, therefore how I have it as a snack, 100g has 416kcals. It is a fucking bowl of cereal! I could have half a pizza for that! I could have 2 chocolate bars! I could have 3 slices of bread! I had absolutely NO idea I was eating that many calories. Sure, I knew how many calories the cereal had per 100g, but I had no idea I was having anything like 100g - I assumed what they call a portion in the nutritional info would be a normal bowlful, and it clearly isn't. Cereal is now very much off the safe foods list, I am never bloody having it again. I am so bloody upset by this stupid fucking cereal. FUCK. I hate myself for being so bloody stupid. Why did I not ever think to weigh it before? I am going to weigh everything I eat from now on. My so called snack has more calories in it than the rest of my day.


  1. Cereal is depressingly heavy :( As with the rest of it, deep breath and face the Easter weekend as best you are able. ((Hugs))

  2. Thanks. It really is. I can't believe it. They are so fucking misleading calling a portion size 40 or 50 grams. That is a tiny bit in the bottom of the bowl. I am stupid for letting it upset me so much, but it has really overwhelmed me. The world is so confusing and I just can't deal with it at the moment.

  3. I can relate to the concern about Easter as well. I've been trying to avoid the sweets too. It is sad how much Easter is centered around sweets. I try to find ways to avoid the sweets by filling my kids eggs with toys and such rather than so much candy. And honestly, even though it's wasteful, I try to throw all the candy out a couple days ofter the holiday. I should probably do it sooner. Maybe make some plans to do something else enriching other than things centered around chocolate.

    I'm sure since you know you have an issue with an eating disorder that you're aware of what you're doing right now with food and weighing yourself. That being said, I can certainly sypmathize. It's a rough battle but it's your choice to make.

    On the up side of this, I notice you haven't been writing as much about suicide since you started the food restricting. Today my DBT group leader said something that was to this point. He said that we may not be able to control what thoughts or feelings come into our minds but we can control what we choose to pay attention to. It takes a lot of effort sometimes though.

    You might try reading up some on the DBT skills (especially mindfulness) either in a book or on line. I know that when I'm down it's often an unmanageable thing to choose to focus on something other than my drives and impulses. I fail a lot, but at least it's something to strive for. And it does help me anyway.

  4. I don't know if Easter Eggs are the same there as they are here - over here it is all about prepackaged chocolate eggs that usually come with a couple of chocolate bars, so you don't really have the option of putting else something inside it, as it is all packaged up. For my youngest nephew and niece I have bought books rather than chocolate though - they will get too much chocolate as it is!

    I know I haven't been talking about the suicidal thoughts as much the last few days. I do find restricting works relatively well as a distraction - it is something I have used (intentionally) in the past as well when I have been very suicidal. If I am restricting my weight goes down, and that makes me feel like I am at least in control of 1 thing in my life, and that I am doing something right. The suicidal thoughts are still there, but on a day when my weight has gone down I feel able to keep going. The problem with this technique is that if my weight goes up then it makes things worse than ever. Which is why I am stressing about Easter.

    I have also been trying to do the thing of giving myself a date to get through. This is made slightly easier by knowing that at some point within the next 2 weeks I would have a good opportunity to kill myself if I chose to do so, so I am trying to tell myself to keep going until then, and if I still feel bad I can act on it then, when there will be a higher chance of it being successful.

  5. I certainly hope that you don't make the choice to kill yourself but I do respect that ultimately that's a choice only you can make. I hope that you'll do whatever is neccessary to take care of yourself. It sounds like you have the support system you need in place with your therapist should you choose to turn to it.

    Although I don't know you well, you seem to be a bright young gal. I'm grateful for how we've crossed paths here in the blogging world. I suspect that the experiences you're having now will later on give you an invaluable ablity to understand what others are going though as they go through similar times. That will be a gift only someone like you, who truely understand, can give.

    I hope that you'll keep in mind that there is still potential in life. There are many life transitions you haven't yet come though.....independence, marriage, being a Mom, healing yourself, and the rewards of giving back in whatever way you enjoy, just to list a few. I hope you'll give life and time a chance.

    I really sympathize with your situation because it's much like mine was at your age. I couldn't have imagined then what life would be like 10, 15 years down the road or what knew skills and attitudes and treatment opportunities I'd have. I could have ended my life then, and tried, but I'm glad now that I managed through. Even if I still sometimes struggle with suicidal thoughts, even if I'm still in need of learning more skills, I'm still glad I've mananaged this far.

    I wish you the very best with what your going through now and with your journey ahead. It's your journey, own it, make it what you want it to be. :)

  6. Completely understand the cereal issue.

    However having said that, you said a Hot cross bun would be half of your daily calorie intake. well knowing how many calories one of those contains - if you are eating that few calories a day then you know your body will go into starvation mode and will hang onto any calories/food you give i because it doesn't know when it will get any more.

    I'm sure you know that really

    take care