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Saturday, 10 April 2010

Suicidal thoughts

I haven't written anything for a while. I have been feeling really low, and there didn't seem much point in writing about how I am planning to kill myself etc. I have had some patches that have been easier that have generally lasted an hour or 2. But even in those times I have been planning, and I think in a weird way it has been the thought of not being here that has made it easier to cope with, because I can see an end. That might not make any sense. But I know that even when I have been feeling a bit better I have been thinking a lot about suicide. I am not really sure what to say. I am still here and I still don't want to be.
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6 comments:

  1. cb10 April 2010 at 17:09

    I hope very much that things get better. Take care

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  2. Looking for Sunshine10 April 2010 at 20:19

    Does talking to L help you to feel better? Maybe you should call them? I know it's horrible to have these feelings and especially to be making plans. I hope that things get better for you.

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  3. Bippidee10 April 2010 at 21:41

    Thank you. I usually find talking to people does help me whilst I am actually talking, but then it doesn't have any impact on how I am doing an hour later or anything. So it is hard, because unless I literally had support constantly I don't know how much it would help. L is on leave for the next week anyway, and if I do go through with these plans it will be long before that. x

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  4. A Glass Half Shattered10 April 2010 at 21:55

    "I am still here and I still don't want to be." I could have written that. I can totally relate to being fine for an hour or so and then contemplating suicide the rest of the time. You are not alone. Here's hoping it will get better. You are in my thoughts.

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  5. Anonymous11 April 2010 at 08:28

    What is it that's different in the couple of hours that you feel a bit better?..I mean, are you doing something different, thinking about something else etc?
    Thinking of you Bip x

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  6. Bippidee11 April 2010 at 13:34

    Thank you both. Absolutely nothing is different, I just suddenly get energy from somewhere and get a bit hyper. In some ways it is easier, but in some ways it is more dangerous - I am more impulsive then, and I have tried to kill myself in one of those patches before. They just kind of come and go though, for absolutely no reason that I can think of. I still think about suicide in those times, in fact I probably tend to plan more then because the rest of the time I am just too exhausted to think properly. Maybe it just feels easier because I feel more certain I will kill myself then, and so I can see a clear end in sight. When I am just exhausted and desperate it feels like nothing I do will even work anyway and that makes me feel even more desperate. I just want it to work so much.

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