Thursday, 29 April 2010

My week so far: Part 2

I saw L. She said she had spoken to her manager as she felt I needed to see her more than once a week at the moment, and that he had given that the okay, so I am going to be seeing her twice a week for a while from next week. She said probably for 4 - 6 weeks and then we would review it. Nobody has ever seen me more than once a week before. Apart from when I have been in hospital, or under the crisis team, and that is a bit different. I have quite often had more than one appointment a week, for eg I usually see both L and N once a week, and in the past I saw my old GP, my CCO and a support worker all once a week. But not the same person more than once a week. I think it is a good thing. I am still really struggling a lot, and I would far far rather see L more often than be referred to the crisis team or something. Not that that was suggested, but I know some CCOs would do that rather than seeing someone more frequently themselves.

L also wants to take me to see some supported accomodation. I am not sure how I feel about that at the moment. Partly because of my complete inability to imagine the future I suppose. But also because I have always lived here. Apart from when I went away to uni, which didn't last for long. Sometimes I am desperate to move out and get my own place, but I rely on my Mum for a lot. She does a lot for me. She is the person who will try and get me out of bed, and who will encourage me to shower and dress, and who persuades me to go to dance classes etc, and who gets most of my meals, and who looks after my medication when it is judged that I can't be trusted with it etc etc. I am very reliant on her. Probably a lot more than I should be.

If my mum is away for any reason I end up self neglecting even more than I usually do. I don't bother eating properly - I might grab something very quick like some crisps or a slice of bread or a bowl of cereal, but that is it. I think that is partly because of my eating problems - if my mum isn't around it is a lot easier to restrict, so I often do, and partly because even if I am not restricting, I just don't have the motivation to cook meals for myself. I suppose it is laziness really. I don't know. It just seems pointless using up all that energy and effort on cooking a meal that I don't even really want. But I am 23. I should be cooking my own meals. But I know I wouldn't. I also don't leave my bed without nagging. Again, I don't see the point. The wall in my bedroom is just as good to stare at as the walls downstairs, and I have the added bonus of being cozy and comfortable in my bed. And not having to see anyone. But apparently this is not a good thing. L says I need to spend more time around people. It is apparently not good to be on my own, in my bedroom for 23+ hours a day. But I find it hard being around people. I feel like I have to put on a happy mask all the time, and I find that exhausting. It is easier to just be on my own. Then I can stare at the wall in peace.

My mum also keeps me safe to a large extent, although I doubt she even knows it. A lot of the time I don't attempt suicide because I don't want to think of her finding me, like she has on other occasions. Finding someone after a suicide attempt must be hard. It would be particularly hard if it was a successful attempt, but even with an unsuccessful attempt I think it would be harder to be the one who found the person than it would to be told that the person was in hospital following an attempt. I don't want to put my mum through that again. I never have wanted to, but sometimes things have got too overwhelming and I haven't seen another option.

So my mum does a lot for me. And I love her very much. But we also have a difficult relationship. The worse I am feeling the worse we get on, probably because I retreat more and more into myself and my room, and get very irritable and aggressive, and she gets frustrated. So we end up arguing. And shouting. And I get upset. And then I get more suicidal, because I think that the main person I am trying to live for would be better off without me. So that is difficult. And I often want to move out. I am 23. I feel like I should have my own place now, not still be living with my parents. Not relying on my parents to do everything for me. I often get frustrated living at home.

L first mentioned supported housing a month or 2 ago. She said she thought it would be good for me to live somewhere where I would be less isolated. I live in the middle of nowhere and don't drive, and my parents are out at work every day, so as well as the time I choose to spend on my own, there is also a lot of enforced isolation. She said there was somewhere in the town, quite near the CMHT, where there were supported housing flats for people with MH problems, and maybe we could go and see them one day. She is now talking about different housing though. In a different town. She thinks I need more support than the first ones would offer. At the second place there is someone there all the time, they are staffed overnight etc, not just in the daytime, and they offer higher levels of support. They also do various groups (I think social rather than therapy) that they encourage people to get involved with, whereas the first one just has support workers visiting. She said they tend to refer to the first place when people are in need of accomodation, or young people who want or need to move out of home etc, rather than because of their mental health needs as such. Obviously it is for people with mental health problems, but they aren't referred there primarily for the support. The second place is for people who are more unwell, who need more support to live on their own.

I am not sure how I feel about that. I have trouble accepting that I am unwell sometimes. I feel like I should just pull myself together and be 'normal', or I wonder if I am making it all up and there is nothing wrong with me at all and I am just pretending. I know I am not pretending really. I know how bad I feel. But I feel like I must be misleading people in some way for them to think I am ill. I find it quite difficult to get my head around at times. I think of supported housing as for people who are really ill. People who have proper mental health problems. People who have reasons for being ill. I don't. I have no reason to feel the way I do. So maybe I don't actually have mental health problems. Maybe I am just pathetic and don't cope with life well.

Part of me wants her to change her mind again and think I am well enough for the first place. Because there is nothing wrong with me. But I am not sure how I would cope. Without my mum, living somewhere without that much support I would probably completely self neglect. And I would probably end up even more isolated than I am here, which would kind of defeat the purpose. I am not sure if I would bother with food or showering or getting out of bed or anything. I don't bother much as it is - I only get dressed if I have to leave the house, and that usually isn't very often. So from that point of view maybe the second place would be better. But I don't want to be ill. She said people stay there up to 2 years, and then they help you find less supported accomodation, or just a normal rental. Does that mean I am going to be like this for another 2 years or more? I can't cope with that. I am meant to be better by now. Definitely better within the next 6 months. Totally fine by this time next year. I can't feel like this for another 2 years. I have already wasted over 6 years of my life on this. If I am going to have a life, ie not kill myself, I can't afford to spend another 2 years like this. I don't have time. I need to get on with things. Maybe I should just get a job and move to London. Stop all this illness stuff.

I just want to kill myself. I don't want to be here. Everything feels too hard. I don't want the play or dance classes or summer courses or housing or anything else. I just want to die. I can't cope. It wasn't meant to be like this.


  1. bippie... stay with us girl, you'll be OK. let your doc and therapists do their job to help you. you do have an illness... it's ok to be sick, but you also need to get help. don't beat yourself up about being a certain way. you're not alone. the Universe doesn't give you anything that you can't handle. xoxo

  2. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling this way, but hang in there, because there are always better things to come.

    Thanks so much for your kind comment on my recent blog post, your support meant an awful lot :-)

    You are lovely

    Sarah x

  3. Its good that L can see you more often for a bit. And she has obviously got you thinking about accommodation. I am older than you but I have retreated to my parents several times. Before I got my flat where i am now, I really wanted independence but was scared of not coping. Personally it has been the best thing that has happened. I dont need a happy mask as there is noone to put that on for. I do neglect myself and am poor at keeping things going sometimes, but then there is only me to pick things up again and thats a good thing. It makes me do it as I so desperately want to keep my own space.
    Hope you can judge for yourself when you see whats on offer, take care x

  4. It's a positive thing that L is going to see you more frequently whilst you're struggling.

    Just because you argue with your mum, does not mean she would be better off without you. It's a normal part of a relationship to have some arguments. It sounds like living with your mum does have its benefits, though I can understand that you want to have independance. Sounds like you have a lot to think about. The second housing accomodation can be good in that you have more support, especially if you tend to isolate yourself and self neglect.

    Your thoughts about just pulling yourself out of mental illness and becoming normal sound so familiar to me. I too think that I have no reason to have mental health issues and am just weak, pathetic etc. And while I know that I have mental health issues, it feels strange when it is acknowleged as something big and taken really seriously. Not everyone necessarilly has a reason for being mentally ill though, anyone can develop a mental illness, regardless of how well they cope with life.

    Take care,

    Cassie x

  5. Sending empathy on nearly all levels (except the issue of supported housing, mainly as I live with A) - I totally get the "things should have been different" idea.

    BPD fucking sucks.


    P x