Another long day. Actually it hasn't been a long day at all, as I have been asleep for most of it, but it feels like it has. I just don't know what to do with myself. Last night was hard. I really wanted to OD. In the end I took a few Zopiclone. I haven't been prescribed Zopiclone for quite a long time now, but I have some saved in my stash, and so I decided to take a few because I didn't think I could get through the night otherwise. Since I haven't taken them for so long I thought they should have regained their effectiveness and knocked me out, but it didn't really work. I took 5, but they didn't knock me out like I had hoped. I did manage to get to sleep in the end, but still slept badly and woke up lots. Felt like crap today, felt sick, I think from that nasty taste Zopiclone leaves, and like I had a hangover. Have slept on and off all day. I don't know what to do with myself when I am awake. I am writing this now because I just don't know what else to do, rather than because I have anything to say.
L rung earlier. I already can't remember what we talked about. She is coming round to see me tomorrow. Unfortunately I also have a shitty dentist appointment I have to go to tomorrow, which is just about the last thing I feel like doing when I am feeling like this. And I also have an appointment to see my GP, just my normal monthly appointment. I would cancel, because I don't want to sit through another person telling me to distract myself, but I want more Diazepam and seeing the GP is the way to get them, so I will have to. So tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Dentist at 12, L at half 2, Dr O at half 5. What an exciting day.
I don't know what to do. I do really appreciate that L is being so supportive, and making contact every day etc, but the trouble is that it is in the middle of the night that I am most at risk of acting on the thoughts, and at that point it doesn't make much difference to me if I have had a phone call that afternoon or not. To be honest, at this point things are feeling so bad that I think the only way I could not overdose is if I was in hospital, and that isn't happening. I do feel guilty, because I know I will upset people, but I just can't cope.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago