Another long day. Actually it hasn't been a long day at all, as I have been asleep for most of it, but it feels like it has. I just don't know what to do with myself. Last night was hard. I really wanted to OD. In the end I took a few Zopiclone. I haven't been prescribed Zopiclone for quite a long time now, but I have some saved in my stash, and so I decided to take a few because I didn't think I could get through the night otherwise. Since I haven't taken them for so long I thought they should have regained their effectiveness and knocked me out, but it didn't really work. I took 5, but they didn't knock me out like I had hoped. I did manage to get to sleep in the end, but still slept badly and woke up lots. Felt like crap today, felt sick, I think from that nasty taste Zopiclone leaves, and like I had a hangover. Have slept on and off all day. I don't know what to do with myself when I am awake. I am writing this now because I just don't know what else to do, rather than because I have anything to say.
L rung earlier. I already can't remember what we talked about. She is coming round to see me tomorrow. Unfortunately I also have a shitty dentist appointment I have to go to tomorrow, which is just about the last thing I feel like doing when I am feeling like this. And I also have an appointment to see my GP, just my normal monthly appointment. I would cancel, because I don't want to sit through another person telling me to distract myself, but I want more Diazepam and seeing the GP is the way to get them, so I will have to. So tomorrow is going to be a busy day. Dentist at 12, L at half 2, Dr O at half 5. What an exciting day.
I don't know what to do. I do really appreciate that L is being so supportive, and making contact every day etc, but the trouble is that it is in the middle of the night that I am most at risk of acting on the thoughts, and at that point it doesn't make much difference to me if I have had a phone call that afternoon or not. To be honest, at this point things are feeling so bad that I think the only way I could not overdose is if I was in hospital, and that isn't happening. I do feel guilty, because I know I will upset people, but I just can't cope.
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The nights are the worst time. I'm usually up if you ever fancy emailing. x
ReplyDeleteAgree about night-times. During the day, I can often (not always) sort of sideline suicidal thinking but it's basically impossible at night. The only thing that's stopped me in the past is the sheer exhaustion that accompanies chronic insomnia; I'd need at least a wee bit of energy to catch the bus successfully.
ReplyDeleteWhen you say hospital 'isn't happening', do you mean from your own perspective or because your care team aren't really doing anything? I'm just wondering if it's the latter could you speak to your GP about an assessment from the crisis team. As is my wont I have just made a statement of the most hypocritical order: I'd never do such a thing myself, not unsolicited anyway. I suppose it's easier to see things from the outside, and in my own self-interested way, I don't want you to kill yourself :(
Sorry, I'm being selfish and rabbiting on now. Just take care of yourself insofar as it's possible, and I hope you can at least get some sleep tonight.
Big hugs xxxxx
For me night is worst because I know that is when it would be easiest for me to do something, ie the time I would have the longest before anyone found me.
ReplyDeleteYou definitely have a point with the exhaustion thing. That reminds me, when I was talking to L earlier I was saying how exhausted I was and how suicidal I feel etc, and she said I am probably actually too exhausted to even act on the thoughts. I don't know if it will be enough to stop me or not, but what she was saying did make sense.
Mmm, the hospital thing is kind of a bit of a both really. L has always been very against me going into hospital - she thinks it often makes people worse rather than better, and that there can be a lot of stigma about people with BPD etc amongst staff, plus I need to learn to cope with crises without needing to go into hospital every time things get bad. And I agree with all of those points. So basically from the care team point of view it is unlikely to happen. And from my point of view.... Well. I have very mixed views on it really. I wouldn't want to be in hospital, because the reason would be to keep me safe, and feeling like this I don't want to be kept safe. I also know from past experience that I would hate it and want to go home the entire time. I have always refused hospital when it has been suggested (apart from the 2 times when I was admitted, but I wasn't given a choice on those occasions - I wasn't sectioned, but I think it is pretty likely I would have been had I refused). If L were ever to think I should go into hospital then I like to think that I would agree, partly because I do completely trust her, and partly because I know she is pretty anti it, and so that would make me more likely to go along with it. I also always feel like I should give anything a go, even if it isn't what I want, for the sake of people who care about me, but it is easy to say that when I know it isn't going to happen ;) I couldn't and wouldn't ask to be admitted though. I don't want to be in hospital, and even if I did I doubt they would agree. Sorry, that was pretty convoluted - the short story is I would go if L thought I should because I trust her, but I don't want to, and she wouldn't suggest it!
xxx