Things aren't getting any easier. I really wish I had killed myself when my mum was away. Even just writing this is taking a massive ammount of effort. I can't seem to do much apart from lay in bed staring at the wall. I can't think properly or concentrate. I feel really isolated. Whenever things get really bad and I retreat like this my mum tells me I am being selfish and only thinking about myself, and that if I stopped thinking about myself and thought about other people then everything would be better. She doesn't understand how I am feeling. How much I am fighting. If I wasn't thinking about other people then I would have killed myself years ago. I am not living for me. My grandad is staying at the moment. Which makes it even worse because it means him and my mum are here all the time, and I get nagged about being rude and anti social and spending all my time in my room. I can't cope. I am so fucking sick of being told how well I am doing and how strong I am. I need a break at least, I can't keep doing this. I wanted to write to get everything out of my head, but my brain feels like mush. I can't think properly. I just know I can't do this.
Spending all my time in bed apart from when I have to go out to appointments, or to get food etc is pretty normal for me. I do it most of the time. But I am usually at least doing things. Reading, or watching TV, or doing something on the computer. But at the moment I can't seem to do anything except laying in bed, just staring. Even typing this is exhausting me. I get really frustrated with myself if I try to read because I just can't concentrate and it doesn't make sense to me. I watched an entire film on TV yesterday and I haven't got a fucking clue what it was about. I couldn't tell you anything about it, except that Morgan Freeman was in it. Plot? No idea. Can't concentrate enough to read lots of the blogs I read, unless they are short updates written very simply. So doing nothing seems the obvious thing to do. But I can't do that either because my mind is so completely taken over by all the suicidal thoughts. It is like my brain has been programmed to think about nothing but suicide. I just can't cope with all the thoughts in my head. I feel like I am going to explode. I can't do it, I can't cope. I am going to kill myself, and if it doesn’t work then I will just keep trying until it does. Just need to find the right time.
Christmas love to you all
3 weeks ago