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Thursday, 15 April 2010

No better

Things aren't getting any easier. I really wish I had killed myself when my mum was away. Even just writing this is taking a massive ammount of effort. I can't seem to do much apart from lay in bed staring at the wall. I can't think properly or concentrate. I feel really isolated. Whenever things get really bad and I retreat like this my mum tells me I am being selfish and only thinking about myself, and that if I stopped thinking about myself and thought about other people then everything would be better. She doesn't understand how I am feeling. How much I am fighting. If I wasn't thinking about other people then I would have killed myself years ago. I am not living for me. My grandad is staying at the moment. Which makes it even worse because it means him and my mum are here all the time, and I get nagged about being rude and anti social and spending all my time in my room. I can't cope. I am so fucking sick of being told how well I am doing and how strong I am. I need a break at least, I can't keep doing this. I wanted to write to get everything out of my head, but my brain feels like mush. I can't think properly. I just know I can't do this.

Spending all my time in bed apart from when I have to go out to appointments, or to get food etc is pretty normal for me. I do it most of the time. But I am usually at least doing things. Reading, or watching TV, or doing something on the computer. But at the moment I can't seem to do anything except laying in bed, just staring. Even typing this is exhausting me. I get really frustrated with myself if I try to read because I just can't concentrate and it doesn't make sense to me. I watched an entire film on TV yesterday and I haven't got a fucking clue what it was about. I couldn't tell you anything about it, except that Morgan Freeman was in it. Plot? No idea. Can't concentrate enough to read lots of the blogs I read, unless they are short updates written very simply. So doing nothing seems the obvious thing to do. But I can't do that either because my mind is so completely taken over by all the suicidal thoughts. It is like my brain has been programmed to think about nothing but suicide. I just can't cope with all the thoughts in my head. I feel like I am going to explode. I can't do it, I can't cope. I am going to kill myself, and if it doesn’t work then I will just keep trying until it does. Just need to find the right time.

9 comments:

  1. (((hugs))) if you'll accept them. I'm not sure what to say x

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  2. Bip, you're not selfish you're poorly. I bet your mum is worried and frustrated that she doesn't know what to do with you.
    When is L back? If you can hang on till then, please tell her just how suicidal you are. If you can't hang on then phone the crisis team today, and don't be fobbed off with ideas of having a bath etc.
    If I knew you outside of the blogosphere, I would be encouraging to to come to A&E with me. You can't be left feeling this suicidal.
    Worried about you matey xxx

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  3. *hugs* lovely :( What an awful time for you - I wish I could say something to make you feel a little better, but I know that's probably impossible. Agree with Margery - this isn't selfishness, this is illness. I completely understand about staying alive for the sake of others, and your Mum's lack of understanding is so frustrating.

    I don't normally advocate this kind of thing, but can you call the crisis team - or L / N to go to A&E with you? I know it absolutely fucking sucks but things seem to be at an all time low and you deserve so much better than that.

    You know where I am - thinking of you. *hugs*

    xxxxx

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  4. You're not being selfish, you're struggling. It's hard to do anything really when depression is hitting you this hard. I do that too when I'm depressed, I hide away from everyone and people probably think I'm rude or anti social. It's unfortunate that others don't understand this. When you're suicidal, keeping yourself alive is an accomplishment, let alone trying to be social and do things.

    I'm sorry that things are so tough for you right now. I agree with the others, if you're this suicidal you should be going to A&E and getting additional help.

    Take care,

    -Cassie

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  5. Thank you for the replies. I feel a bit overwhelmed that everyone is thinking I should go to A&E. I never think I can be that bad. I suppose I would go to A&E if I thought it would help, but realistically what can they do? It would just be the crisis team telling me to do things to try and distract myself (really isn't working), and have a bath to relax (again, isn't going to work).

    Margery - L will be back on monday. At the moment I am not sure if I can hold on until then or not. With my granddad being here, my mum is here more of the time, so it is hard for me to find a long enough time (or a time that I consider long enough) to act on it, so I might be able to get through until monday, or I might not. I'm not sure. Even if I do though, I am not sure it will make any difference. Yes, I will have someone to talk to who is supportive, but I don't even know if that would be enough right now. Thank you for caring. You are going to be a great MH nurse.

    It is good to have you back Pandora! L is on leave this week, and N is only a part timer (mon - wed) so neither of them are about. I can't actually call the crisis team - you have to be referred to them to be allowed to call them. They even regularly change their number so that other people can't call them... In hours I can call the CMHT and speak to whoever is on duty though, and out of hours I can call the local ward who kind of act as an out of hours line, and can pass you onto the crisis team.

    Cassie, it is hard when people don't understand isn't it? But I think maybe it is hard for anyone who hasn't been there to actually understand what it is like. I know that I didn't understand MH problems before they hit me - EDs for example seemed very strange to me, I just didn't get it. But it is frustrating.

    xxx

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  6. I felt very overwhelmed when I had to go to the hospital. But, it's not a fun thing to do, especially if you have to deal with doc's and therapists who don't know you. Hope you get through this... it always seems like it lasts forever... but try to remember that you will get out of it.

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  7. I haven't been online much for the past week or so but just caught up with your blog and am wondering how you are.

    Have you thought of talking to the Samaritans? I hate the thought of talking on the phone but some people find it helpful and the Samaritans have years of experience, and are well trained and really understand. Also they are not threatening, in that they can't do anything, so you can be honest with them about how you are feeling without worrying that an ambulance is going to turn up outside your house.

    The set up in my area is the same as yours - crisis team is referral only, CMHT are office hours only, the only help is either A&E or Adult Social Care Out of hours emergency phone number. And they would probably only refer to A&E anyway. It feels so lonely sometimes over weekends and bank hols knowing that those are the worst times and yet there is no support available.

    But having a network of virtual friends online has made a real difference to me. Knowing that at the worst of times, I can while away some miserable lonely hours online, catching up with other blogs, and hoping that someone will comment on mine so that I know that there is someone somewhere who understands and is there.

    Plus Facebook of course is a great time waster and good for a bit of escapism from the real world.

    Thinking of you, keep posting xx

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