I haven't posted anything for a couple of days because I haven't really felt like I have had that much to say. Basically things have been more of the same. I am still struggling a lot with low mood/eating/suicidal thoughts.
One thing I have noticed that really brings on the suicidal thoughts hard is thinking about the future. I find it so utterly overwhelming and impossible to think about, and end up feeling really desperate, which leads to me wanting to kill myself. I am not quite sure how to resolve this, and it is difficult as it ends up really affecting my life, as I won't commit to doing things even a week or 2 in advance often, let alone months, as I just find it too hard to think ahead like that, and so then I end up not doing things and missing out on things I have wanted to do. Sometimes it is little things, and it doesn't matter that I miss out on them, or I can do them at short notice etc, but it also applies to bigger things, like going on holiday or to visit friends, or courses etc, and sometimes I do regret not doing these things. I suppose I am partly thinking about all of this so much, because I recently (ish) did a video audition for a musical theatre summer course in the USA, which I was accepted onto, and so my mind is now going into overdrive about it. Do I go or do I not go? It is a great opportunity, and I will be really annoyed with myself if I miss it, but can I cope with being away from home for a month? Can I cope with no support for a month? I was in a similar situation last year, in that I was offered a place on a summer MT course in the USA (although not as good, and in the long run I don't regret not going) and was really divided about what to do about it. I decided not to go, and it was the right decision, partly because I don't think the course would have been as good as I had hoped, but also because I really struggled a lot both depression and eating wise last summer - I was severely restricting my food intake, and basically spent the whole summer feeling terrible, very low mood, very suicidal etc. I don't know what would have happened if I had gone away, and felt like that there.
It also sets off my insecurities about myself as a performer. Am I good enough? Am I wasting my time/money on things like this? Should I just forget the whole thing? As I have discussed before, performing is really the only thing that has ever meant anything to me, and I already have a lot of (reasonable) concerns about my chances of becoming professional, but that is all I have wanted for as long as I can remember, and I don't know what I would do if I dismissed that as an option. My age is starting to become an issue - not really for acting, but certainly for musical theatre, which has always been my first love. Then talent wise, I am nothing special really. Acting is my strongest - I have always considered myself an actress that sings and dances, and I suppose I am a reasonably good actress, but I really don't know if I am good enough. I am definitely only a mediocre dancer - I have always considered that my weakest discipline. Singing... singing is a problem. I used to be a fairly strong singer - not outstanding, but I was ok. But for the last couple of years I have had problems with my voice, and so for the last year I really haven't sung at all, because I don't want to make it worse. The next paragraph is probably boring, so if you want to skip it then do.
I saw ENT, and was referred for speech therapy to correct a problem with my vocal cords not meeting properly. When I finally got to the top of the waiting list they said they didn't treat singers. After that was when I switched GP, and so I was re-referred for speech therapy last year, to somewhere that will treat singers. Still hadn't heard anything 9 months after the referral went off, so asked my GP to chase it. Have since had a letter from them saying that as it is over a year since I saw ENT I have to go back to them before they will see me. So I now have an ENT appointment for the end of May. Goodness knows when I will actually get to see someone who can help me. So this is something of a problem, both long term career wise, but also short term. Am I stupid even considering doing an intensive musical theatre summer course when I have a problem with my voice?! Probably. But when I applied I was hoping I would have seen the speech therapist and I would be on the way to having my voice back at full health. Doesn't look like that is going to happen now.
So do I go for the course or not? I just don't know. I have been very enthusiastic about it to my parents etc, said I will definitely be doing it, no qualms etc etc. It does look amazing, and I have heard nothing but very positive comments from people who have done it in the past. But can I cope emotionally with it, and will my voice be up to it? I don't know. I don't want this to be yet another thing that I have intended to do and not gone through with. There are so bloody many of them. So many jobs and courses that I have intended to do and then turned down. Or things I have started and then failed almost immediately.
And what about longer term future? Ignoring talent and the small matter of getting accepted for a moment, am I ever going to be well enough to move away and go to drama school? To do 50+ hours training a week? And if so when? When will I be well enough? When it is too late and I am too old? And realistically, will I ever be good enough? Am I talented enough? I really don't know. But I do know it is the only thing that has ever meant anything to me, and made me happy. And it sounds ridiculous, but if that is not going to happen then that is another big thing in favour of not being here. I don't know. I just feel like there are so many negatives to living, and so few positives. In fact, there are no positives for me - there is just me living for other people. And I am so fucking sick of that. I just don't see the point. And even if someone said that in 5 years time I would be living in London on my own, with an acting job, maybe in a relationship, I don't know if that would be enough to make me want to live. It still wouldn't be enough to make living like this at the moment worthwhile. And if everything I have ever wanted isn't enough to make me want to be alive then what on earth am I doing?
Dear Mama, on uncertainty
1 week ago