Tuesday, 20 April 2010
I am so exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. This probably won't be very long. I saw L this morning, and I spoke to her on the phone yesterday. Today was hard. I can't think. My brain is broken. It is full of fuzz and I can't think properly. The appointment is a bit hazy. I do remember odd bits, but a lot of it I don't. I think I spent most of the time just staring at my shoes. Even forming words feels like an enormous effort. And my head feels too heavy. I remember saying at one point that I thought it was going to fall off because it was too heavy, and L asked me if I was ok to carry on. I have an appointment with Dr E tomorrow, the rearranged one from when she was off sick last time. L is going to be there too. I am supposed to think about anti depressants tonight. About whether I want to go back on them, and if so have any helped more than others. L said I seem really quite depressed and that interferes with your cognitive functioning and makes therapy almost impossible, and that going back on medication might help lift my mood enough to let me think again. I am still planning to try and kill myself so it doesn't really make a lot of difference to me whether Dr E gives me anti depressants or not. She said I looked like I needed to go home and sleep. I said my mum would be angry with my if I did that, but I think I am going to anyway. She will be out at work for the next few hours and what she knows won't hurt her. I don't know what to do with myself when I am awake.