Tuesday, 20 April 2010

Dead inside

I am so exhausted. I can barely keep my eyes open. This probably won't be very long. I saw L this morning, and I spoke to her on the phone yesterday. Today was hard. I can't think. My brain is broken. It is full of fuzz and I can't think properly. The appointment is a bit hazy. I do remember odd bits, but a lot of it I don't. I think I spent most of the time just staring at my shoes. Even forming words feels like an enormous effort. And my head feels too heavy. I remember saying at one point that I thought it was going to fall off because it was too heavy, and L asked me if I was ok to carry on. I have an appointment with Dr E tomorrow, the rearranged one from when she was off sick last time. L is going to be there too. I am supposed to think about anti depressants tonight. About whether I want to go back on them, and if so have any helped more than others. L said I seem really quite depressed and that interferes with your cognitive functioning and makes therapy almost impossible, and that going back on medication might help lift my mood enough to let me think again. I am still planning to try and kill myself so it doesn't really make a lot of difference to me whether Dr E gives me anti depressants or not. She said I looked like I needed to go home and sleep. I said my mum would be angry with my if I did that, but I think I am going to anyway. She will be out at work for the next few hours and what she knows won't hurt her. I don't know what to do with myself when I am awake.


  1. Given how depressed you have been, going on anti depressants again may be a good idea? What L said about lifting your mood enough so that you can participate in therapy makes sense. I know you're at that point that you're so down you honestly don't care what happens anymore, but if antidepressants can help, may be worth considering.

    If some sleep is what you need, you should sleep even if your mum does get angry. You sound exhausted and when you're that tired out, a rest is needed, even if your mum thinks you should do something more.

    Please try and keep holding on, I really do wish for things to get better for you.

    Take care,

    Cassie x

  2. Thanks Cassie. I don't know what Dr E will think, and neither does L. Dr E was quite determined to get me off anti depressants as I had been on them pretty much non stop for about 6 years, and been on 6 different meds and none seemed to have helped, but L thinks they may have been helping a little tiny bit as she thinks I have been more depressed in a clinical sense since I have been off them. She said that she has no idea what Dr E will think though. xxx

  3. hi, from experience it seems psychs are reluctant to use ADs with BPD. But if they even did a tiny bit of good, worth another go? Ive been on a combi of ADs for over 10 years and dont feel they do any good, but who knows.
    Hope the appt goes well x

  4. I was going to say, "don't take any crap from Dr E," then realised how stupid that was to say to someone so depressed; I know even when I am in relatively stable form, I still act deferentially to psychiatrists. The idea of course is just because the NICE guidelines say x doesn't mean she has to adhere to that rigidly; you have choice in your treatment too. L obviously thinks ADs are worth a shot. Can you try to persuade yourself to give them one shot before enacting a suicidal act?

    Sorry, I'm probably not helping at all. But I'm thinking of you and wish I could ease your pain :( Please take care as best you can hun *big hugs* xxx

  5. Maybe a new AD will help just a little. Try and be nice to yourself i know thats hard when you feel so crap. Depression is a big dark cloud that consumes you. If sleep is what you need then sleep is what you should get hopefully your mum will see that. Lots of hugs sent your way. Take care Hun xx

  6. {{{hugs}}} - I don't really have anything helpful or constructive to say - just wanted you to know that I'm reading and I care (not that it counts for much). I really hope you can think about whether you want to try ADs again (I know how difficult it can be to even contemplate such things when you're so depressed).

    There's some newer ADs out as well, so if the old ones really didn't help, it might be an idea to try something completely different.

    Take care, and I hope things improve for you soon.

  7. Thank you all so much for the replies. I don't really know what to think about anti depressants. I don't have a problem with taking them, but none of the ones I have taken before have ever seemed to have an impact on me, which is why I am now not on any, along with Dr E's view that medication won't help PDs. In fact one of the reasons I was given a PD diagnosis (not by Dr E initially) was because I hadn't responded to any anti depressants and therefore I couldn't possibly be depressed - it must be my personality. Anyway. I am not against anti depressants. I would take them. But I have no intention of not acting on my suicidal thoughts in the vague hope that some pills might make me feel a tiny weeny bit better in 2 months time. I feel too bad for that. I suppose if suicide wasn't an option then I would want to try some more meds in case they made a difference, but it is an option, and it is an option I want to take. So it doesn't really make any difference to me whether Dr E prescribes me pills or not, as I don't intend to be here.

    Thank you so much for all the comments. I really do appreciate it a lot. It means a lot that people care enough to read my drivel and reply to it. xxx

  8. I often feel the same way -- like, what am I supposed to do with myself while awake? Sometimes I feel so numb, like a zombie just staring at the computer screen.

  9. Hey, i am on escitalopram 20mg, they started it at 5mg and worked up if i had a kinda bad episode. You may want to give it a try again. I know when i come off my anti d's now everything become so hard to deal with and i become over emotional and cry over everything. good luck x

  10. I also had a difficult time starting Lexapro (escitalopram), to the point where I actually had to start on 2.5mg! I'm now on 10mg and after a few short months I've noticed a big improvement in my mood and especially anxiety! Good luck and keep writing! :)